I want to share what is happening to my husband's brother and how to react. He is 38 years old and has never worked before, he receives money from his parents every month, and nothing ended, even though he spent a lot of money studying. This is my husband's mother's second marriage. She never supported my husband, even for a month during her studies, she only paid his first-year fee and up there. It was very difficult for us, but we managed, finished and went abroad. My husband never felt close to his mother, and they had a distant relationship with his stepfather. In fact, he even treated him badly. No father was born. One day his stepfather called and, roaring on the phone, asked him to do something for his brother and take him with us abroad. We found him a home, his mother came earlier to clean up, he cooked and his brother came to a ready-made apartment just to put on his slippers. His mother left and we started looking for a job for him, he is not good with his tongue, he did not pick up the phone and so it took more than a year. Sometimes he didn't answer our calls for days. I didn't enroll in a course because it cost money, but 7 E for a pack of cigarettes is ok. He came with the first level, and the arrangement was to be at least with the third. They sent him money and covered all his expenses. I interviewed him, but he seemed uninterested. Eventually we found him a job and he started. We talked to him about how he thinks he can go on with his life, he doesn't want a wife, children, he doesn't have any friends and he doesn't want to have one.
He goes to work, eats, sleeps, plays games and so on. I told him, ok, this is your choice, but you have to take responsibility for wanting to be alone. There are many insurances here that would cover the costs, if one day something happens to him, if he needs care, etc. He told me that he has no money and does not want to pay insurance. Given that he has never worked, supplementary pension insurance is also necessary. His parents continue to ask him for money now. I did not refrain and told him that while theirs send him money every month and support him, solve all problems, come to his senses, we have gone through such difficulties that he can not even imagine that there is, to wonder tomorrow how you will pay fees, bills and that you have no one to rely on. We only want one day to take responsibility for his choice to be alone and for his old age, but he is used to getting everything ready. Until the moment we went out, he hadn't thought of paying the bill once, or at least what he had ordered. Does not evaluate the chance to go abroad and have someone clear the way for you and have someone to rely on. I also feel how his mother protects him, I feel her grief, why his husband now has an education, a job, a family, children and he is not poor.
She stayed at home, during that time we paid for everything, shopping, spending time, while at the same time they supported his brother and there were thousands of them. He brought our children socks, a blouse and such things as a gift, which, provided they come once a year, is even offensive. And they definitely have money. My husband is indifferent, as if he has suffered, he even says that he is not interested and does not want anything from them. And he managed without them. She is a native mother, and with such an attitude towards her children. One lazy without any life experience, a lifelong dondurkan, the other crushed by life, by problems, by struggle, but became a worthy man. Maybe we were wrong, as we screwed it all up for him. I was very direct with him, I even finally apologized to him for raising my voice, but I don't want to one day carry his problems just because he doesn't want to take on the responsibility of having a family and taking care of someone. Mom and Dad will take money out in time, but then there is no one to pay. If they are not theirs, he will still not be able to cover his expenses. The apartment is large and may have a roommate, but he wants to be alone, so he was used to not being worried, his mother explains. Yes, but she will share the costs with someone, she will help me while we are alive, she says. I tried to explain to her that this is a way to integrate, to plan expenses and to contact people. But she doesn't understand. I know that tomorrow, if there is a problem, he will call us, there is no one else. Now he is angry with me and looks at me askance. But I don't feel guilty, on the contrary, it was even easier for me to tell him directly in his eyes that he was getting everything ready. I don't want to see him anymore, even over coffee and pay his bills. My husband's stepfather already treats us with great respect. The last time he told me, if we need something, it is always there to ask. I told him no. And he doesn't: You will. He has obviously realized and is realizing the situation. I even see more ready on his part than on his mother's. Tell me what to do with this man? He has a visibly unhealthy appearance, from hanging on to the computer in artificial light, unwilling to take responsibility, having no Jinne experience, he is cold and does not care that tomorrow someone should feel responsible for him. even for coffee and pay his bills.
My husband's stepfather already treats us with great respect. The last time he told me, if we need something, it is always there to ask. I told him no. And he doesn't: You will. He has obviously realized and is realizing the situation. I even see more ready on his part than on his mother's. Tell me what to do with this man? He has a visibly unhealthy appearance, from hanging on to the computer in artificial light, unwilling to take responsibility, having no Jinne experience, he is cold and does not care that tomorrow someone should feel responsible for him. even for coffee and pay his bills. My husband's stepfather already treats us with great respect. The last time he told me, if we need something, it is always there to ask. I told him no. And he doesn't: You will. He has obviously realized and is realizing the situation. I even see more ready on his part than on his mother's. Tell me what to do with this man? He has a visibly unhealthy appearance, from this hanging on the computer in artificial light, without the desire for responsibility, having no Jinne experience, he is cold and does not care that tomorrow someone should feel responsible for him. the situation. I even see more ready on his part than on his mother's. Tell me what to do with this man? He has a visibly unhealthy appearance, from this hanging on the computer in artificial light, without the desire for responsibility, having no Jinne experience, he is cold and does not care that tomorrow someone should feel responsible for him. the situation. I even see more ready on his part than on his mother's. Tell me what to do with this man? He has a visibly unhealthy appearance, from this hanging on the computer in artificial light, without the desire for responsibility, having no Jinne experience, he is cold and does not care that tomorrow someone should feel responsible for him.
Answers 14
Why are you his brother's wife interfering? Your mother-in-law likes to have "tamagotchi" she created, her brother-in-law likes to be "tamagotchi", what's your problem? You work and live abroad, you roar that you welcomed your mother-in-law as a guest at your expense, that you paid the bill at your brother-in-law's restaurant several times, and do you realize that your husband is so okay thanks to having a brother-in-law and your mother-in-law was busy with his thumping? A person becomes correct only if he experiences many difficulties, in your place a person should be grateful to fate that he will be lucky to be with a man for a lifetime, just because his mother was busy making a pot out of his brother. If you had spoiled both brothers 50/50 since they were little, would you have been happier? I don't think you have the right to interfere in your brother-in-law's life, Of course, you are not obliged to help him personally, but you have no right to stop your husband from taking him to a restaurant or to meet his mother, nor to interfere with the connection of your children with their grandmother. If you don't want to see him, don't go to the restaurant with them, it's easy. I also don't understand what your mother-in-law expected to bring from Bulgaria to your children, what she had to buy and move from Bulgaria to bring it abroad? I seriously ask I have a girlfriend who will visit her son and daughter-in-law abroad to see her grandchildren, so what does a Bulgarian daughter-in-law abroad expect from her mother-in-law? what did he have to buy and move from Bulgaria to bring it to you abroad? I seriously ask I have a girlfriend who will visit her son and daughter-in-law abroad to see her grandchildren, so what does a Bulgarian daughter-in-law abroad expect from her mother-in-law? what did he have to buy and move from Bulgaria to bring it to you abroad? I seriously ask I have a girlfriend who will visit her son and daughter-in-law abroad to see her grandchildren, so what does a Bulgarian daughter-in-law abroad expect from her mother-in-law?
So don't take offense, but it feels like you've accumulated a lot of resentment towards this man. And he is not guilty of anything. The person is depressed. This is a disease. Maybe his parents' upbringing contributed to it, maybe something else, probably a combination of a few things, but you have no right to spray a villain on his back like that. You could have denied this stepfather's request from the beginning, lying that you yourself were in difficulty and unable to help. Well, how can you want such a person to have a wife and CHILDREN? !? It is obvious that this person has a very severe depression, and this is a disease! And you, with all your impudence, want a woman to be doomed to spend her days with him AND EVEN TO GIVE HIM CHILDREN who are doomed to live in a negative environment with a sick father? If he is destined to die alone, he will die alone. So what. Many people die alone, even if they have families, and large families. You found him a job, go to work. Point. Do not go out with him for coffee or elsewhere. Don't deal with it anymore. Let him live as he can and as he wants. If he asks you for help, just lie to him that you yourself have a lot of problems and so on. And as long as you're angry that something will happen to you.
I am on your side in this situation, I will give you some practical tips for dealing with "mom's little, 38 year old kitten". 1. When you go out to a cafe or restaurant, you take the bill and tell him directly "You owe 5 E" and do not take your eyes off him until he feels uncomfortable. 2. You directly tell him that if he does not take out insurance and a second pension, you will not look at him if something happens to him. Be firm. Talk to the "mommy" and tell her it's in his best interest to stop sucking him and drooling. At this stage he is unlikely to get married, because hardly any woman would want to adopt him. Good luck!
I am the author: To 1 I do not stop my husband to go out or go out together or to meet his mother, but every time we pay his bills, is it normal? I don't want him to draw on us, but at least to pay his share. We welcomed his mother, more than well. At the checkout in the store, even when she wants to buy something for her other son, we still pay for it. She stayed for more than a month, entirely at our expense, carrying a few thousand euros to pay the first rent, guarantees and all the costs of it in general, to begin with. He doesn't remember to give anything to the children when they have a holiday, he sees them once a year and if he doesn't see them there is nothing and it's not about wearing who knows what, but to wear socks, t-shirts, tank tops, enough to bring something, provided that I still have money, the fact that for many years they sent almost 2,000 E every month and now they continue is indicative. This is not a grandmother with an income of BGN 200 per month and barely pays her bills. Of course, then even we have to separate and help, but we are talking about something completely different. At 2, I can't hit his wife, we're not in the third world. But being alone is a problem. If there is no proper insurance, the system throws it away and someone has to pay. He may be depressed, but when it is in his best interest, everything is ok, but when it comes to payment, he is not given a penny. When he dies alone, he leaves behind problems again. Alive, dead, if you leave home, someone has to pay 3 more rents, bills, the apartment is left free of luggage and repaired. The last time I took him to an institution, I paid for my parking, I bought water myself, and he paid for his coffee. Besides, where he goes to work, he can only drive and drive his colleague, it took me a long time to convince him, that if he is not his colleague, he loses his job and no one will compromise him. His colleague has 3 children and he did not give him 1 cent. Why give it to him, he also traveled to work. At the same time when we tell him about the car, he says that it is a big expense, a lot of money, insurance, did not want to pay. And so he doesn't have a car, he doesn't walk, he doesn't pay for public transport. So, with this person it is not a question of small bills, but of the habit of someone paying everything and he having no commitment to anything. To 3, thank you for your understanding. I have no benefit, I want him to take responsibility for himself, for his old age and for his choice. His contract expires soon, he is entitled to monetary compensation. Since I was dealing with paperwork and institutions at home, I told him what to do, I will not accompany him this time and I am here. The problem is, he doesn't want to hear because he knows
Author, I understand you very well. My sister is in a situation similar to your brother-in-law - at 30, she neither studies nor has ever worked. He lives with my mother. I understand your anger and malice towards your brother-in-law, but I think it is rather unfortunate. Their parents think they did a great service to your husband. He has learned to manage on his own in life, and his brother has lost these qualities from the beating. That is, your brother-in-law was a victim of his parents. Another thing I realized - we do not owe anything to anyone except our children. Man alone is responsible for his life. I told my sister - to solve her problems - to go to a psychologist, to look for a job. But I won't take care of her after our parents leave. Your brother-in-law can't lie on you if you don't let him. Yes, it's cruel, but that's life. You even do him a disservice by beating him up. He has to go through several crises on his own to cope. Or not to cope. In any case, you have nothing to do.
Children need to learn from an early age at work. They should not give him money. I have a cousin and she doesn't do anything, they give. There is no way to make them not give him money ..
Do not care. It's easy for him now, everyone takes care of him, but one day his mother will not be able to take care of her boy and then he will understand how difficult it really is. At 50, for example, he will have to face reality and understand many things. So don't worry, look after your life and family, and he will learn the hard way.
Thank you all. Thanks to N 5 for this sentence. Your brother-in-law can't lie on you if you don't let him. I hope that one day, the human in our country will not prevail and he will face reality. He was so brazen that after we had once again paid the full bill at the store and his mother put the drinks in his refrigerator, my husband asked for a glass of soft drink and his brother asked him what he was doing and why he was opening this bottle of car. At first, my husband didn't even realize what was happening. In fact, the car was just for him. Very bit of an example, but very revealing. We didn't fight, we just left. I sincerely regret that we did all this for him. Unfortunately, he does not realize it, appreciates it and understands it.
Talk to your husband not to pay his bills. However, if your husband wants to pay and it does not affect the family budget - let him pay. In general, I do not interfere much in these things in my opinion. Just tell your husband what you think, let him decide whether to take care of his brother. However, if this affects the family budget, you should ask for a rational explanation of why you should take this and that, provided that the person is healthy, upright and working. Otherwise, there is no way to change a 38-year-old man fundamentally, you have to rule it out as an opportunity. He can change on his own only if he experiences some particularly significant event, there is no other way.
ignore this eighty percent and live your life ...
Number 7, I'm in a group that's expected to understand how difficult it is. Let me tell you, you're wrong! The only significant difference is the grief for my mother, who was the best person I know and who I will always remember well. The rest is the same slop I know - no more, no less.
From № 1 I do not understand your goal and how will you benefit from what you want to achieve? Does the goal justify the effort? That the mother-in-law will not learn to give you so much money, no, and if your goal is not to go out of your family budget money to treat the brother-in-law, just not worth the effort to save so little money. On the other hand, it is not clear why you think that after your mother-in-law you will have to take care of your brother-in-law, we know he will become poor and probably sick, but you will not owe him and no one can oblige you to you look at him. We all see that you want to re-educate your 38-year-old brother-in-law, but no one believes that it is possible to make a 40-year-old Tamagotchi a real man and the efforts you make there make no sense. Neither will you be able to stop the mother's faucet / the money that flows on / nor will your brother-in-law become industrious, tidy and generous no matter how much you tell him. With the actions you take the most to anger your mother-in-law and brother-in-law to such an extent that they try to make your life bitter, believe me they may succeed, and your husband's patience probably has limits and is not worth learning because of the brother-in-law . Yes, your husband may agree with you now, but believe me, no one in this world is happy to be spoken to against his mother and brother, no matter how wrong they live, your husband harbors anger because he is busy. by re-educating them. And your goal to save money from the account of the brother-in-law in a restaurant is not worth the time spent in negative conversations with your husband about it. You pay for his restaurant when your husband wants to see his brother, accept that you are giving the money to a beggar on the street or to charity and forget it. He did not say what you expect your mother-in-law to bring from Bulgaria, we all understood in the topic that clothes and socks for your children is a little on my question, but you still explain that socks and blouses are a little. is small and whether it is rich. It has been a month at your expense, for God's sake, what do you expect her to pay for the food she will eat at your place or the electricity she has spent? While you were shopping in the store, she put something for your brother-in-law in your cart, God forbid, while she was visiting you and you went to the store together, she would take a separate cart and pay a separate bill in the store for something small? Now, if she bought something worth over 100 euros at your expense, it's worth the effort to tell her, but for something small ... In the end, accept, that everyone in this world has both the positives and the negatives, your husband's negatives are his relatives, you take him back with them and if your brother-in-law likes to give you a ride to work, you keep quiet as soon as he can suck from your colleague what do you care. When your husband wants to feed him, you keep quiet, accepting that this is money for charity, if you give it to a beggar on the street, he will not spend it properly, if it is already your effort or a large sum of money to pay you just refuse or find a reason not to do so. No one can oblige you if you die to pay the 3 rents or to vacate or repair his apartment, and you can always think of a reason why you can't go with him to state institutions to fix his documents if you don't feel like it.
Number 12, that you can't understand the author and you obviously haven't been in such a situation is obvious - come on a little easier with the categorical and mentoring tone. What is the author's goal? Aims not to see your loved one once again hurt and used by people who are supposed to support him and be closest to him, and de facto it is through that work for him, unless he can do something it is useful to them ... Because a person, even if motherly love and support has always been denied, nevertheless always more or less seeks it and strives to prove that he deserves it. And when he receives even a little attention from the parent in question, even if it is selfish, he wants to believe that things are finally right, that she will see how much he has achieved and that she has realized that he deserves to be loved. That's why it helps. And he rejoices when they give him a finger and closes his eyes to the signal lights. However, the development is the same every time and in the end it is rejected again - and the author has observed it many times so far and now she sees again how he enters the trap with good heart once again and wants to somehow save it and put it end. Critics - do you have any idea how difficult it is for a young family without any outside help to settle only abroad and what these people have been through? The "mother" in question is obviously aware of the difficulties when it comes to one of her children, but the other dogs ate him, he manages himself ... The one-month maintenance of a guest abroad is not to be neglected - these are means that would could go for the author's children. Would the grandmother let her beloved son bear her expenses in this way? No, I wouldn't ... What's more, that she is not there out of concern for the children and the family to see them because she is sad, but only in order to help her other son - she doesn't care that she burdens them and obviously doesn't bother her to shop for them account. And it's annoying - annoying when someone obviously doesn't care about his grandchildren and thinks of them almost out of shame and because something has to be done for the beloved son .. And I have no words for the brother ... You have an idea and how much does it cost, nerves and time to beat someone abroad? His parents pay the rent, but the search for housing, support by institutions, transfers, job search, mediation, driving the individual back and forth by car, something is necessary, because he does not see the point of his own car ... so it is more from clear that with each of his shoots a weight falls on them and they will have to fix his porridge. And all the emotional blackmail and pressure from relatives to make the author's husband feel guilty and obliged to help his brother? This is a mental harassment - to wonder when someone calls you, this time what will he want ... And again, these are times and expenses that could be invested in caring for the family and their own children, instead of fooling around. to an ungrateful parasite who thinks that everyone owes him and everything belongs to him. The author's reaction is absolutely justified and normal! these are times and expenses that could be invested in caring for the family and one's own children, instead of in the care of an ungrateful parasite who thinks that everyone owes him everything. The author's reaction is absolutely justified and normal! these are times and expenses that could be invested in caring for the family and one's own children, instead of in the care of an ungrateful parasite who thinks that everyone owes him and everything belongs to him. The author's reaction is absolutely justified and normal!
I can't believe that you give yourself away like that for a 40-year-old kid, and you give money, and you waste your time fixing his documents, etc. I don't know if this is kindness or nonsense. Absolutely refuse to tease him and clearly tell both him and his mother that this is a sick job. They will hate you - even better, they will not weigh on your head. To the 40-year-old kid himself, I don't know if and how it can be helped - meet him once in person, tell him clearly that it is at least embarrassing for his mother to look after him at the age when she has to look after grandchildren and tell him that you will definitely not look at him if he does not take care of himself, no matter what happens to him. I personally can't think of anything better you can do for him. Otherwise, I'm curious, what job did you find for him, considering that he never worked, and how do he do there?