Hello! It has happened to me several times to resort to this site with some other momentary-existential problem, but looking back now, with indescribable nostalgia, I realize how casually carefree everything was. I'm not sure what's wrong with me, I don't want to be diagnosed and paranoid, but I'm definitely not the best. Is it melancholy, is it depression, is it something on the border, and I don't know. The fact is that I am growing up, as it follows, this drags all sorts of changes, questions, doubts, disappointments, walls and restrictions, and so on. after myself, with which I am no exception, not in the least. Yes, but there is something that has been starting to paralyze me lately. I've always had an idea more sideways, a little more objective, more open to the good, more "naive", as I kept being told, in short, a little different from the filmed mass around me. They have also been, and still are, so it can be said that these features have their roots. Anyway, because of this non-standard, I could never fit in, this, as I already realize, has slowly turned into an inferiority complex. The peak moment of my disorientation came after the brutal disappointment of my first (and last so far) great love, which was not shared. I experienced it somehow, or at least I want to believe that I am. Now we are good friends, he has a girlfriend, a very smart and quality girl, we are also close to her .. At first glance everything is fine, but my life seems to be stuck, time sits on nails from fixed bright moments and knits one porridge .. I'm 18, I'm neither small nor big, nothing is enough, but nothing is not enough. . abe, a big paradox. I don't know exactly which part is wrong with my way of thinking, but lately I see more and more that my psyche is very shaken. I haven't been able to recover for a year now, it's getting worse. I just can't find peace anywhere, in anyone, least of all in myself. I constantly feel criticized for who I am, and the worst part is that I can't determine why. It's not like I can catch when and what I'm blaming myself for, it has already become a constant state of self-perception, inferiority. I can never and will never do anything like people, I know it, I have to know it and that's it. From then on, if I started trying to change this image of myself, realizing how stupid this masochism is on my part, it only gets worse. Every pathetic attempt at positive thought ends up shattered into pieces by a tsunami of negative arguments, which in most cases, while an obvious illusion, prevail over impressiveness. In fact, I have the wonderful gift of self-suggesting overexposed negative statements about myself and voluntarily allowing them to become a part of me. The thing is, I'm tired. This is all just an endless cycle that has painfully squeezed all the colored juices of my mind ... I no longer have the strength to even give up. I exist aimlessly, I hang on to some dead memories, I erase bigger and bigger parts of my past and I don't even wait for something different to happen ... I don't know what I'm doing. I am becoming more and more cynical and more and more apathetic to things that only 1-2 years ago were my whole world. I loved my world, if nothing else, at least it was colorful. You say, growing up, this is ... Yes, maybe so, but I don't want this to grow up to mean that I have to completely renounce all my individuality, which I have built so casually with love and devotion throughout my childhood. It's kind of unfair. Maybe I need a friend? It's not like they didn't tell me. This is the other part of the problem, I have lost so much confidence in myself that I feel a quiet horror from another person next to me. I've been used to living in the dust of fear and unworthiness for so long that the thought of burdening someone with my sense of futility and apparent cynicism makes me insanely skeptical. I'm afraid of a relationship, that's why I repel anyone who tries to get close to me. I have been chained and entangled in myself for almost 2 years now and the most striking thing is that I realize it, I see it and I am unbearably powerless to fight it .. I'm not convinced what exactly I want as a comment or opinion ... Let everyone feel free to write or express whatever they need, as long as they have something to say! :) And of course, thanks! :)
Answers 2
Hello! From what you wrote and in what way, you can see that you are a smart girl, objective. This, in my opinion, is always accompanied by depression. And I don't know if they are exactly depressions, just special conditions in which you want to understand more deeply. And, believe me, no one knows better than you what you want from life and how to achieve it. And I don't know what advice I can give you, because it's all up to you. Just give yourself time, don't think it's because you don't have a friend. With or without you are you and you will think the same things. If for 2 years you feel that you are not living your life properly, then you are still not tired and to some extent it gives you pleasure to think about these things without doing anything. In short, his time has not come. But when it comes, you will feel it. You'll just get fed up. And none of this will be in vain now, because you will see that you will be much more aware. This happiness is different. At least for me it was like that :)
Hello. It is possible that this is due to hormones, ie declines or increases, and is really characterized as depression or just great confusion. I don't know if everyone goes through this, but I certainly went through this ... with this melancholy, apathy and depression I became friends with panic attacks, hypochondria, and from there on the verge of panic disorder. For me, the factors were of all kinds, I had allowed myself to be stupid and made mistakes, strong fear, shock and obviously plus the very fact that I was in puberty came as a hormonal bomb in my body. I'm not saying that completely, but I largely understand you. I mean, there's a way forward, a cure too. Why not seek the support of a good friend, if you and your family are close, turn to them? Of great importance is mental fatigue. You say you're 18, so you will be a student soon. Is it possible that this condition is due to fatigue and you need rest? But a really great holiday in which to feel your peace of mind. I see that you do not have much self-confidence, you need to work on it, there are so many tips and ideas on the Internet - honors for the power of thought, if you know English, look at the videos of Dr. Joe Dispenza, write even on the Internet reasons to be happy, I personally am very charged. For me, your problem is psychological, I'm not saying you're crazy to find a friend, he will give you something, but he will also take it from you. If you bleed on him with your mental wounds, you will only waste his time, and if you feel like a rag, you will not be able to give him what he deserves. Work on yourself best and then get in touch, at least that's how I see things. In fact, it all comes down to your inner voice, what does your intuition say? Follow your heart, girl, whatever advice we give, everything is inside you and no matter how difficult it may seem, believe me, you will be fine and you will be happy! :)