Hello, readers. I am an 18-year-old girl and I have a problem: I feel constant shame and insurmountable fear of people. Probably the reasons are in the environment in which I was raised - I was not a desired child, my mother abandoned me, which my father had a hard time. He always insulted me, which left a huge tram in me - I'm not just talking about epithets like "stupid", "reckless", but with far uglier words - p * cha, p * t * a, rag, etc. 18 years later I have no self-confidence - I can't talk to people, I don't look them in the eyes, I cry very often. I live with either my father or his parents - my grandfather has a mental problem, my grandmother is a very conservative woman and has attacked me. The result: I can't do anything. Really nothing. Even if I get excited about something and want to put effort into it, I hear the voice in my head repeating to me, that nothing will happen to me, I will become a laughing stock, I will not succeed, I will fail, everyone will make fun of me. At certain moments I also go crazy ... when I do something wrong, I start calling myself dumb, simple, a piece and hitting, biting, shaking my head ... People have seen me in such a state and asked me if I was crazy. .. I don't know anymore. I'm afraid to go talk to a specialist because I think I won't understand me and will consider the problem insignificant. I don't know how to tell a psychologist / psychiatrist / psychotherapist. And other things: I am torturing myself. I'm not just talking about causing physical pain. I close my eyes and imagine how they make fun of me, how I die in tragic circumstances ... scenarios in which I continue to be the victim. I'm afraid of people. I tremble when the phone rings because I'm afraid my father will shout at me. If someone reaches out to me, I'm terrified they want to hit me. My mind is restless, I am on thorns every day that I will say something wrong and offend someone - that's why I don't talk much and people think of me as a person without an opinion. Besides, I can't eat in front of people - I'm worried about chewing too much and slapping, which irritates them. I can't change in front of my classmates because I don't like my body. I can't even talk to them because I'm afraid of ridicule. I'm about to leave this environment if they accept me to study in another city. But I don't know if anything will be different. For 18 years I have lived in fear that I would make a mistake ... when I am at home, I am afraid that my father will shout or attack me. I'm just standing in the room and I can't find a place, I'm worried about breaking something, I'm not confusing something and I want to forget, that he was her next room. Even if I'm not with him, I feel his presence and I get chills. Granny keeps saying she's disappointed in me and I don't bring her happiness. The point is, I remind my mother, who won their contempt ... and I pay for her mistakes ... I don't know what to do. I think I'm going completely crazy, I'm talking to myself, I'm constantly imagining some things and I'm shaking ...
Answers 4
Hello lovely girl! I fully understand you because I myself had the same problems, I understand your pain. Every word I say will be light and weak, but time will take you elsewhere. Don't worry, everything will be fine! When you go to a new place, you will meet new people. Believe me, there are wonderful people who will die to meet such a good creature. You will create friendships, beautiful moments and many occasions for smiles. Everything will be fine, you just have to get rid of these people. I myself struggled with this shame for years, but I succeeded! Everything has its power, its contribution. You will find yourself in a new and unknown place, there will be both bad and good people. For me personally, the most difficult and difficult battle is when you face yourself. Then it's scary! You have to be realistic - to give a real assessment of yourself and the life you lead. To acknowledge your problems and find their solution, because every problem has a solution. Try to repel negative thoughts, not let fear control you. Learn to keep your composure! Do not panic and stress. Be firmer and more ambitious and don't stop following your dreams. Isolate yourself from this environment and start working on yourself. For a start, try to think about positive things, to dream, to imagine life as you want it to be. When something happens and you get into a nervous breakdown - try to calm down! Breathe deeply, very deeply! Shut up and just try to keep this state of peace. Start meditating, diversifying with new things. I'm sorry because I went through the same ordeal myself and I know how you feel. You are not alone! You are a unique person, which carries a lot in itself, you just have to overcome this shame and fear. I know there is a lot in you. It's obvious ... I'd love to meet you. I'm also 18 and I'll be damn happy if I help you in any way.
Hi, I read the story is really quite sad, but I do not think that I or anyone else on the forum can help you. I think you should leave your environment as soon as possible and visit a psychologist who will help you.
A person with a profile like the one you describe, especially at this age - will not be aware of himself, and be so candid, even though the site is anonymous. You describe one type, but I see another. The way you write shows a conscious person who knows himself well and has accepted himself as he is. I don't believe you if it matters ... I think you're a psychopath and a sociopath who knows how to manipulate, I just don't understand - what does this 'sharing' give you here? Do you feed the victim in you, taking the pity of anonymous people? Stop manipulating.
It is similar to Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) (personality disorder is different from obsessive-compulsive disorder, which is a specific manifestation of the traits inherent in that person). Another name for this personality disorder (according to Reich) is rigid perfectionist (rigid means inflexible, hard, stiff and is associated with the fact that these people live by highly internalized rules, expect others to live by rules, have high demands on themselves and to others, etc.). It is generally formed between 3 and 7-8 years of age and occurs when the child is not accepted as he is. As this acceptance is most often manifested as criticism from parents (or other authority) to the child for things that deliver pleasure, or a clear rejection of his achievements, or a direct insult to you. The child sees that they do not accept him as he is and begins to build an idealized "perfect" image of what it should be so that mom and / or dad can like it. Like you, I was constantly worried that my parents would shout at me for something, even though I was already 17-18. At the age of 19 I got rid of ours and I recommend you to do everything possible to get lost in another city or at least to stay. However, do not blame your parents because they did not do it on purpose. No parent thinks, "I'm going to yell at my 3-year-old now to make him a rigid perfectionist with obsessions when he's 20." so mom and / or dad like it. Like you, I was constantly worried that my parents would shout at me for something, even though I was already 17-18. At the age of 19 I got rid of ours and I recommend you to do everything possible to get lost in another city or at least to stay. However, do not blame your parents because they did not do it on purpose. No parent thinks, "I'm going to yell at my 3-year-old now to make him a rigid perfectionist with obsessions when he's 20." so mom and / or dad like it. Like you, I was constantly worried that my parents would shout at me for something, even though I was already 17-18. At the age of 19 I got rid of ours and I recommend you to do everything possible to get lost in another city or at least to stay. However, do not blame your parents because they did not do it on purpose. No parent thinks, "I'm going to yell at my 3-year-old now to make him a rigid perfectionist with obsessions when he's 20."