Hello! I am 25 years old and have been married for 6 months. My husband and I met 5 years ago and we have been living together in our apartment for 4 years. We are very well financially, we love each other like on the first day when we met, we both want a family and we are trying for a baby. For a long time I thought that my mother-in-law and I had a good relationship (going out, going on vacations, etc.) but I heard a conversation between her and her friend on the phone in which a month before the wedding I found out that,, was against our relationship and that her son deserved more, not like me. " A note - I come from a normal family, I have a sister, I have a good education, unfortunately I do not have a mother, but my father did everything possible to study and provide for us. Well, the mother-in-law managed to take away the pleasure of the wedding, the pleasure of everything that was supposed to be the best day in the life of me and my husband. At this wedding, her favorite songs were not played, it was not her song with her husband and ... ridicule! After the wedding, problems started with my husband. I sat down and talked to him on this topic about his mother and her emotions, and he told me that years ago he had told her not to interfere in our lives and to look after her work, but that handle could not be stopped. She's trying to get her long tentacles out anyway. He treats him like he's 5! For example, if he wants to say something, she secretly points out that it was for his good to listen because he was younger and she had more experience. I won't have much time for her to hack him and treat him like he's stupid. Unfortunately, I have the feeling that he does not care what his mother does and how much her constant intrusion on us reflects on our marriage. She even tells me what to do to have a healthier marriage and she is almost the measure of that! All this hypocrisy has developed over the years behind me and I don't know what to do. On the other hand, we want to have a child and I am afraid that my husband will not take a side if one day I pull one! Lately I've been saying that she's started going to fortune tellers ... how far has this woman gotten! It is also my fault that I was looking for a mother figure in it, ignoring all the signs around me!
Answers 8
It will be difficult for you to survive in this poisonous company. But the advice I can give you and it works is not to explain to your husband how bad she is, but to pay attention to how she treats him. That she behaves like a baby, that she doesn't let him be a man, that he oppresses him, etc. Your husband will see for himself that his mother commands him and confuses his life. But there is a danger that your husband will get tired of being between a rock and a hard place and it is not known what will happen. I do not envy you
My grandmother is a very powerful woman, she always wants to be heard and there is no other right opinion about her than hers. But she never lived with us and never had control over our family. My father's logic was that she could talk to him, he could listen to her, but that didn't mean he would follow her advice. For many years, my mother was angry at all her attempts to change the order in our house. It was not an accidental visit, it was not a story in front of people, it was not a search in our home and a rearrangement of personal belongings. My mother never stood up to my grandmother because she was my father's mother, she fed him, changed his diapers and looked after him for 18 years. The peace of mind was complete when, after another performance, my mother frowned and my father said that if he had to choose, he would choose the family he had built, he talked to my grandmother, she got angry with him for about a year and everything went back to normal. At this stage, she is still trying to impose herself, but without success. For some reason I happened to have the same life problem. My husband's mother is domineering, at first she pretended to be worried, she talked to me, she looked for me, she called me in the evenings, until one day I heard a conversation in which she said that her son deserved something else. I rule out the fact that I was affected for several months, her words hurt me, she had decided that this was drooling on my part and everything was fine. So I sat at the same table with her, of course, she is my partner's parent and I can't scrape her 100%. My friend has argued with her on the subject, he is an independent, intuitive, strong and stable person. We have no children with him, but one day we will have life and health, he told me, that he wants us to start our family and that he will stand behind me in every situation. In fact, I'm the one who constantly reminds him to call his mother to hear her. I stopped getting angry, I stopped making unnecessary movies, I started wanting to stay with his parents for a coffee for a while, so that they would be happy. Your husband has chosen you, he is not as strongly influenced by his mother as you think. If you are calm that he will stand behind you and your children, that if one day it becomes a big problem and you want to stay away from this woman, he will support you not to attend meetings - do not think about it at all. She is his mother, he is old, he needs some thrill in life, it is natural to think that because of his experience he knows the best for you. You don't have to follow every piece of advice, just don't be rude and don't get angry. You don't have to like her, you don't have to be friends, you don't have a blood relationship, but your husband and your children will have one. Do not separate them from the grandmother, let them spend time with her, you will not lose, there is love and understanding between you and your husband, you have built something strong and you do not describe him as a mother's son, in this case, everything is fine. She can't hurt you, not if your husband agrees that she has no right to interfere too much.
Stop trying to have a child IMMEDIATELY! Take care of the mother-in-law first, so that you don't end up tied to your mother's son. The fact that he sluggishly tried to resist does not mean anything. An ultimatum is needed - either to stop your mother from interfering or you cut her off and she will never see her future grandchildren. There can be no compromises with such people. Every minute of patience strengthens their behavior. If your husband does not stay in place permanently - you have no choice but to divorce, because the situation will get worse from now on.
Because you're not looking for any advice ... well, yes, I can only confirm that this is another story ...
Limit contacts to distant lunches, for example. What a job it is to go on vacation together. And what do you explain and analyze every word of hers. Cut it, because you will have a lot of problems. Does the interrupter start talking and you don't let her think anymore. Go out with your husband, get married and distance her. You will ruin your marriage, then your child.
In such cases, business relationships are best. If you can afford to conquer your personal space without any quarrels on her part - it will be ok for both parties.
Why do I see interference on your part in the mother-son relationship rather than interference on her part in your marriage. She told me something, he doesn't care, he's used to her words passing by his ears, why do you care? She gave you advice, no one forces you to follow them, why do you let her words work for you, you are not dependent on her for home or money. If your family ever breaks down, it's not her fault, it's your fault because you pay too much attention to her words. Knit your basket and learn not to pay attention, realize that you have nothing to share, she is not your rival but a woman who wants to take care of your husband. It hurts her from the "empty nest" syndrome and she initially considers you a rival who took away her tamagotchi, her occupation, which is normal for caring mothers, in time she will get used to it if you do not turn against her. Do you think that he can defeat you through fortune tellers? She is of the opinion that she cannot defeat you on her own, so she seeks help from fortune tellers, but what is important is your opinion?
Complete ignore and distance, there is no other way. Instill in your husband that you are a family and there is no room for others. Otherwise, the ambitions of such screaming moms lead to divorce. She doesn't like you, you know, as if she chooses you. Isn't she the Queen of England? !! Full hook.