Hi, I'm a 20 year old girl. My friend is also 20 and we have been together for a year or so. The problem is that we are from different cities, 3-4 hours away and it is impossible to see each other often. For me, this is the person for whom I would do anything, but alas, he is clearly not for me. He came here a week ago because we wanted to be independent and live together in the city where I study. He was very serious in words, but when he came a few hours later, he cried for theirs, that he missed them ... that's too much for me and "I didn't understand it." How do I know a person who wants to live with his parents at the age of 20? He says that he will not be able to stand in the new city, so far from his parents that he wants to see them, to help them. I like his parents very much and I don't mind going to his town often, but he doesn't want that. He wants to be with them, to see them every day. We will be together all summer, but I don't know if he will change his mind and stay and live together in my city, because I study there and he neither studies nor works. He says that his father will find him a job next to them and live with theirs, that each person was different and could not go to another city except his hometown. I don't know what to do, I can't sleep even when we are together, he is with me physically, but his mind is with his parents and his hometown. He said that if he stayed with me he would be half happy, and if he went home to his parents he would still be half happy for me. I don't know what to do ... I love it very much, but I don't think it will withstand all this again with the distance! He was the person who offered me to live together and even before he left we made plans and when the boom came everything changed. I'm literally in shock, he says, that he is very close to his parents (I am not close to mine) and I do not understand him. Give me advice on whether to break up after the summer or continue together, what words to use to convince him to just try to live together (and does it make sense at all). Thank you!
Answers 14
I don't think their people just let him go, but he's ashamed to tell you that truth.
I live in his city.
Hello. In general, I do not comment often, but here I will allow myself to do so. While reading your story, I went back 3-4 years when I was in your place. And guess what: we broke up. I couldn't stand it anymore and I was the one who ended our relationship. I will miss most of the details, but now I am with a person who really loves me and I love him. My advice to you is to leave him, or to talk like adults and tell him everything you have written here. If he really loves and cares for you, he will understand you and try to change. Good luck :)
I don't think you need a man like that. I am also 20. I am close to my parents, but I do not live in my hometown because I study and live alone. His attachment to his parents is too much and I don't think it will change. What young man does not want to be independent. And given that he has no job in his hometown and that he does not study, therefore there are no obligations there not to want to move out, I accept it as a huge red flag. My personal opinion is that if you stay with this person for a year you will realize that things will not work out and you will regret that you did not end this relationship sooner. Now is the time.
Run! With such a mother's child, nothing good awaits you.
You are very different as stages of development. He still thinks like a teenager, and you already think like a young woman. So far, he doesn't seem to be able to handle himself, and it's good that you know him in advance. I see this in the remark that his father will find him a job, not himself. So if he comes to you, you will carry him on your back. Not only financially, but also emotionally and socially. He will still be depri (half) and will not find friends or anything. You have two important pieces of information: that he still can't handle his life on his own, and that you can't stand it. That tends to lead to separation, in my opinion, and I don't even know why you should be together in the summer. What reasons do you have to be together at all? Maybe sex is great? Or do you not want to be alone? I would rather end the relationship sooner. Not out of malice or anything, but because it is very tiring to carry someone on your back. My husband, when I met him, did not live with his parents, but he always heard from them every day. Everyone. Without exception. At 25 years old. He needed that. When we went on vacation, he took me to them. Great for him - he has everything he wants, but for me to spend my vacation with strangers, in someone else's house ... Then I started to organize the holidays. And they are cool people and I like them, but I wanted them to be outside of our love affair. They did not push between us, HE needed them. And so, over time, I adopted him. He never grew up, even when I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. he did not live with his parents, but he always heard from them every day. Everyone. Without exception. At 25 years old. He needed that. When we went on vacation, he took me to them. Great for him - he has everything he wants, but for me to spend my vacation with strangers, in someone else's house ... Then I started to organize the holidays. And they are cool people and I like them, but I wanted them to be outside of our love affair. They did not push between us, HE needed them. And so, over time, I adopted him. He never grew up, even when I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. he did not live with his parents, but he always heard from them every day. Everyone. Without exception. At 25 years old. He needed that. When we went on vacation, he took me to them. Great for him - he has everything he wants, but for me to spend my vacation with strangers, in someone else's house ... Then I started to organize the holidays. And they are cool people and I like them, but I wanted them to be outside of our love affair. They did not push between us, HE needed them. And so, over time, I adopted him. He never grew up, even when I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. Great for him - he has everything he wants, but to spend my vacation with strangers, in someone else's house ... Then I started to organize the holidays. And they are cool people and I like them, but I wanted them to be outside of our love affair. They did not push between us, HE needed them. And so, over time, I adopted him. He never grew up, even when I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. Great for him - he has everything he wants, but for me to spend my vacation with strangers, in someone else's house ... Then I started to organize the holidays. And they are cool people and I like them, but I wanted them to be outside of our love affair. They did not push between us, HE needed them. And so, over time, I adopted him. He never grew up, even when I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. even as I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way. even as I gave birth, even after the death of theirs. If I could go back in time, I would drop it after our first meeting and go some other way.
The step is big, because outside the house the costs are much higher. When you are at home, when something breaks, when you have to buy washing powder / toothpaste / detergents, toilet paper, etc. Someone does it for you. Food is cheaper when you cook for more people than for 1-2 people. It is easier for his parents to live with them and give him pocket money instead of living with you and give him 200-300 leva. If he comes to you, he will have to be responsible for such expenses, to be able to take you to coffee / cinema from time to time. I don't believe you or your parents want to support him because he lives with you. In my opinion, he is not ready for such a step, he is still 20. There are men in their 30s who are not ready. Don't judge him, but accept things as they are and think about whether you can accept that he is at a distance - and decide whether you stay together or not.
This is not an easy decision for both of you, obviously more difficult for him, but it does not mean that you are not important to him.
In fact, you just want things to go the way you want them to, you don't care how he feels or his desires - they're more of an obstacle for you. You expect him to make sacrifices for you and you for him, and if he doesn't become yours, you are ready to separate. I think you are selfish and no doubt many selfish people here will support you, but as a man I would stay away from you.
I don't think you can put yourself in his shoes. Imagine that you go to a foreign city, a foreign house, where you can't relax with strangers. Of course, I don't excuse him for crying like a child for mom and dad, but I understand that it's not easy for him. And probably the reason is not mom and dad, but just the very fact that he is in a completely foreign environment and environment, which is stress, no matter what we talk about. He is just in shock and can't decide what to give it to and the first thing he remembers are mom and dad. I'm not excusing him, I'm just saying don't rush to judge a man without being in his shoes. Because very often the people who judge turn out to be older boys, but they only understand him when they get into his situation. So let the author go and live in his city for a while and see for herself how she would feel. If they like it, let them live there.
I don't think that he is attached to them, but that he has decided to live with them for 40 years and for them to support him. That if he comes to you, he will have to start work someday.
Number 11 explained it very well. You just had some expectations of how he comes to you, the second you start to feel at home and you live happily. And if that doesn't happen, you're in a hurry to accuse him of being a child. But for a moment you do not put yourself in his place. Why don't you go and live with them in a completely foreign house, city, people, environment, to see if you will jump from joy to the sky and be super calm? It is easy to judge from the sides.
You posted a bit of a controversial topic. It is difficult to move from your hometown, everyone goes through a period of nostalgia, but this does not mean that he will give up everything new that he has begun to build. We are talking about a 20-year-old boy, he is not a mature man, he only now understands that he is not a teenager and it will take time to accept him. It took me 3-4 months to get used to the new home and feel in place. I'm close to my parents, too, and I missed them. At this stage I am still on good terms with them, but I do not feel like a stranger in my apartment, which is 200 km from home. He can't come to live with you and hop, in a week everything will be right and he won't miss anything. Give him some time and wait for him to make his own decision.
You must first live separately. You have no place in a house with parents. For me, 20 years is the age at which you have to be separate, but they are my mother and father. Tomorrow at the first problem he will call mom.