Hello, I want to share. I am 25 and I am married, in a few days I am expecting my first child. My story is like a lot at my age. My parents left me with my grandparents to look after me and went abroad. I have never had a strong relationship with my mother, but never. I have always seen her at most once a year and on the phone once a week. There was a period when we didn't hear from each other for two years, she just didn't want a relationship with me. At one point I was no longer the 5 year old girl they left to my grandparents. She started helping me financially. A year ago my husband and I moved to live in the country where she is, but over time she started calling me 10 times a day, angry that I didn't call her when I went to bed, and so on. She tries to be my best friend and sometimes she keeps track of a lot of things. It's my fault that I accept her financial aid and I'm sorry, but at times we can barely cope and that's why I allow myself to accept. I've never been so close to her, she doesn't know anything about me, she doesn't know if I have allergies, what I like to eat, etc. And when I needed a mother, she wasn't with me, she was just promising. I'm used to without her love and support and now I get more of all this, conversations, mean, keeping track. Please advise me how to tell her that I want not to feel pressured and in connection with her. My husband and I talk less often, and if there is anything, I don't bother him while he's at work, while she calls me in half an hour and comes to me more. There is not much to change in half an hour. I know it sounds nasty, but I just feel pressured and very much and I ask you for advice on how to deal with it without offending her. Please no attacks, I need moral help. Thanks in advance.
Answers 10
I know what it's like to be raised by grandparents. Only people like us would know about this problem. Expect attacks, but don't pay attention, they had parents next to them. I will also not be ok with this situation .... Talk to the woman, she could understand you Good luck!
Stop accepting financial aid, tell her that you are not ok to interfere like that and call you 100 times a day, if she does not comply - you do not raise a point for her. You don't have to put up with her to "get angry." You know how you want to manage your personal time and who you want to talk to. She did not feel obliged to take care of you, although she is obliged by law, you will feel obliged to please her in her old age. She'll probably expect you to change her diaper, huh? And not on the topic - you have no money, but you get married and have children that you can't afford. What kind of logic? You can't swallow mom's money and then get mad at her for interfering. The first freedom is financial. Then comes everything else. In an ideal world, parents love and help for free, but most are selfish and self-centered. If you take money or a house from your parents, this is waiting for you.
This is a good topic from which many people can learn that children are not puppies and are not devoted to their parents all their lives. At one point, the children separate and live their lives. Appreciate your children when they are young, because then life grabs them and they are not forever free, as always. I also have a little story about this, but maybe I'll share it below.
I will not comment on the fate of both of you until now. Think about the reason why she calls you all the time - maybe she is going through a difficult period, or she has decided that being pregnant, you need to constantly hang like a hen on your head. Probably not having anything to do with you for many years, he doesn't know what the measure is in communicating with you. Once you understand the reason, direct your efforts in the given direction. If there are difficulties, support her, if not as a daughter, at least as a woman. If she has decided that you need such care, talk about the burden. Don't keep quiet and push her away or scold her or scold her. But stand up for your privacy. The important thing is to find the balance. Somewhere I understand you - I was also thrown to the grandmothers in the village, my parents were divorced. This has affected my whole life. I don't blame my mother, she's 83 now,
Set boundaries of relationships. Let your husband learn a language to do a decent job to cope financially. You may also be entitled to no. hours of work. And I'm abroad for maternity is up to 20 hours a month. Be independent! This is the solution.
To number 2 !! I prayed without attack! We paid for the wedding with our saved money, earned with sweat on our foreheads! I said that sometimes it helps us and that's since we moved abroad with her, she doesn't give us thousands, I talk about some short money when we need it, I can still say that we are new in the country and no one will help without help lives ok somewhere where it starts clean! My problem is another, but you obviously don't read, you obviously know what it's like for your parents to be with you, most likely you are an uncle who lives with his mother and chooses complexes on these anonymous sites.
Friendly advice: NEVER try to fill your parents' emotional holes! Now you have your family, your worries and responsibilities. A man owes NOTHING to his parents - he owes it to his children. This is how the world is structured, this is how the chain of life continues. And you to your parents - even less to owe them something ... rather to your grandparents (if they are alive).
I think you should give her a chance. After all, she's your mother. She may love you very much and have had to work abroad even now that she is nearby to want you next to her
Author, she gives it to keep you by her side. If you stop taking it, she will get angry. Tell her in plain text exactly what you told us. What will change if you tell her how you feel? Will she get angry with you and become less of a mother to you? Could it be worse than that? Whatever it was, after you fed her, forgive her. This will establish a distance. Apparently he is a person who is easily attached or is already old and is afraid of not being alone. In both cases, you remain a mother. Mothers are forgiven, nothing else can be done. That's how they taught me.
Until you reach adulthood (or come on - until the age of 21, by American standards) you are a mother and daughter, then - or you remain friends, or everyone goes their own way! What is this "mother" of a 25-year-old ?! Don't get me wrong - not disrespecting her or anything, but what she's doing to you now is disgusting! Nothing but NOTHING in this world can change the time when she was NOT with you, but SHOULD! It has time for everything - your house can't be set on fire and you can go out in 5 years, don't you understand me? Don't be attached to her nonsense, but at all! Watch your NEW, YOUR family and do not look back. She is no longer your MOTHER (in the sense - as a role in your life).