I am a boy of 20 years now, but I have severe family problems with my mother. I have almost no good relations with my older sister. We are 15 years apart from her. I will explain to you why we have such a difference and where the problem is. I was not a planned child. The reason they made me was just to replace my deceased older brother. He died at the age of 21, and my sister was then 14. He died in a car accident. From day 1 of my birth, I have openly heard that if he were alive, I would not have been born. My grandparents cooked it for me many times while they were alive, because considering the age at which my brother died, it is clear that I am a jerk (my mother gave birth to me at the age of 45 and my father was 47). People wanted 2 children. But these constant comparisons with my brother, whom I don't even know, irritate me. They make me angry, they don't oppress me, but they make me angry. He was their favorite son, the firstborn child, they gave birth to him young, they had energy, etc., I understand all this, but sometimes they do not feel and overdo it. They idealize it, in front of me, but the realities are different. I had a cruel scandal with ours, I moved out because I was tired of them. My sister is big, my mother is a long time ago, she has a career, a husband, she lives in another city, I have never had any, but really no contact with her except for family gatherings. I peed her pants when she was a prom girl, I remember coming home from university on Saturdays. When I started 1st grade, she got married, gave birth to her first child, etc., we just aren't like brother and sister, we didn't support each other, because there's just no way.
So I quarreled with ours. They keep muttering to me, your brother, your brother. I'm tired, and I said - I don't have a brother, my brother has died and it's time to accept him. Comparisons started again ... and that was it. The curtain fell. I don't want to talk about a dead man, but let me at least confess to you. He died in an accident, yes, but he wiped out two more people with him! He also drove drunk! I told them that if he had come to life, his most likely place would have been in prison. There is no basis for comparison between me and him. He was of medium height, I am bigger and taller. I study and work and sit next to ours because they are old people now, I don't hire my sister at all! My brother was a neighborhood lightweight, I am a cultured and considerate person. My brother was unreasonable, constantly abusing alcohol, I do not lick. I don't deserve this treatment. Has anyone lived such a life? This is not life to tell you, at least not at home. A man who died 21 years ago resounds his name every day in our country, the photos adorn the shelves, there are portraits. I'm not a psychiatrist, but this is already madness. I am 5 times better than this unknown brother of mine, whom I have never seen, but as if he is my companion! I have already started living with the thought that there is such a person in our house, because he is talked about every day as if he were alive! At the age of 67 and 65, instead of looking after their grandchildren, they simply cannot live in another cell. They are at the cemetery like clockwork, they even celebrate his birthday.
Answers 10
I sincerely sympathize with you. Their pain is great, they have lost their first child and yet I do not protect them at all. The way they treat you is ugly, to compare your children, even less with your deceased child and to tease him that he is "for replacement" is like complete nonsense !! In your place, I would draw one for them, even though they are parents. You do not deserve such treatment from your mother and father !! One day they will bitterly regret treating you that way.
Complicated situation. You are right to be annoyed that you are constantly being compared to someone you don't even know. Your parents are also right about themselves and will hardly ever stop celebrating a birthday and going to the grave of their dead son. The first-born child is special for each parent. I also have 14 differences with my half-brother and probably for the same reason we couldn't get very close. My parents got together late, my mother was a widow and my father was divorced. They didn't understand each other from the beginning, but they decided to have a child together to strengthen their marriage. Another issue is that it didn't help. People often make children out of selfish motives, thinking more of themselves than of their future children. However, you are already 20 and you are not a boy, but a young man who has to move out and start to manage on his own in life. Let your parents grieve in their own way and support them as much as you can, because it is not easy to live with such grief. I advise you to find a way to your sister and get closer until it's too late. Take an interest in her life and family, call her and she will open up to you.
I feel for you. Unfortunately, however, apparently your parents have not been able to overcome the loss and apparently will never succeed. However, they are not so bad when they have brought you up so well.
It is very ugly to know that you are someone's substitute and in the eyes of your parents you will never be the only one and irreplaceable, but you will be a pale copy of your brother :-( author, if you have the opportunity, go to another city to study / work otherwise you will never feel in your place.Whatever you do, in the eyes of your parents you will always be number 2 or 3 :-( All your life in your own hands and live for yourself
Not having experienced such an incident for 20 years is already a replay. Even if they really haven't experienced it, it's their problem. You don't have to "support" them in this, because "that's what they did." You are not their parent, they are not small children. You don't even have to sit next to them because they are adults. You have the right to live where you want, as you want and with whomever you want, regardless of whether you will be close, so that they get used to you when they want. There is no more disgusting motive for having children than "having someone to look after you in your old age." If we were obliged to be glued to the ass of our parents, the villages would not be depopulated now and Sofia would be crowded. The way they treat you is disgusting and utterly unacceptable. They are toxic, they crush you, they hurt your self-esteem, comparing you to a drunk driver and a killer! That's ridiculous! Lower and manipulative people! My advice to you is to forget all this insinuation on their part, to stop comparing yourself to him (this is what they put in your head), to move out, to find a job and a girlfriend, to focus on that , which makes you happy and to see them as your sister - at family events 2-3 times a year. If the dramas continue even then, you break contact and that's it. Number 3 quickly transcribed to them that they raised you so well lol. How did they do it? With daily comparisons to a drunken killer? It's funny to me when someone from a toxic family comes up with a miracle, and they attribute it to themselves. Apart from low self-esteem and feelings of inferiority, I don't know if they raised you. There is no point in dealing with your sister either. In my opinion, she has long since figured out what kind of goods they are and that's why she left and comes only for family events. Do as she did.
Hello, I sincerely sympathize with you. But try to understand your parents, after all, they have watched it for 21 years. And he died, And as for being drunk, etc. For the mother and father, it does not matter, he will remain their 21 years. kid. Do not be angry with them, but be their support, be their support, Celebrate his birthday with them, go with them to the cemetery, be humble and patient. And may God protect you from such misfortune, But try to be in their place, for example, you have a 21-year-old son. You look at him, you raise him, and as he collapses and dies, You would not go to his grave, you would not celebrate his birthdays. Don't feel superfluous so that they created you, so you are not superfluous. The hardest thing is to lose your child. Be kinder to them, don't be jealous that they keep talking about your brother.
No, it's not normal - for them this is an absolutely idealized person because he is dead. That's it. You have all the conditions to be damaged, but they failed. My advice is to tell them what you have to tell them on this issue - briefly and clearly and not to raise the issue again. The best option is to live separately. If you think it would be useful for you, do a few sessions with a psychologist. The most important thing is to get out of there if you live with them. At any price. Success!
This is an unprocessed trauma that will never be processed, not in the right way. All you can do is let them take care of themselves. And don't think it's selfish, you've been patient enough, you know what that can do to you personally. One day, when you find a girlfriend, you have the feeling that you are not good enough, that you do not deserve love because you do not have self-confidence. This is all on a subconscious level, and the more you sit in this toxic environment, the more you add "salt to the wound." You can turn it internally into a race, not be considered "sufficient" and always try to prove yourself, but it will always fail in your head. My parents always compared me to my brother, he was always "smart", "successful", etc., nothing, that his successes could not step on half of mine, I was always the second child and "shook", even though they wanted me, they told me that nothing happens to me and to see my brother. I've been the same all my life in relationships. Forever "sole". I was wondering how they would like me, there must be someone better, because that was imputed to me. Get out as soon as possible and seek help from a therapist, even if you just express your anger.
Author, I understand your problem, because my relatives were in a similar situation ... There is no solution that is good for everyone, you know ... I would advise you two things - the first is to stop defining yourself as a boy - at 20 your age, it's male age. The boys are up to 17-18, once you answer through the law, you are a mature person. And as such, you have one simple move - to sit down one day and talk to your parents - normally, without emotion, you talk, they listen. From now on I tell you that there will be no result, but it will be good for you to tell them in your eyes what weighs on you. The next step is to take your life, and if that means separating - do it! I support the one above who advised you to look for a way to your sister. Maybe it's good to share these thoughts with her, she is also their child and can give you good advice. I do not think, that it would be good in this conversation to focus on your deceased brother in general. He - the conversation should be about you and your relationship and how bad you feel from the fact that they in their grief have idealized him and ignored you ...
Be strong, good and love with all your heart! The pain of a lost child is unimaginable! Unfortunately, there is no way to understand and feel, and God forbid you never understand. It is a pain that never goes away, a wound that never heals. You are unique and unique even if they try to compare you ... it is impossible. Because you are unique in yourself. Everyone is like that. Be kind, grateful and custom!