Hello, I am a woman of almost 21 years and I have a friend of 5 months, 4 years older than me. We are of different nationalities, we live in a foreign country, he works, and I study and see each other often because we live 2 hours away. The semester is coming to an end and we planned to stay in his apartment (he lives alone) for 3-4 months to work and both of us to be able to save. Lately we have started arguing a lot, we have taken a break, I was on the verge of parting, for a moment everything changes and then the old story. He tries for me, but often when I ask him something he either refuses to do it or does it with a lot of grumbling and complaining. I tell him I'm not happy, and he says, "Well, what if I complain, I do." Yes, but I feel negatively burdened and I think it loses its meaning after doing so reluctantly. Besides, we have nothing to talk about, and when I ask him about ordinary things like his colleagues, his childhood, he gets annoyed and tells me that these are not things I need to know, as long as he himself is reluctant to come up with an intriguing topic. conversation. I think his biggest problem is that he is uncharacteristic and tries to please everyone. We traveled together two days ago and he promised his sister to visit her. She started calling a hundred times to ask him where he was and shouted at him to hurry before it was time for the meeting. He, in turn, began to spur on me and apologize to her, which irritated both of us and led to another quarrel. I told him that he should not allow anyone to be so commanding with him and tell her that he would arrive when he could and stop calling him. His sister, obviously feeling my displeasure, in the evening he wrote me a long message about how I quoted him as "terrorizing" him, I wanted to "control" him, what a "freak" I was, "mentally ill with an urgent need for a psychiatrist", I wanted him to pay me everything and I gained an enemy "in her face.
This has already overflowed the glass, his sister has never seen me and does not know me to express a competent opinion on these issues. True, I order sometimes, but I remind him that he must be tougher with people, even with myself. I never wanted his money, he offered me not to pay anything when I moved, and I told him that if we were "roommates", we would share. I tried to explain these things to his sister in a kind tone, and as a result, she kept ordering and I was forced to block her. He called her, she began to flatter him that she loved him, she told him that she would not write to me again, but refused to apologize. My problem is not with his evil sister, but with him and the fact that his family has no respect for him to turn him on his little finger and write these messages to me with the clear attitude that there will be no consequences. One day, hypothetically, if I became a mother of children, how would she be able to protect me? Should I incur all the malice and anger of his family? My family also disapproved of my ex-boyfriend, and I gave them an exact and clear ultimatum either to be respectful or not to rely on me. Something he can't do. For several days I have been experiencing sleepless nights, a lot of anxiety and anger. On the one hand, it is not said that we will be together forever, a cohabitation would give us a good experience in the future and would also be useful for both of us from a financial point of view. He has many positive sides, but on the other hand it is a great emotional connection and we often quarrel without it and do I have to get into trouble with his crazy sister? How to deal with him after his inability to influence his family? Cold, ignoring, to let him know he's going to lose me? Even if he realizes it, characterlessness is not something that changes easily. Thanks to everyone for the advice and opinions in advance!
Answers 8
I had a similar problem with my friend's sister, only she never told me anything directly. Constantly commanded my friend to do whatever they decided (she and his mother). They always interfered in our relations and gave opinions and "well-meaning advice", but I never responded badly. Only I can't describe here how bad it was. The problem was solved when we left Bulgaria and moved away from them ...
You are too young to burden yourself with the negatives of a cohabitation. Especially in the case you described. Live your youth. Seeing friends. Get out. There is time for everyday life.
Get out of it, since for 5 months you have been arguing constantly and taking a break, think about what will happen in time ...
Nothing good will come of such a stressful relationship with such a characterless person and his unpleasant relatives, especially a sister. Anyone with at least a little mind in their head would have run away a long time ago ...
I think your problem is more with your boyfriend than his sister. I don't think he's very right, you're talking about hypothetical children. You need a mentally stable man. You better experiment with something else instead of living together.
He must not in any way allow his sister to speak so disrespectfully to you. It is clear why he hates you - she and his mother have controlled him so far, a new woman appears in his life, who becomes a priority for him and his mother and sister feel that little by little they lose control, he is not available, does not listen and performs. It is normal for a man to consider his wife and not his mother and sister. It is inadmissible for them to be like a puppy. If he wants a man in place, he has to put them in place. Even if you move out, if he doesn't set limits on their behavior, they will continue to harass you. To tell them I will come when it is convenient, when they call, not to pick them up. To tell them my wife is most important to me is either you are behaving normally or you will not be a part of my life. And if only she had insulted you, he would have responded immediately and then stopped contacting her, not to pick up her phone, not to open the door, etc. When you impose boundaries, there must always be consequences for violating them. I gave you examples above of how this works, you already know. If he has the understanding and desire on his part, things will get better - he is not guilty that his relatives are like that, but if you see that he does not have the courage to oppose his family and live as he makes him happy, not as expected from him, you better run, because you will never be happy.
You are different as characters plus his sister is creating problems right now. There is no point in wasting yourself in this regard
In my opinion, your relationship with this man has no future, but at least you are gaining valuable life experience that will be useful to you until you meet the 'real' one to marry and from whom to have children.