Thanks to everyone who will read my story! Thank you for your attention and advice! I am writing for the first time on the site, but I have read a lot of stories here. Later in your story you will find out why I came here. I am a 40-year-old man from a big regional city. I was left without one of my parents early and I had to forget about my childhood. I was looking for a job and I didn't have to worry about getting paid. I contributed money to the family budget and I was satisfied. I also found time for friends, but most of the time I worked late. They went out to bars, discos, etc. and I stayed at home or at work. I later discovered my strong attraction to women. Today so. Tomorrow so. And at one point, I started looking for strong attention and attraction to the one who showed that she was interested in me. That's right. Butterflies in the stomach, a great desire for intimacy and so on to this day! I started having sex at the age of 17. The moment I went to bed with a girl / woman /, I closed my eyes to the others and looked only at her. Our relationship lasted on average about a year. I ran after them and did everything that would bring them predisposition, comfort and pleasant moments. I fell in love quite easily and when our relationship ended for months I could not kill my thoughts about her. One, two - ten, and always went the same way. I stayed at one job. A year later there appeared the daughter of the bosses. In an instant I swallowed my grammar and language. After a year of coincidence, their daughter started coming to her parents almost every day. She started paying more attention to me, while at one point we were looking to share the things of the day. friendship between a man and a woman. I was looking forward to seeing you and talking. Judging by her demeanor, she didn't feel what was boiling inside me. I fell in love to such an extent that I woke up at night to dream about her. And so for 3-4 years, until I realized that I was just a "girlfriend" "and. I got into absurd relationships just to stop thinking about her. I jumped into my biggest nightmare! it so happened that I met a woman who was in another larger city 300 km away.
She had a two-month-old baby. I don't know why I let myself fall in love with her. Why did I ignore the kilometers, the situation and her eternally absent friend. To this day I am SORRY that I made this mistake! It so happened that my "girlfriend" was also in this city on her business. I don't know why I called her. I don't know if I made her jealous. When she heard the story and why I was in this city, she stared in astonishment. She asked me several times if I knew what I was doing. I know! I'm a freak! Judge me. But I needed a woman. That was the arrangement. Nothing more. You can't understand the stories and advice they give you until you experience it. And in reality I longed for my girlfriend. I couldn't even be with this woman who invited to bed. My girlfriend and I went to our hometown. We sat together on the bus. Calm down and hugged me. For two hours until the bus stopped to rest, she slept in my arms. I admired her face! On her hands and! Her hair was in my face and I inhaled her scent! Even when she woke up and kissed me on the cheek, I did not dare to say anything to her. I completely refused to pursue her and sigh after her. I was called again in this city. I forgot and shook everything. We spent two unforgettable days. I knew I shouldn't slap myself, but I didn't know how serious things could get. For a whole year I ran to this city just to be with this woman and the child. We fell madly in love! We talked constantly on the phone and Skype. I wanted her only for myself. I had become incredibly nervous and I just needed a reason to explode.
My friend sensed this and forced me to tell her everything. Together we started looking for a way out or a solution. Until he told me: Propose marriage. And miracles! I was ready. On the recommendation of my friend, we chose a ring and a huge plush toy. I sewed the ring in it and got in the car for the trip. It was the beginning of February and I brought the gifts in them. She was happy. Later I returned to my city. and on February 14 I waited for the moment when she would sit in front of the camera and make her tear the toy. I also got a huge heartbeat and barely reached validol. With great difficulty I made her cut the cloth and took out the ring. He cried. He turned off the camera. I couldn't find her for three days. Finally we met on Skype and accepted. Move to my city with the child. Every day I regretted that we took this step! I separated two people who loved each other! I separated the father from my child! I still hate myself for that! I can't forget it for 10 years now! We went to my hometown twice a month. I couldn't make that much. My refusals started. We broke up. A week later we were together again. And all over this time, I could barely stand it. I roared like a child about her! I had an incredible breakdown. After the 4th such separation, I woke up and realized that we had to stop this absurdity. We separated and I stopped living for about a month. I got into a terribly deep depression. I knew I was wrong! And after 6-7 months I stepped again on your feet.
I realized that as innocent as our friendship with my girlfriend may seem, we made a mistake in which a lot of people were hurt. I hated her for it! I started insulting her and behaving badly with her. I did my best to make her move away from me. And she caught one 10 years older than her, who I don't know where they let him go from! Modest and quiet uncle! I don't know why, stubborn or something, but I also got in touch with a woman 13 years older than me. I distanced myself from everything. I stopped absolutely everything . No meetings. No friends. Nothing! I wanted to end my current life by measuring opportunities and comparing with others. I gave myself completely to this poop. We lived together for about two years. I don't remember a day or a moment when we quarreled over something.
Everything went like a wonderful fairy tale. Since then I have changed radically. I only watched her. After a while I started to feel anxious. For no reason, I had an inner feeling, that something will happen. This feeling did not leave my head for a month. And one day we were sitting on a bench in the park. Overwhelmed by this feeling, I radiated anxiety. She was also worried when she saw me like that. I looked up from the ground, ready to explain that I didn't know what was bothering me. And my gaze settled on a mother holding her child to teach him to walk. My eyes instantly filled with tears and my chest tightened. I fell silent and tried to hide. She obviously noticed because two days later she reminded me of the incident. Pleasant coexistence and peace were disturbed! We both looked down at the ground. And one day she made me sit across from her and told me that she could no longer have children. She saw and knew why I was ruined. Through tears, we both decided to separate so that at least one of us can be happy. I was already 33 years old. My thought of my own child did not give me peace. I got to the point where I considered the option of paying as much as a woman wanted to give birth to my child. I was crazy! I blamed myself for my damn life!
I hated what I was! I was desperately looking for a woman with which to create a family and a child. The moment I almost gave up, SHE appeared! That's right SHE. Wife of 33. Alone. No children or a relationship. And he caught up with me. I had turned off all senses of caution. We liked each other and started going out. And the bomb was ticking in my head. I couldn't stand it. And on the 6th month of our relationship, I told her what I wanted. I took off my protection and everything. I also said that this is exactly what I was looking for and if she did not agree, to separate in time so as not to waste time. After 3-4 months she became pregnant. I was in the eighth heaven of happiness until she showed her true nature. She became irritable, irritable. He was constantly finding something to make a scandal of.
I gritted my teeth and was silent. I thought it was a temporary condition because of the hormones. Well, it wasn't! It got even scarier! Shouts, screams, scandals from morning till night. I kept enduring. My nerves were broken by this. I gritted my teeth and was silent, hoping to stop it. It got even worse. She jumped into battle. God and black magic entered her head! I was told absurd things! From scandals and quarrels the child is stressed! He is already 6 years old and behaves like a 2 year old. We visited all sorts of psychologists, fortune tellers, magicians and doctors. In 80 percent of them, the words were just that. Stress from the mother. With these conclusions, she erupted and insulted the order. The doctors saw each other in a miracle. No one could give her intelligence or advice. According to her, she was infallible. I was silent, clenching my teeth just so we wouldn't argue in front of the child. I started running away from the room so that we wouldn't argue. For several years I've been thinking about a court case to take away her rights and the right to see him. I'm not so mean! How will this child survive to separate him even from his sick mother ?! I stopped hoping for better!
She started running away with the child to her mother. I still can't get used to the idea of being away from my son. Because of these torments and nerves, I started to repel people around me. Almost 7 years I did not know what attention and understanding were. Not to mention that for 6 years I forgot what the taste and touch of a woman's body is! From scandals and headaches, I couldn't even think about a woman's attention. Her visits became more frequent with her mother. I heard the child laughing and rejoicing in the yard. The price, if I may say so for his laughter, is my misfortune, I am ready to pay it! For years I have been praying to the fictional God and the Devil to take my soul at the expense of his happiness and good health. Even if one of you asks me for this price, just to fix the child, I will pay it in an instant! Now I stand alone, here on this site. I am writing to someone to pour out my pain and my chest tightens me to the point of breathing difficult. Many times I thought about how to stop this pain. But I always found the strength to stand up and continue for the sake of my child. And at one point fate appeared! I don't know if I should interpret it that way, but it appeared with force and a high middle finger! I jokingly created a profile on one of the dating sites that are recommended here. I stared at a woman 4 years older than me. In a nearby town. I have seen many women and I have not stared as long as with my girlfriend. WONDERFUL WOMAN!
I also wrote it while staring at the photo and it answered me. We got into a normal conversation. After 20 minutes he asked me to continue on another site. He went on vacation and wrote what, how and where. Apparently my mood rose. I started feverishly to I'm waiting for her message. And at one point she dropped the bomb I hated! "We are friends, aren't we?" I knew it was normal. We just talked for two days with messages. But the catchphrase sent me back in time to my girlfriend. That's why I started telling my life so far away. We kept writing to each other. I found out about her for two weeks that she was alone. She has a big son in another country and several unsuccessful relationships. She wanted to continue like this. I had not seen or talked to such a beautiful woman for years. She underestimated my compliments. She insulted me with ugly words. And I began to feel a great desire to be closer to her. She sent me pictures. We joked. My feelings for her began to get more serious. I began to fall asleep thinking about her. I woke up thinking about her. I even dreamed of her once. Gradually a feeling arose in me that I could not be myself if I did not touch. with her even with messages.
I do not stop thinking about her. From time to time the image of my son appears in my mind and I lose heart again. I do not know how much I would endure mentally with these feelings! That's why my story is so long and I'm sorry if anyone hires to read it. Insult me. Judge me. I am not the only one who has such a life. There is no one to ask for advice. There is no one to pour my pain on! I dream of experiencing happiness again if I want to and for the last time in my life! I know that it is not right to have such feelings for a beautiful woman who speaks freely to me. I rarely meet such a person. I want to get out of this life of an unfortunate person. Even if I left the city, I would do it for her. There is such a possibility that our characters do not match and I make a mistake again. But I want this experience! I want to make this mistake one last time! That's what I'm writing about here. I want your advice so I know what to do. I am sorry for the volume of the topic, but this is the best way to understand what kind of person I am and how much misery I have experienced. Thanks for your attention and answers! I want to make this mistake one last time! That's what I'm writing about here. I want your advice so I know what to do. I am sorry for the volume of the topic, but this is the best way to understand what kind of person I am and how much misery I have experienced. Thanks for your attention and answers! I want to make this mistake one last time! That's what I'm writing about here.
I want your advice so I know what to do. I am sorry for the volume of the topic, but this is the best way to understand what kind of person I am and how much misery I have experienced. Thanks for your attention and answers!
Answers 11
You forgot to sign - "That crazy". I'm sorry, but I can't sympathize with you - you fill the site with your cries, you are brainwashed in every topic, you are vulgar and illiterate. Calm down a little.
I understand that it's hard for you, you can unload by writing here, I don't know. We already know the story from other topics. To me, you spin like a hamster on one of those wheels in their cages. You can't do the same thing and expect a different result. It seems to me that you have depersonalized yourself as a man and as a person. That you also became a psychologist. And if God forbid you get sick, how will you help your child? You can't stand your wife and you are looking after a child in such a toxic environment? Well, she'll be nervous. If you break up with her, at least temporarily, she can calm down. You will always have the right to see your child, to help him financially. Even so, one day it will still separate, if you don't save yourself, it won't be useful to him at all. Take matters into your own hands and change your life, go to a sanatorium, no matter how short, change the environment. Go do some research, cardiologist, etc., take care of yourself. Try your luck with the new woman, it will unload a little. This is the first time I've said this to someone because I'm against infidelity and I don't, but you need something to get you out of the black hole you're in. I don't know yet what to advise you, but you need to stabilize yourself mentally and physically and think about yourself, not just the child. Talk to lawyers about a possible divorce and parental rights.
I am the author. Number 1, thank you for your attention and for reading my story. I'm not that person and I took the trouble to find his topic. There are similarities, you're right. But if it matters at all, I'm not that person. Number 2. Thanks for the tips, but it's too late for a new relationship. I confessed to the woman in question that I was beginning to feel something for her, and that was it. It was just conversations. That's good. And I'm really going to go to a psychologist, to try to explain to me the mistake I made. This will be the ultimate experience. I have no idea where I'm wrong, and why whatever I catch hits a spectacular failure. It's just been years. I thought I had gathered experience and reason. Apparently I haven't learned anything. Thank you for your attention and time!
As number 2, I have already read your story in other topics. I don't see how you can fix your relationship with your wife - you've already tried everything and hated each other. Yours is a mixture of masochism and constant agony. How long do you think you will be able to withstand this life and daily stress purely physically before you collapse? You deserve to be happy too. If the new woman is really serious and has some intentions towards you, and not just to use you to scratch her ego and pull away when you want something more serious, then try for God! This may be your last chance. Get out! Start fresh. Offer your wife to take the child with you and let her take care of herself, at least until she gets to her feet. If he doesn't want to, he doesn't want to - you will pay alimony then and you will look after your child again. But get out of there. Don't wait for her to leave, nor does he make plans to take the new one to his mother's house. Don't be afraid of a mistake - it can't get any worse :) Things can only go up from this situation. You deserve to try. For the child, you are not a functioning family and support at the moment.
I have also read your story and several times I am going to ask you if this was told to you by a doctor about the 5-valent vaccine, or it is a personal observation, because my son will have one in a few months. On the subject. The same story will be repeated because there is a lack of awareness. Here is your summary: A woman who only wants you for a friend. Woman with a newborn. A woman who can't give you the child you want. An emotionally unstable woman (google it to find out what you're dealing with) And again, a woman who only wants friendship. Conclusion: you are attracted to women who are not really able to commit and give you love. You are looking for relationships in which intimacy is impossible, because in fact you yourself are subconsciously afraid of commitment, so it is this anxiety when things go well. I think I know what's going on in your head. You think, it's so good, I hope I don't lose it and get hurt again, and instead of enjoying and relaxing, you start unconsciously creating problems, withdrawing, saving your love, testing your partner, or vice versa. you deny your personal needs, you make abnormal compromises, you allow unacceptable behavior, thinking that the other person will say to himself "if he tolerates this, then he really loves me". No, man, the other person says to himself "if he tolerates this, then he is not normal" and so you lose all respect and dignity. When one does not love oneself, one cannot be loved, nor can one truly love another. There is a fairy tale by Jorge Bucay, in which a man and a woman in love walk next to each other, separated by a lattice. On their way, the man says, "I think if I cut off my hand I'll be able to get through the bars." he cuts his hand, but still fails. They walk for a long time, but he can't stand it and says again "I think that if I cut off one of my legs, I will succeed" he says "But you are no longer whole, you are no longer the one I fell in love with" and continues on his own. Do you understand what you are doing. You depersonalize, melt and amputate your personality to become what you are to be loved. Because deep down you believe that you do not deserve to be loved and accepted, as you are. This is a lack of self-love. And without self-love, love is impossible. This should be your next relationship, with yourself. Everything that happens to you is a consequence of the absent parent and the fear of abandonment. You have not received the unconditional love and presence of both parents and you are subconsciously trying to cover this deficit, to heal the trauma by reconnecting with people from whom you cannot receive love and presence. You get into similar situations, in a competition "this time I will deserve love and presence". And the truth is that you are the only one who can give them to himself, but he does not give them to himself because he does not believe that he deserves them. I will repeat it again, if you think that you do not deserve your own time / presence for yourself (to see friends, to play sports, if you want to paint something, to read, to drive without direction, to do at all something that you like only for yourself and your personal comfort), and you think it is more important / others deserve your time more than yourself (always available, always useful, in service), then your presence / time loses value. You don't appreciate it yourself, how can anyone else appreciate it? On the contrary, he even thinks that he is using it more usefully. This way you will always feel worn out, invaluable and used. That is, instead of doing good, making a sacrifice. Good is self-love (you do something because you like it, not as a reward and this thing does not interfere with your personal comfort). The victim is a hidden selfishness (you violate your personal comfort, you do something that is unpleasant to you, expecting someone day and the other to violate his comfort for you and do unpleasant things for him in your favor). When a person does not love himself and does not know how to make himself happy, it is much easier to sacrifice for the benefit of others, expecting in return that they sacrifice for him and make him happy (to know how). Well, if you don't know how and don't show it, it can't happen. I give an example with my relative. She compliments me on new sneakers, I say that my husband gave them to me, and she complains that hers will never think of and take time for such a thing, even though she works, cleans, cooks from morning till night. , washes and invests all his money in the household. And I ask her "when do you go running?" she replies that she has no time or running shoes. Somehow, however, her husband has to guess that she has such a desire because she does so much for him. Will it happen? Well, if you need peace of mind, but you don't give it to yourself, you stay patient in the toxic environment, waiting for someone to remember that you can barely breathe. Will it happen? If you really need that peace of mind, leave and go to a quiet place. You don't wait, you don't want someone else. Only then can this other person have a "bray, now she is nice company, she smiles at me, she is gentle. I will support her in this, I will surprise her with a running team, the better it is at home when she is happy. "Believe me, no one wants the person next to him to Everyone feels this as a personal defeat, as “I am not capable of bestowing happiness.” However, the trap is that happiness is inside, not outside.No one can make a happy person happy, but he can make a happy person happy. Stop waiting, stop saying what you don't like, show it. You want a normal environment for the child, you take him from there, you stick to your principles, you set the limit "You want us to be a family, go to therapy. If not, stay crazy, but away from us. " what it could be, what things you would have saved if you had loved yourself and put yourself first with your girlfriend. If he had told her "I'm not happy to just be friends, I want more, I love you as a woman and I won't sacrifice myself to have you as a friend, I deserve to be loved, I don't have a bit of a good attitude." I advise you to download the book "Poisonous Parents" to work on realizing your childhood trauma, which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros what it could be, what things you would have saved if you had loved yourself and put yourself first with your girlfriend. If he had told her "I'm not happy to just be friends, I want more, I love you as a woman and I won't sacrifice myself to have you as a friend, I deserve to be loved, I don't have a bit of a good attitude." I advise you to download the book "Poisonous Parents" to work on realizing your childhood trauma, which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros if he had loved himself and put himself first with his girlfriend. If he had told her "I'm not happy to just be friends, I want more, I love you as a woman and I won't sacrifice myself to have you as a friend, I deserve to be loved, I don't have a bit of a good attitude." I advise you to download the book "Poisonous Parents" to work on realizing your childhood trauma, which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros if he had loved himself and put himself first with his girlfriend. If he had told her "I'm not happy to just be friends, I want more, I love you as a woman and I won't sacrifice myself to have you as a friend, I deserve to be loved, I don't have a bit of a good attitude." I advise you to download the book "Poisonous Parents" to work on realizing your childhood trauma, which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros which makes you become emotionally dependent on the love of others and develop love for yourself. And it will be useful for your child. Also read what an emotionally unstable person is, or in the spectrum of antisocial personality disorders (your wife) and what is emotionally dependent / codependent (you). Ros
Crazy, he was my favorite in the beginning with his funny torments, but you know that tragedy is a comedy without development, which is obviously yours. Your psychoses are a little boring at this stage. Brother.
1 to 3 You're funny. I know your style very well, and you have written so much on this site, with and without nicknames, nicknames, signatures, nicknames (whatever you want, call it that) that no one can mistake you. You deny yourself as much as you want.
Obviously, not only am I convinced that you are the Crazy One, but I do not understand what the problem is that you deny so much. Otherwise on the topic - I think you have serious emotional problems. I don't blame you, I don't judge you, I just state. Obviously you have a gap in upbringing, which is not your fault, but it is a fact. After all, everyone has an emotional problem.
You're a psychiatrist, but pills probably won't help. You have been living in some dramas for 20 years, mostly made up by you. It's all your own fault. Write a book like Demons. I do not recommend new relationships, even just for sex. Madness is contagious. You are permanently emotionally broken, I don't know if it's treatable. Do you drink?
It became clear to us what kind of person you are. While your wife is taking care of your sick child, you are looking for lovers on the sites. Disgust.
Number 5 What he wrote to me is the most accurate and real thing I have to do with my life. It is also possible to be a psychologist. I listened to you. I did as you recommended and the effect was shocking! Thank you with all my soul! Regarding vaccines, this cannot be proven by documents and tests. If an expertise is issued, there will be thousands of lawsuits filed. Two doctors told me in my ear. Unofficially. Three other children in my child's same group behave in the same way. All are referred to different specialists and only one is diagnosed with autism. The others behave in the same way and the diagnosis is a generalized brain disorder. As with our child, it was with theirs. We talked to their parents, and that's exactly what they shared. They started pronouncing words intelligibly about 2 years ago, and until the vaccine they were concentrated and you could get their attention. And we all unanimously agreed that after the vaccine (the last dose) the attitude and speech changed dramatically. No one will admit that he deliberately destroys children! I'm not a doctor. I don't know what the consequence would be if it wasn't done. I have heard that there are parents who do not get a single vaccine. But there will be consequences in his admission to kindergarten, the children will stop them and there were more things. If I knew that it would stop its development from this reception, I would not allow it! If they want to not allow it at school! Now there is another / 6 years old. I don't know anything about her. Consult more doctors. You are a smart person and you will understand what to do. Thanks also to everyone who put a label on me. I don't feel offended, but don't waste your time likening me to someone. I wish you all to be happy and that not even one percent of my crap happens to you. The author