Our history in short - we have been together for almost 5 years. We are not married, but we live together. We love each other a lot and that hasn't changed in these 5 years. I have an unsuccessful marriage and two older children, he separated from the woman he lived with for about 7-8 years and has a daughter (currently 9) a year before we met. Ever since we've been together, he's always taken care of his child - he sends money, he calls every day, even several times. His ex lives alone with the child and, as far as I know, has no boyfriend. At the beginning of our relationship, he had problems with her. She didn't give him the child, she called him to ask for more and more money, insulted him, called him rubbish and what not ... which I had witnessed many times. It was a great drama to find out that he has a new wife in his life (me) ... over time he seemed to accept it and things settled down. He started sending the child, which I have accepted as my own and I have a very good relationship with the little one. In the beginning, after each of her visits (we live in different cities), she always found something to pick on and raise a scandal on the phone - why I had washed her clothes, why he had uploaded a photo on Facebook of the three of us .... She had no contact with me, she only communicated with him. Over time, things calmed down, she even began to personally take the child to us for the holidays. We met, she even called me while our little one was visiting. It got to the point that he started inviting us both as guests - for the child's birthday, even for Easter. Honestly, I went there, but I didn't feel very comfortable ... I did it only because of the child, because he was the happiest. What impressed me? His ex did not fail to emphasize in my presence how she almost made him a man (she is a few years older than him), and he seems at times to feel some respect from her. There have been cases where he has discussed personal issues with her and she has sought solutions for him. However, there has been a sharp change in her behavior for several months. She started posting pictures of him on the Facebook wall, accompanied by comments that those who are unaware of will think they are together. In conversations, she speaks of him as "her husband." I discussed these things with him, he said that he did not care what she did and that the chance of having something between them again was ruled out. And yet a nasty feeling has taken root in me ... I don't know if it's jealousy or fear ... but in any case I need to hear your advice and points of view ....
Answers 13
Put a limit on meetings, conversations, photos, Facebook ... Their relationship is only the child, nothing else. He doesn't need to be especially friendly with you, much less upload photos. A child is a child, but that is not a reason to be together on holidays. You create unnecessary intimacy yourself and then why you have problems. Not to mention how he knows everything about you on Facebook. Who knows what's in her head, don't think you're happy looking at you both happy somewhere.
Author, when I read your story, I thought that I wrote it, but I forgot. The only difference is that I have no children since my first marriage, and my husband's daughter is 14 years old. Everything else fits perfectly to the last detail. I understand your feeling of insecurity, but I doubt it is justified. Everyone can think and talk about everything. The fact that the lady wants to look from the side as if they are still a couple with your husband is her job, it doesn't concern you. The following happened to us. With me, my husband rethought his life altogether. He changed jobs, believed in his abilities, began to pay more attention to his appearance, was filled with self-confidence, earned much more. And at one point, his ex-wife slapped her forehead and realized what she had actually missed, when in fact she had crushed him mentally. My move was to get closer to her. You know the saying: "Keep your friends close and your enemies even closer." I began to render her small favors, to greet her kindly, to invite her to our country for coffee. She had to get to know me to understand that there is no chance - I am much better educated, with many more opportunities, my standard is higher, I look better. I knew from my husband in what hut he lived with her and I really wanted him to see my home. In short, I let the facts speak for themselves. I treat her responsively and kindly all the time. But I don't forget to mention some of my professional successes or how I surprised my husband with a new car for his birthday. On the other hand, I try to get her to come at times when my husband will be home at some point. The goal is to see the relationship between us and she sees it - a kiss from the door, "sorry, He probably just doesn't want to deepen the communication with her, which seems like a show of respect to you. My husband's face changes when he sees her. But I know why: he doesn't even want to remember the years he wasted in the wind with a stupid, unfaithful and greedy woman. Yes, and "ours" screamed why I made presents for the little one, but since I found out what her secret fears are - namely, not to be left without support, I stopped paying attention to her.
I wouldn't be surprised if he plays a double game and tries to come back to accept it. Apparently he still controls it in some way. Men once fall in love with a woman, just to whistle to them and return to her.
To number 1. I asked him exactly that, but he reacted a little stunned. How could it even cross my mind that there could be something between him and her again ... and so on. But it really limited communication. At least in my presence. It even got to the point that yesterday he called to hear the child, but she picked it up and began to occupy it long and wide. However, I was in the room and he started to get nervous, told her that he was not interested in the things he was saying and that he wanted to hear his daughter. She shouted at him, he hung up and a second later received a text message with the text "Garbage". This obviously made him even angrier, because he told me that we had both clarified. To which I replied that it was neither my job nor that I intended to deal with his exes. I said that I did not want to deal with this topic anymore and asked him to put his personal life in order. He paused and after a while came, hugged me and kissed me. I have already blocked it everywhere, there is no access to my account, I also blocked it in Viber. I want to calm down and live my life ... But it's hard. I don't want to put too much pressure on him because I suspect what the outcome might be.
To 2. In our case, things are different. She and the child live in their own home, her father is a businessman and has money. He and I are rented, working and coping for now, but we always do the math. The other thing I didn't share - apparently in the beginning their love was very stormy. Then the baby was born and as happens in many families, the mother focuses entirely on the child. It takes the place of the father in the bedroom, and he is seconded for a long time on the sofa in the living room. Some temporary financial difficulties are added ... accumulated tension and once under the influence of alcohol and the assertive "kaka" he cheated on her and she understood. After some time of scandals and misunderstandings, she asked him to leave and he did. That is, he did not leave the family of his own free will. But at one time we used a shared laptop and I came across old photos - he made her romantic surprises, candles, hearts ... he wrote her various love explanations on the wall on Facebook. All the things he didn't do to me, for example. But honestly, I only recently started to think. On the other hand, he has repeatedly shown me his love in other ways, not so ostentatious. But I realize that because of the child, she will always be around in some way. And I don't know what my strategy is. Because I love him, I am emotional and what is in my heart is in my mouth ... not so showy. But I realize that because of the child, she will always be around in some way. And I don't know what my strategy is. Because I love him, I am emotional and what is in my heart is in my mouth ... not so showy. But I realize that because of the child, she will always be around in some way. And I don't know what my strategy is. Because I love him, I am emotional and what is in my heart is in my mouth ...
To number 3. Some time ago I experienced something nasty, which is the reason I know that there are no impossible things. And that you should never think you know someone well. So ... what can I tell you. I don't want to think about it, but if someone decided to do something ... how could I stop it. The only thing that can stop him is love for me. I try to stay calm and decide what my strategy is for her.
N. 2 Very high self-esteem, I'm even sure that the Queen of Sweden does not allow herself so much praise ... not to fall from a height - I'm just saying. M37
The problem is that some women are like an evil bitch tied to a pear - she herself cannot eat the pear, but she does not give it to others! That's it. There are people who appreciate what they had when they lost it. If your husband is happy with you, she will have a hard time with him, but if he gives her any reasons ... then you have a problem.
So, number 7, a woman, in order to be complete, must have the self-confidence of the Swedish queen. To be aware of his possibilities. There is nothing wrong with this. The topic here suggests that together we should try to help the author in her problem. I advise her to bet on the strength of her own personality. I shared my strategy. Our "lady" comes to us like a dear friend. I lent her a dress for a party with former classmates. Last night he came to give it back to me and we had dinner together. When my husband came home and saw her, his face changed again, but he knows the rules: this man is our guest and kindness to him and nothing else. She can't say a bad word about me. I just don't leave her a useful move (whoever plays chess will understand me). My husband even marvels at this tolerance, but I know why I do it. I do it, to have control over the situation. Their daughter is happy - she sees that the adults understand each other perfectly and there are no worries. From now on, it is the adults who stick to their position on her education and upbringing. I never allow anything to the little girl without asking her father and mother. I think we have achieved balance and there is no drama. The only bad thing is that my husband really can't stand his ex-wife. If I leave them alone for five minutes, I have the feeling that they will kill each other. There is some organic intolerance between these people. I know very well that she wants it back. But he would rather explode than go home to her. Why? Well, it's simple - I give him more. If I start making tragedies, grumbling, getting complex, jealous of him, making movies ... I just lose him, I don't want to because I love him.
Number 9, thanks! I will do so.
I haven't read all the comments, but I will try to give advice. My mother had the same problems with my father's ex-wife, I have a half-sister. It was because of my ex that my sister and I didn't grow up together. I remember her calling her mother on the phone and threatening her at no time that he would beat her, that he would cast spells on her and all sorts of such nonsense. He persecuted my father, of course, but the main goal was for my sister not to lose touch with her father. What did the mother do - he just told her that she would not do anything more and would file a complaint. After that, she always treated her well, I would even say in a friendly way, the ex apologized after many years and did not fight. The sister recently got married, of course we were all at the wedding. This woman does not miss a chance to fall in love with my father, to talk about past things, about sweet memories and so on ... supposedly hope dies last. Mother, on the other hand, is already pulling away and watching him pull with a smile on her face. I know that "keep friends close, enemies even closer" is a universal approach in general, but I don't think that if you are too impudent, a sharp action will be unnecessary. Of course, there is no need to complain and the police, but sooner or later you need to understand that there is no place in your relationship. Some people understand it the hard way.
There is something else. His ex lives with the child in another city, more than 400 km away. The little one visits us every vacation, but my husband sometimes misses her very much and if he goes to see her, you remember that this cannot happen in a day. Until now, when he never slept there, I didn't have any worries ... but after the change in the woman's behavior, I don't know what to think anymore. He tells me that it was absurd to go back to her, but I am a woman and I know very well how if I want someone how easily I can put him to bed .. Honestly, I do not like this insecurity that I am beginning to feel. And it's as if I don't have a useful move.
Oh, n 2/9, you're annoying ... Very good, it's not good to know from me! I would never, never lose so much strength, time and patience because of someone there, an ex ... A man curls up on his finger that he will return to his ex / will cheat / will lie ..., you and on the front stand to stand by him, all this! The men who didn't want me left ... but those who really cared about me were adamant in their decision, that's it!