Hello! The story is long, but I will try to tell the most important of it. I have been married for 11 years. Of several, however, our marriage is not going well - there is no respect and trust between the above, no love, no care for each other. For almost a year, my husband has been abroad and I live alone with our two children. Along with him, I learned to take care of everything on my own, it is so useless. Both alcohol and aggression are involved in our history. Since he is gone, we feel free, happy and calm with the children. I want to divorce, meekly and quietly, without complications and dramas. In a few days he will come from abroad to see the children, and something terribly worries me, tightens my throat, makes me cry. I am afraid that the tension will return, the tears will return. My children are restless, they don't want to come. He hurt us a lot, he thinks he has changed, and we have forgotten. 7 days will be here, how to cope, how to overcome my fear of possible problems, how to protect children from injury? I barely reassured them of the previous ones before he left. I will stop here, I have no words, I am so confused.
Answers 5
Hi, I understand you dear. Your situation is truly unenviable. Eleven years of marriage and two children ... it's pretty serious, some will say. In such cases, advice is not given, but borrowed from foreign examples. We know from life and practice that there are critical moments in every family, around the age of three, seven, thirteen, etc. My cousin was supposedly happily married. They have five children, three boys and two girls. The eldest is a boy, then a girl, and in the same order to the youngest. Their problems did not appear suddenly. From the very beginning there were signals for such. For example, he hid part of the income. She trusted him completely. Then he often stayed with his mother. She is a woman alone, without a man. Great beauty, attractive and quite relaxed. That didn't bother Gabriela, the cousin, at all. She has a very modern understanding, open to everything. Her only restraint was her loyalty to her husband. We often talked about her mother-in-law and she told me that she had nothing against her. We suspected that there was a sexual relationship between the husband and his mother. That didn't bother Gabriella at all. Even she was ready to stimulate him in this regard, only mother-in-law and not to feel isolated and abandoned. Dad once asked me, "Does Gabby need financial support?" I told him what I know, that he seems to be hiding his income. That I've often heard him say, "I can't touch the fund, and I'm human!" I didn't even know the meaning of the expression then. When Dad heard me, he frowned a lot and said: - I guess there will be no luck darling? This was at the very beginning of their marriage. Like her uncle, Dad was very worried about her. My aunt tried to convince him that they were very happy. But by the fifth year, Gabriella was pregnant with their third child, something happened that infuriated my father and made him focus on his son-in-law. He had overheard Trifun-son-in-law in the company telling his friend that he didn't care about her. There was nowhere to go with these children. That a man to be free and independent of his wife is enough to have children, then she would stand on her ass and take care of them. He finished with the words: - Here, look at me. My father stood with his back to him at the next table. He was sure of his voice that it was him, but he turned to convince himself and nearly slapped him. There has been no peace since then. He tried to talk to my aunt and Gabriella, but they ignored him. So eleven years passed. During this time, Dad also talked to his mother. They knew each other very well and she had great respect and fear of her father, then she told him the truth. But you had no idea that their relationship is like that. She avoided seeing her daughter-in-law for fear of falling out and caused a scandal. In their brief meetings, everything looked great. Gabriella was already 33 years old, their eldest son at fourteen and the youngest at 7. Then he couldn't stand it and cried, he shared the real situation with us. He said he hadn't looked for her almost as a woman in a long time. He came to her only when he was stuck for sex, attacked her directly and then forgot about her. The situation was not critical, but dramatic. There was nothing she could do. We are both the same age, but I gave birth earlier, my son is 16. What he heard shocked him and he said: - I will beat him! What a bastard. I did not doubt my son's words. He knows how to fight, he trains aikido and for him such a person was not a problem. But Dad stepped in and explained that if anything was done by force, this will guarantee neither peace in Gabriela's family nor a future. Dad was of the opinion that everything should be done wisely and meekly. Some time had passed, Tryphon moved to work in Sofia and appeared only occasionally. Each of his appearances was terror, insults to Gabriella and the children, beat them, and finally accused Gabriella of having a lover. Mila had not seen a male attribute since before her last pregnancy. She did her best to refuse him, because his every touch was pregnancy. He seldom sought her out for pleasure, and personally. As a cover, he accused her and their son of adultery. This overflowed the glass and she asked him to leave the apartment immediately. He jumped up and started beating her, then their other child called us. I was gone, my son answered. Realizing what was going on instead of calling his father or father, he went to Gabriella and beat Tryphon. He threw it away and then called Dad. My father took all three to the doctor, even took pictures of their bruises. Gabriella then lodged a complaint with the prosecutor, demanding that he not be allowed to approach them. The surprise was two days later, when a lawsuit came against Gabriela for compensation for severe bodily injuries inflicted on her and her lovers and ... We were not very surprised. He had a lot of cop friends. Things got a lot rough, he accused his wife of having sex with their children. The quarrels dragged on for years. My father found Gabriela a job in Italy. She had never worked, but she had to take care of her children and herself. About a year passed, the Bulgarian court finally took her side and ruled in her favor. Tryphon is sentenced to pay alimony while the children study. Separately, the father filed a lawsuit on her behalf against him with a claim for moral and material damage. Trifun had threatened to kill her, believing that it was easier in Italy, but the carabinieri caught him in an attempt and now in an Italian prison. She finally got rid of this jerk, but lost almost ten years of her life. Today she is happy, she lives and works there, her children are insured, they study, etc. I think you have many opportunities to avoid his presence and closeness. You yourself have come to believe that his presence is unbearable and dangerous for you and your children. The solution is in yourself! but lost almost ten years of his life. Today she is happy, she lives and works there, her children are insured, they study, etc. I think you have many opportunities to avoid his presence and closeness. You yourself have come to believe that his presence is unbearable and dangerous for you and your children. The solution is in yourself! but lost almost ten years of his life. Today she is happy, she lives and works there, her children are insured, they study, etc. I think you have many opportunities to avoid his presence and closeness. You yourself have come to believe that his presence is unbearable and dangerous for you and your children. The solution is in yourself!
Grit your teeth spend these 7 days, if not changed, divorce.
Once things get to the point where you cry at the thought of coming, the only solution is divorce! You have already learned to take care of the children on your own, and the children are not happy that their father is coming home, so do you have at least one good reason not to ask for a divorce immediately? So gather courage and just tell him briefly and clearly that you want a divorce. I did so, I was mad with nerves and anxiety, but I gathered my strength and told him and guess what, the world did not stop spinning! On the contrary, it turned out that he had the same thoughts, but for some reason he waited for me to take the first step, perhaps because his family is quite conservative and did not know how his mother would react, and in this case I made it easier for him. I took all the blame for the end of our marriage. So I know you're insanely worried, but believe me, gather courage and go. There is nothing to lose after you do not live together and manage alone. It will be better for you and the children.
Consult a lawyer about the possibilities. You can start the divorce proceedings in his absence when he leaves again. If he is prone to violence and threats, see if you can ask for a restraining order so that he does not approach you with the children. You say he'll be here in a few days and stay for a week. One option is to pretend to be stupid during this time and not show that you are thinking of something until it goes away, and then activate things. However, if you think that you will not tolerate it touching you and that it may harm the children, talk to the lawyer about the options not to let him in at all and possibly issue a restraining order if he is willing to make threats. Ask your relatives for support - possibly someone to stay with you during this time.
Thank you for the words of all who commented. We signed divorce documents without drama to negative emotions. I hope everything goes well and that I have no problems in the future, to maintain human relations.