I Can't Stand This Pressure

I am a 23 year old girl from a small town. I've been through a lot of difficulties in my life and they don't seem to end. When my brother was born, there was a problem. They had to operate on him. A very small and immature baby. Now is good. He is in the tenth grade. He is already a hero. When I was his age, my mother got sick. It turned out that there was a tumor in the brain. She underwent surgery, underwent radiation therapy. She knows what Hell she's been through. It was a very difficult and difficult period for the whole family. Now there are days when he has a severe headache and can't get out of bed. She is too irritable, does not speak properly and is not always adequate. About a year ago, Dad decided to leave us. While I was at work, he took her divorce papers and she signed them without knowing exactly what she was doing. He packed his bags and moved out because of his mistress. He went to another city and started a new family. His arguments were that he had accumulated a lot, that he always took care of everything, that he could not live with my sick and nervous mother, that he lived.

He wanted to pay attention now. He sends support to my brother, which he spends and gives nothing for food. Everything suddenly fell on me, unprepared. Going to hospitals, paying all the bills (before we shared them), taking care of food, I became the head of the family. The problem is that neither of them listens to me. My mother is a passionate smoker. There is no way I can give her up this habit, or at least reduce them. He goes shopping and does bills. All this for cigarettes. At least when making bills, to bring some food home - NO. The point is that I expect a little help from them, not for anything else, but because I have recently got a new job and I still don't have a salary. In the summer I took my brother's pay phone, but in my name. I did it to please him, to make him happy and because we agreed that he would pay for it from the children. I trusted him and gave him money to pay the bills because I worked. It turned out at one point that he had not paid for the water for months and that he had not paid three installments for the phone. They started texting me. They would sue me. Good thing Dad sent him money and we repaid it.

My thought is that no matter how much money my brother has, he still doesn't have enough. He's sloppy, he doesn't help me with anything at home, he doesn't even throw the garbage. He lives his life, but still seeks food when he comes home. I am now in a difficult period until I start receiving a salary. The work is very naughty, not for anything else, but because you work with a gas mask that you can't breathe with. I'm gluing a membrane for firefighter uniforms on a gluing machine in a sewing workshop. It's normal, it smells disgusting, it's not just me, I have a fever and I'm sick. The working day is eight hours, but I stay almost every day, I also go on weekends. I make an effort to catch the norm, to get used to it, because the well-being of my family is in my hands. However, I am sad that somehow they do not see my efforts. My mother doesn't feel well every day, but she has the opportunity to at least wipe the dust, not do it. He makes wrinkles that I don't know how to fix. There is wood, and she runs an electric stove. Electricity BGN 200 every month. My brother sees that I am constantly in the workshop, but it does not occur to him to run a vacuum cleaner and throw the garbage. I can't get along with him, I spoke nicely to him - No, I slapped him - no. I have a friend for 3 years. Man - very polite, smart, kind, dedicated, human, caring and kind. He always helped me. Some time ago I was very mentally ill. I didn't eat, I didn't talk, I didn't sleep, I wasn't human. The good thing is that after a lot of unsuccessful attempts to hit my diagnosis and pills after a lot of you overdosed with the wrong medication, my father found the right doctor who brought me back to life.

If it wasn't for my friend, to help me believe in myself again, to pull me out of the hole I was in, to teach me to communicate again and go out, I would hardly be able to cope on my own. It helps me with everything. It is always my support and calm. However, we are not like other couples and this weighs more and more on me. We cannot be intimate. The problem is that we have no way home, we are worried about ours, there is no way to be comforted, we are worried about his mother. We still can't afford to go somewhere. He has a loan and doesn't want us to go live somewhere else until he suffers. He is afraid of getting into a situation, of not being able to pay for it. There is no way we can leave our families. His mother is also ill, like mine, and they have no one else to take care of them. Somehow, however, I have the feeling that he has no desire for sex. I don't know, in my opinion, in the relationship between a man and a woman, sex is the basis, because otherwise the relationship is only friendly. Attraction is one of the main things. He is bigger than me. He's 30. It's as if he doesn't care, but I don't. My classmates, already married, with children, and I don't even have sex. I want to live while I'm young. A woman needs to be touched, kissed, loved. I'm not saying we don't love each other, but we don't express those feelings. In the second year of our relationship, I failed seriously. I fell for a colleague. I just felt attracted, like with a magnet. I tried to put out the fire that started inside me, but I couldn't. I told V. what was happening to me. I didn't cheat on him. I was honest with him, I didn't lie to him. I told him I wanted to try the other boy. We broke up. Yes, but with the other, it was all just sex, I didn't find everything I found in B. We didn't fit in any other way. I don't know what I thought could happen. As they say, I knocked my head off. V. and I are very close, he is an integral part of my day, he knows me better than I know myself. We have common views on life and similar opinions on many issues. Somehow we can't do without each other, he's my boy. I just made a mistake, listened to the voice of my body, listened to my physical needs. He knows how he suffered, how sick he was. We were recently left alone. Something that very rarely happens. His mother went to another city, for a few days, to look after his sister's child. I stayed quiet for a few days. I tried to be with him, but he backed away. Finally we talked and he said that he was somehow scared of women, that I was not attracted to him like before, that he was afraid if he was with me, not to remember what I had done to him and not to get things done and to expose himself. . I told him I would never laugh at him, but he said that the male ego was a male ego. We cried. I know she feels dirty, touched by someone else.

It's been a long time since then, but it must still hurt. He said he would do his best, that everything would be fine in the future, that he understood that I had needs too. Yes, but time goes by. Three years no intimacy. I know I was wrong with the other. I know I have a lot of guilt, but even before my mistake we did nothing. Life is so stressful. At the moment, everything is just nerves and problems. I need to relax, to unload. I feel less and less calm, I'm more and more nervous. Somehow my smile seems to disappear. Somehow I wither. Everyone asks us why we are not married yet, having been walking for so long. What a wedding, we don't even touch. Kisses are rare. I'm still the initiator, and he always says that I know he doesn't like to be kissed. He lets me satisfy him with my hand, but he doesn't touch me at all.

I think now is our time. Somehow I don't feel like a full-fledged woman. Life around me is boiling, and mine lately is not life at all. V. is the person who will always understand me, support me, listen to me, advise me. He is my companion, support and companion. We have a good time together. I can't imagine a day without him, but time goes by. We will not always be young. And in the future we will one day reach the stage of creating a home, creating a family ... Yes, but what if we do nothing…? I just wanted to share and ask you what you would do in such a situation. Thanks!