For many reasons, my divorce has been dragging on for a year. During this time I take care of my children, a boy of 14 and a girl of 16, almost alone. I am at work almost all week and I don't have much time left for them. My husband does a lot of nonsense in front of the children in order to hate me, as he puts it. He constantly insults me, threatens me, etc. The children are confused and obviously want more. Thus, towards the end of last year, it was established that the boy hardly went to school. He shuts himself in, forever at the games in front of the computer and doesn't want to talk about it. He promised to go, followed by a bunch of conversations with a classmate, school psychologists, the principal, prohibitions, punishments, and whatever we could think of but didn't. He finished the year with exams. Now in the summer he started to be late with the explanation that it was still light at 9 pm and he was returning home at around 10.30 pm. He got together with arrogant and impudent friends and started trying to set conditions for me and to be arbitrary. Again a bunch of conversations and punishments followed and the effect is temporary. His father wanted us to separate them and for him to get rights for one, but not for him to look after him and his parents so that there would be someone to exercise control and study. He started accusing me that because of me the children would fail and continued with the insults. I did not agree, but at one point I began to think, seeing that I could not handle the situation. His parents are conscious people and will do everything possible for the children. Two days ago, the little one did another stupid thing. He went out in the middle of the night and, despite my ringing, when I felt it, he turned off his phone and did not return until morning. I know they're going to play games with a friend, but I was very worried. In the morning I decided to send it to my husband's parents, because I obviously can't do it, and I don't want the child to fail. I want to clarify that this issue has been discussed with the child all summer, so he knew that there was such an option. It depended on him, more precisely on his behavior, where he would be. Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that this is the best decision at the moment, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same tricks there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? because I obviously can't do it, and I don't want the child to fail. I want to clarify that this issue has been discussed with the child all summer, so he knew that there was such an option. It depended on him, more precisely on his behavior, where he would be. Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that at the moment this is the best decision, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same tricks there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? because I obviously can't do it, and I don't want the child to fail. I want to clarify that this issue has been discussed with the child all summer, so he knew that there was such an option. It depended on him, more precisely on his behavior, where he would be. Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that at the moment this is the best decision, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same numbers there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? I want to clarify that this issue has been discussed with the child all summer, so he knew that there was such an option. It depended on him, more precisely on his behavior, where he would be. Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that at the moment this is the best decision, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same numbers there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? I want to clarify that this issue has been discussed with the child all summer, so he knew that there was such an option. It depended on him, more precisely on his behavior, where he would be. Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that this is the best decision at the moment, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same tricks there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that this is the best decision at the moment, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same tricks there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? Today we told him / because his father is here / about our decision and although I know that at the moment this is the best decision, it is very difficult for me. I don't know if he will adapt there. He goes to a smaller town but to a better school. I'm worried. His father won't be there because he lives and works in another city. I don't know if he won't start doing the same numbers there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? I don't know if he won't start doing the same numbers there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience? I don't know if he won't start doing the same tricks there. Now the only thing I will fight for is the rights to remain with me and if something fails to get it back to me. Am I doing the right thing? Is there anyone else with a similar problem to share their experience?
Answers 4
I have no such experience. Quite an incompetent opinion - punishment is not a good educational measure to deal with a teenager. I think we all have the teenager's experience, though ... The genuine concern, if the boy can feel it in some way, might help him more. Show him how much you love him in some way - it will not fail. Even if you can get closer to him from afar ... with something. Otherwise, even if you have parental rights, you may lose your son (as a person).
From the author - I realized all this and at the moment I am trying to rebuild the lost contact. It is difficult given that I work a lot and when I come home I try to go to bed but I will find time because my children are more important to me. Transferring turns out to be a mission almost impossible and can stay with me for a long time. We are already hugging in the evening and kissing goodnight. I am very happy about that. I hope that everything will have a good end and that I will have the strength to fight and not let the children get out of control.
I don't think divorce is such a bad decision. My parents didn't divorce at the time for a number of reasons, my sister and I suffered a lot, it would have been better to separate than to strain each other's nerves. So it's not your fault that you're breaking up with your husband, a relationship is over and that's it. I'd keep the boy with me anyway. He is either with his father or with his mother. Being with grandparents is a pledge of more personal freedom and he feels it and manipulates you, to send it to the adults to play with his horse. And if his father remarries, shouldn't he think that they will look at him like a painted egg ?! Press your rags and fight as hard as you can for your children. Good luck.
Here is a useful site with a nice article on how you can support your teenager to accept the divorce and help him cope with the situation, which is undoubtedly stressful for him: Don't forget the girl, she may also need your support, even if she didn't cause you any problems.