I write the topic with a lot of pain. Yesterday I had a phone conversation with one of my closest friends. In it, she said she was pregnant by the man she was dating. She is already in a very advanced pregnancy. When she told me, however, she didn't sound very happy, and to be honest, I don't think she was. For several months we suspected her relatives, but we waited for her to take the step to tell us. Yesterday she told me that the reason she told us at a later stage was that she was worried about the child's health. This is ok, but ... They dated the man she lives with less than a year before she got pregnant by him. Their relationship is not stable. They often quarrel. They are both terribly hot-tempered and unyielding.
My friend constantly suggests to herself that her husband is cheating on her and checking his phone, watching his conversations, looking at him askance as a girl speaks, even if he goes to the store and exchanges 2 words with the saleswoman, this is a reason for a scandal of jealousy. Her husband ignores her in such cases, which infuriates her even more. He almost never complies with her opinion, in the evening, after work he goes out either with friends or goes somewhere to visit and comes home at 11-12 o'clock to sleep there. One time they had quarreled at 12 o'clock in the morning and he had driven her out of the car in the middle of the street in a completely unfamiliar neighborhood. She had wandered for about 20 minutes before finding a cab and returning to him. She didn't tell me he physically assaulted her, but she hides the negative things so we don't tell her they're not appropriate for each other. However, this is not the most worrying thing. I could not understand the motives and get pregnant from him. In general, they were 2: I am already years old and it is time for me to have a child (he is currently 27 years old) ) and I want to have a child in general, because my sister has, and she is younger, and my grandmother gives me trouble and so on.
This is an accurate quote from her words. I was a little shocked and yet I delicately tried to mention that it is important which man you will have a child with. Throughout the conversation, she talked about her desire and that she wanted to be like her other classmates with children, not to lag behind. He mentioned his friend only in this way: "At first she was not happy at all, now she is a little happy." I mean, before her sister gave birth - she didn't want to have children at all, she said they disgusted her, that she's tired of being screamed on her head. The moment she found out that her sister was pregnant, she had a desire to be like her, not to lag behind, she accepted it as a kind of competition. She was not dating this man at the time, but she kept saying that she should have a child right away. Just the opposite of her statements until a few months ago. I don't know, people, if I'm wrong, but shouldn't something so important not be taken at the first sign and on the level of emotion. And when we were younger, he did such nonsense. The moment someone told her she wasn't going in the right direction, she was ambitious to do it 10 times more, and then she came back to us to cry on our shoulders. Now, however, there is no going back. It's a lifelong thing, and I'm not sure she realizes it. A momentary whim that he will regret and harass us mentally. There is hardly a day that he doesn't call me on the phone (we don't live in the same city) and don't complain about it all the time. And, of course, he turns things around again. But how much better is your husband, how much more serious is he, I want the same. And he shakes like a small child. I just hear - I want, I want, I want. She talked about the child as if it would be only hers and that she had decided that it should be so, and it occurred to her 1 night.
Even before she got pregnant, she complained that there was no sex life between them, and their evenings were spent complaining to her or another friend of ours and quarreling with him when he came home. I don't know, I respect her as a friend. We helped each other in difficult situations. We have known each other for 15 years. She had had periods before where she had a fixed idea that she had to be like someone else. You have a serious friend and I will stay with mine even though things are not going well. I feel this friendship becoming toxic. After every problem, I tell her that the solution is very simple - everyone goes their own way, but no - this is ignored and the complaints continue.
This burdens me a lot because I am more emotional. I am just the opposite, I think carefully about the smallest decision and this chaos and change of mood affect me. I want to abstract myself somehow, but I am about to move to live in her city and I feel that she will use me as a trash can, and my heart will not let me reject her, because there will be no one else to rely on. .
Answers 3
It sounds to me that he has Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. To go to a psychologist, she will be prescribed cognitive behavioral therapy. She will most likely be prescribed SSRI inhibitors. Stay away from her so she doesn't poison your life and yours. But don't cut her sharply, because then she will hate you (these people can either hate or love, there is no middle ground) and she will start to envy the other girls that they have girlfriends and she doesn't. Then you will take on the role of her husband, but in terms of friendship it is likely to lead her to the threat of suicide - emotional blackmail. She will grow up, but she needs time. Her husband will leave her, it is clear, no one is obliged to tolerate her. She is also more likely to try to take the child because she is emotionally unstable.
I don't know what you two have in common, but it sounds like you're a completely different person. I wonder why she is so close to you, and you don't even seem to understand each other at all. I guess you've known each other since you were a child, but you're very different now. People change and take different directions. There is nothing you can do to help her. The decisions are hers, and so are the consequences. She will understand that some choices are a lifelong hard way and the stubbornness is only at her expense. As soon as a relationship starts to burden you (I don't call it "friendship", which is not exactly the case for me), end it. I'm not saying to argue with her, but move away slowly - you're busy, you have a job, you have commitments, etc. Otherwise you can run all your life to fix her porridge and cry on your shoulder after she's done another simple thing.
There are such people. It is as if they live outside of themselves and what happens after one of their decisions does not seem to affect them. Moreover, they do not realize that they can change things. Maybe they like it that way, maybe they are brought up in such a way that nothing depends on them. It may be easier for them, because in making a decision they have to live with the consequences, knowing that they are responsible. Or maybe just complaining about their lives is the only thing they can do. They may simply not know what they want out of life and their only criterion is what others are doing. I do not know. Certainly the cause is somewhere in childhood and puberty, and is laid down genetically. They cannot get out of this situation on their own. I had such an acquaintance, I was to blame for every decision. Although man is now much better socially and materially, the fact that I have intervened is a reason to be guilty of any misfortune that is happening at the moment. I ended the relationship. Without who knows what dramas. It's just that everyday complaints are extremely stressful, I felt like I was living for someone else. My life and problems were left in the fog somewhere back. Now, although I am alone, I am calmer, I already look after my interests, I feel a little more complete for myself. Personally, I think such friendships and relationships are overrated on both sides. Usually the one who complains parasitizes on the back of the other. Two people live an incomplete life. You decide whether to limit contacts or continue to do so. It's just that the price is too high for the few services you've done in the past. She will not change on her own, someone or something must force her. There is another point - hormones. During pregnancy, such changes are possible that even a year after pregnancy. But if it's been like that for a long time ... Well, then it's just like that and it's going to get worse.