Hello, here is my story (I haven't written here so far): (First with the good things) I've been going with a boy for almost 3 months, I'm 20 and he's 21 and yes, I know, at this age it's not a lot of time. Everything is going great, of course, the sex is great (I've never been better, it's my 5th in number). He explained to me how much more I am than the other girls, how much prettier, smarter, understanding, etc. He definitely likes me, likes to show me, introduce me to relatives and friends, surprises me, behaves wonderfully. There are plans for months ahead, for next summer. The only problem is his ex, with whom he went for 2 years (at the end of high school). She is his first love, he was the happiest with her and almost compliment number 1 to me: "I have not been so happy with anyone other than you ... after X". Only he had told her that he loved her and only with her they had the address "kitten" instead of the name. It was a furor that he started calling me "sun". He even insisted that for the first time since, he had spoken to someone like that. When they broke up (almost 2 years ago) he watched his life, but last winter he became depressed because he lost the supposedly perfect girl through his fault. He felt like he would never be happy again. He told her how he would wait for her, how he would not catch another friend, marry her one day and the like. Then it seemed to pass, he was involved in various activities and then I appeared.
The dumbest thing is that the girl herself is not who knows what, I'm prettier, I can't say about character and intellect, but she walks in a slightly cuckoo's way, so if I was mean, I could say she got caught some things ... We're basically in the company of his friends and I know they're not thrilled with her. (Don't say it's just my opinion.) I just feel at times like I'm competing with a girl I'm better at and can't accept. For my ex (1 year relationship) I was the first and the best, for the others I was also on a pedestal before, and now I am in a position to be after the "first". It's like there is emotional baggage. I feel like I can't love another after her no matter how good the relationship is, and I (everyone) deserves and can be loved. Otherwise, I'm very happy with him, I don't want to break up, I want this relationship to continue, to develop into love, but if I'm right ... it can't happen. He still has to get over it someday, but I'm not sure if that will be the case with me. And if I'm just a substitute with a good characteristic and that's why he's with me, should he show me? I am asking for advice from people who have been in his position, to compare how he is likely to feel now and in the future. Thanks in advance :)
Answers 11
Unfortunately, no one knows what to do but leave time to speak. with a magic wand you cannot dim the influence of the other. you've just been together too recently for his memories to fade. rejoice that your relationship is developing well, that you understand that he introduces you to friends and relatives, it shows that he cares about you. as long as you hold on to him, you are happy and you want to be together, give him time, there is no other way for a relationship to strengthen and turn into love. and by the way, when he mentions the former again, you can hint that you don't like the constant comparison with her. just talk calmly without making dramas out of it. maybe he doesn't realize how you feel and is honest enough to say in plain text what he thinks. F43
Well, I also had an ex, but it annoyed me and I couldn't last it, and we broke up right away. Well, I don't know, rejoice in him, he can make you angry on purpose, you know. So if you want to tell him how you feel, but don't touch him because I broke up with one for that reason. Anyway, rejoice, let go of your magic as you call it to remember you, someone releases poison by affecting them in sick places, don't cause it, I use it as I want to break up with someone almost immediately and I always find topics of contention like I try to escape from the next one. The good thing is that you have experience - use the experience not to affect him but on the contrary to keep him - show him how nice it is to have a girlfriend, because at least I almost always look at me to be nice even if the boy is in constant hell . So be the gentle soul you need. The numbers sometimes don't matter - unless you are looking for the cause of the disease in the context of the joke, otherwise they are different people and there is no way the mistakes of one can be the mistakes of another, unless you cause them yourself. So I wish you a happy relationship and I'm glad you're committed anyway. And he had a big job, you had 5 and they loved you. It's like feeling like the next girl on one of those 5 you broke up with. I'm going to tell you. with whom you broke up. I'm going to tell you. with whom you broke up. I'm going to tell you.
Who knows a lot - dies quickly! mafia wisdom
Well, since there are mobsters, I thought they were only in the movies. You know, only zombies like girls because of their brains, if you're prettier, then she'll be with you, not her. or worse, he'll find someone even younger, even a minor. that it is more beautiful and so on.
The past should not talk about it but look ahead, a person who is not done with the past should not start a new relationship. Try telling him about someone you had something to see how he would react. In my opinion, past relationships should not be talked about. What makes it so special. To stop talking to you and go to her, safe from such ...
Well, you may think you're better, but you can't know what's in his head. These assessments are so subjective that even if you are really smarter, kinder and prettier according to some people, he still thinks that she is the best ... This is love, there are no such cold bills - there is a blind attachment and adoration.
My opinion is that it is an unforgivable insult to tell your girlfriend that you like her in some way compared to the PREVIOUS one. As if it is some thing that must be classified, described and evaluated quickly in order to put it in the closet with the memories and after a while, opening it (figuratively speaking) to say - here it is number 1, this is number 2, and here in the corner is the bronze medalist, but number 1 and number 2 were much stronger. Hell stupid. I am a married man of 36 and I have never done it in my relationship, simply because: * every woman is unique in itself * a relationship is built by two * it is insulting and shows immaturity and complexity I wish you to find a decent boy to value and explore you as a new planet, not just to classify you.
Author: Thank you all very much for your comments! I plan to let time show, and if it doesn't work out - we continue who forwards, who backwards ...;)
I fully support number 7! I personally would accept what makes your friend humiliating. It is normal at the beginning to compare your new boyfriend / girlfriend with the previous person, but first, this should only happen in your head, and secondly, it is at a very early stage, when you have not yet shaken off the previous relationship and you do not have serious feelings for his new girlfriend. I do not understand how a person claims that he loves you and is happy with you, and at the same time constantly mentions his ex-girlfriend. I think that if it irritates you and hurts you, you should definitely tell him that it's high time he stopped going back, even if he didn't do it to offend you. Maybe he hasn't moved on yet, maybe he doesn't realize that this "competition" he's creating between you is ridiculous and stressful, but he certainly has to stop, so as not to affect your attitude towards him too much. If I'm in your place, I tell him, quite culturally, without raising my voice and nagging that he is with me at the moment and there is no need to make any comparisons, because that puts me in an awkward situation. The other option is to wait and see if in time he will stop inserting her into the conversation and make similar analogies, but waiting is not known where it will take you.
I can't disagree with number 7. He is already with you, and opens the topic of his ex / first love. This annoyed me a lot. In general, in my opinion, all sorts of things related to former relationships should not be mentioned or at least not talked about so much.
I agree with number 7. I ended my relationship with a similar man a few days ago, he was always trying to force his ex-girlfriend. Not to mention that he had invited her to his third meeting with his company, but later I realized that he wanted to make her jealous. He kept all the pictures with her in the back with the love explanations below them, downright disgusting. After he tried to make me go out with her and his company, I couldn't stand it and caused a scandal for the photos, I got out of my skin. Yes, he removed them, but only partially, and then he lied to me that he had forgotten to remove them, leaving only those to whom the company belonged, and to whom he had lied — the pictures in which she had marked him and in which they had embraced and kissed. And she introduced me to her friends and relatives, and I'm prettier than her, smarter, but I don't think that matters, because he does not see it. The other idiotic thing he said was that he felt sorry for her because she almost couldn't go out with the company because of me, and they became his friends as well as hers, that is, I was a monster to him because I interfered with him. his presence to see her. There were also much more humiliating moments and statements in intimate terms, such as pushing with you and after a few minutes to tell you how he still had feelings for his ex, and he went out with me because you used to think that you should move on. Our relationship lasted only a few months and thank God! I can't imagine having a person next to me who treats me this way! Whatever I did was not right for him. Otherwise, in the beginning he showed me great love, he texted me in the middle of the night, poems, but he never called me his girlfriend, he never really told me that he had any feelings for me, except that he was very depressed and so on. His ex continues to write to him and I think they keep in touch, it is even possible that he saw her behind my back. His friends didn't take me well either, because for them I prevented them from having fun in the company of his ex. So, the balance I made was that I shouldn't have dated such a person at all, who didn't turn his back on his past and didn't overcome it, especially since for me he didn't turn out to be a quality person, but a user trying to to make me a substitute. Usually such connections are just a springboard to his next girlfriend. When you start a relationship, you should be honest in your relationship with the other and not hurt him. I think even if he has residual feelings for his ex, at least he would have done me the favor of saving his speeches. Sometimes it's not the actions, but the unmeasured words of someone you care about that cause you the most pain and make you wonder if it's worth being with such a person, don't you deserve something better?