I want to find myself. To understand the mechanisms that I allowed to be controlled. It's all in me. I'm not looking for faults outside. There are no culprits. There is a kind of confluence of circumstances that shape my personality. Who or what am I? Some monster, a small child, a self-pitying loser, a selfish to the core of his soul or just a coward and what not. Yes, it's all me, at least the prominent parts of me. The masks I put on, choosing them carefully according to the situations in which I put myself. I think about the people who are also in this situation. The truth is, I realized I was different. I don't want to be the center of attention, I don't want to stand out in front of others. I want to live as I do now. To be good to myself and not to feed on the attention of others or what I have achieved in relation to others. I do not want to point out what I have achieved or what I have done in this confused world. I want to be myself, to stay clean, to be well-meaning and positive. I offered the frowning and heavy face only to those who deserved it. I offer coolness and positive people freshness, smiles and a lot of nice things. Unfortunately, they melted and I wonder where. There are them, but there are others. They are those with frowning and heavy faces, conquered and manipulated by their heavy ego. The lone wolf awoke in me and I decided to be more and more alone to give my spirit time to gather. I want to collect the scattered particles of myself that I had scattered and incorporated into so many foreign ideas. And who and where was I then? I was everywhere and nowhere, I didn't know who I was and where I was going. And now this moment of awareness, this reality that I feel so close.
Answers 2
Each of us has many selves that control our body and mind at a given time and that live our own "life." For example, one 'I' likes to eat a lot, another 'I' criticizes itself after the first 'I' has eaten a lot. A third 'I' turns on when someone makes us nervous, and a fourth 'I' turns on afterwards and tries to rationalize the behavior of the previous one, and so on ... At any moment, our attention is occupied by the 'I' program. The body and the brain are like a bus that changes its driver every few minutes. Most people live that way. There are some people who have achieved awareness and have created an integral 'I' - an observer and a mind in one. The first and obligatory step for the creation of such an 'I' is self-observation - the creation of a observing 'I', who is always present. I have no idea why I'm writing these things to you, most likely maybe because what you wrote reminded me a little of Gurdjieff's philosophy and so on ...
Author, sometimes I feel like you. I offer you something that is free and easy to find - look for materials related to personal development. read and finally realize that you are not confused, but on the right path. There is nothing more normal than behaving well with those who are good to you and bad with those who do not deserve your smile. At this stage you need only a little self-confidence, reading the text you think that you are smart and literate, and probably a positive person, all you have to do is gather your "I", as you say in all its greatness and live normally. You have a good expression and you know what you want from life, so you have no obstacles to live normally and well. Human opinion will always have it, the question is whether you will let it rule you or not.