It is very difficult for me to share it, albeit anonymously. I am infinitely disappointed with my son, who is already big, but lives without a purpose, just drifts. He only does what is easy. If it is difficult, it is not for him. He does not fight. He goes to work, but does so reluctantly. My husband and I are hardworking people, normally ambitious, ie this life we lead is not ours. I can't put up with it to the point that I don't feel like living. I go to work as a robot, I can barely fulfill my duties as a daughter, mother and grandmother, nothing brings me joy, I am almost constantly depressed and the reason is him and only him. As a person I am curious, reading, active, but his hopeless life has thrown me off balance and I have no peace of mind, I have lost sleep and hope for better.
Answers 9
I'm not "in your position", but I'm in his, and although you don't seek advice from people like me, I'll allow myself to write a line, and if you want, don't take it into account. Still, I think his point of view would be useful to you. First, stop living his life and live your own. You already have no control over his and you want to. Even so, you make things worse, because he pulls away from you, because you constantly strain him and you don't leave him alone, you put him under pressure, even if he doesn't show it. Secondly, he has reasons to be like that. And by the way, the reasons are you and his father, no matter how much you don't believe it. Naturally, he is to blame. BUT he must realize that this life does not satisfy him and he must want to change himself. You don't help him like that. You even bother him. In my opinion, he just hasn't found the thing to inspire him, to give him meaning. This is a spiritual quest, if you will, which is unlikely to end soon, it may not end for the rest of his life, and your actions and worries will not change that in any way. So just resign yourself and stop dealing with him. Not every meaning in his life is just to go from 8 to 5 and have children. Have you ever thought that this is not what he wants. And what right do you want him to be like you? You say yourself that you are like a robot and such a life does not satisfy you. And why do you think it should satisfy him. At least he has realized that he does not satisfy him and does not struggle at all, unlike you, who are struggling, although he does not make you happy. At least he is freer than you, no matter how hopeless. You've struggled over the years to make it your own copy, instead of stimulating him to look for himself. And now, thanks to you, he is neither like you nor himself. And now there is no one - a tree without a root. Encourage him to seek and find himself, not to be like you. Understand that we are 7 billion in the world and no two are alike. Just because you've had a life like that doesn't mean it has to be the same. Get a little under his skin. Thus, with the horns forward you will not get anywhere, except that you will disturb him even more with the communication, and he with the search for yourself. Get a little under his skin. Thus, with the horns forward you will not get anywhere, except that you will disturb him even more with the communication, and he with the search for yourself. Get a little under his skin. Thus, with the horns forward you will not get anywhere, except that you will disturb him even more with the communication, and he with the search for yourself.
Author, take matters into your own hands. What is this fixation on your son? Don't you have a life of your own and goals to focus on? Don't you have a husband? Interests, common plans - you are an independent person - you cannot live through your son. There is disappointment only when there are certain expectations. It is extremely selfish to burden your son with the task of giving meaning to your life. That you are looking for guilt in him, that because of his behavior, you have developed depression. Understand that no one has to live up to your expectations. He is a great man, your commitment to him is over, let him go his own way and learn from his own mistakes. You cannot choose for him, just as you cannot live for him. Parental over-expectations of the child usually give rise to this - weakness and apathy in the child and a desire to do wrong. And fear of risk and action - so as not to make mistakes, so as not to disappoint. Leave him alone, for God's sake, and stop burdening him with your expectations for HIS life. Do you think that you have lived your life perfectly so far, that from this position you want to determine the direction of his? It is better to focus on yourself - it is sad for a woman to have no other goals and interests and activities, except for the grown-up child, to motivate and charge her. It is sad to stop a person from developing. You are an independent person and you are valuable in yourself - don't forget it. Let the grown child breathe and try to rediscover the charm in your own life. that from this position you want to determine the direction of his? It is better to focus on yourself - it is sad for a woman to have no other goals and interests and activities, except for the grown-up child, to motivate and charge her. It is sad to stop a person from developing. You are an independent person and you are valuable in yourself - don't forget it. Let the grown child breathe and try to rediscover the charm in your own life. that from this position you want to determine the direction of his? It is better to focus on yourself - it is sad for a woman to have no other goals and interests and activities, except for the grown-up child, to motivate and charge her. It is sad to stop a person from developing. You are an independent person and you are valuable in yourself - don't forget it. Let the grown child breathe and try to rediscover the charm in your own life.
The real problem is not / in your son, but your ideas and desires for him, that is, YOU yourself. Have you ever thought that there might be a problem you don't want to share? And is that really the reason for his behavior? In fact, there is no right or wrong thing, we all give characteristics to our experiences and name them. I advise you to look for a psychologist who can help you with the desire for control and suffocating motherly love.
Stop beer, soda, milk and dairy products in your home. Until you try, you will not know if there will be a result.
It's like losing your sleep because of it. Calm down, life will come to his mind, just like mine. So was I.
And I am annoyed that my son is not ambitious and studious. he has no idea what to do with his life. But what can I do - how could I not tell him how could I not convince him to move, to learn something. And he won't even take a driving course. If it doesn't come from inside him ... It's good that at least some work has started. When I watch the other children learn how they go to other countries, how they realize themselves ... My heart breaks that mine is like that. Just eating excites him and travel-leisure type. Good thing my daughter isn't like that at all. I raised them the same, but they are so different. You have some expectations, some dreams for them, and none of that happens .... I no longer have any expectations for him .... any. I'm tired of pushing him for this or that, not that it has any effect on this either. I direct it without having to have a personal choice, but there is none. He has no idea about his life at all ... If he leaves it, he doesn't move for anything. Now I let him do what he wants. It's good that he's already moved out of the house, that I don't watch him every day and get angry. I can't give you advice. They have to mature for some things on their own and go through their experience. And in the end, their life is theirs - to do whatever they want with it.
From the author - Thank you for your attention to my problem and time. Especially from №№1, 2, 3. You express similar thoughts on the problem, I feel you are right. I must definitely distance myself in my thoughts from his life. I know for myself that a person does only what he has decided for himself. And I hope it's for his own good, and I hope he came to his senses as at №5, which also helped me to look at things more optimistically. As for the psychologist, I don't think he will tell me anything different.
And is it NECESSARY to deal with your grown son !? You have your life, he has his!
Comments №1 and №2, especially on №1, are terribly accurate. Read them again and make sense of them, if you can. For me, too, the reason for being the way he is is in you as parents - most likely super care in all directions. But the most important thing to understand is that your son was created through you, but he is a completely separate person.