Дали може човек да бъде уморен от живота на 30 години Незнам...Знам само, че всяка вечер заспивам с надеждата че утре няма да се събудя. Щом дойде утрото и видя усмихнатите личица на децата си, мисля каква егоистка сам била снощи. Ако не бях се събудила, кой щеше да им направи закуска сега... Усмихвам им се и заповядвам на дробовете си да дишат, защото така трябва. Синът ми отива на училище. Водя дъщеричката на ясла и поемам обратно към къщи. А там тишина... И в тази тишина-спомени, разпилени надежди и самота. Преди 8 години срещнах голямата любов. Всички казваха че сме живо доказателство за сродни души. Живяхме в София 5 незабравими години. Бях красива, влюбена и мила жена. Винаги сам казвала че любовта е това което виждаш за себе си в очите на любимия. Стана така че майка ми се разболя от рак. Всичко стана много бързо. След първата операция ни казаха че няма да живее и година. Бях на 25 години и всичко в мен беше надежда. Две седмици по-късно втора операция в друга клиника-казаха че ще живее 20 години поне...Огромна радост... Прибрах се в София и живота почна постаро му. Но тя ставаше все по зле. Последва нова епикриза-увредили са черният и дроб. Той започва да произвежда вода която отива в корема и чарвата. Те избутват всички органи нагоре... Щеше да живее до момента в който притиснат сърцето и и то спре. Прибрах се за да бъда до нея. Там-баща ми си тешеше мъката с друга жена а сестра ми реши че не е редно да си разбива психиката на 23 години като гледа майка си как умира. Взе си нещата и отиде да живее в приятеля си. Идваше всеки ден за половин час. Гледахме се двечките. Обещах и да не плача и за два месеца не пророних една сълза. Тя беше от тези хора, които е невъзможно да не обичаш. Все и казвах, че е ангел който случайно е паднал в този свят на жестокост и човешка злоба... Беше най-добрата ми приятелка. Никога не сгреши в един съвет който ми даде. Това изгражда неразрушимо доверие. Разказваше ми сънищата си-как тича по красиви поляни, как един така топъл глас я вика и как... Слушах я и исках да крещя ''-Моля те мила, моля те, не си отивай! Въздухът ми ще спре... Моят свят ще свърши... Къде да се топля от утре... Имам още да уча от теб...Как.....'' Но тя не искаше да чуе това...Затова и се усмихнах и казах''- Като толкова ти се тича по тези поляни, иди, стопли се на слънцето, говори с птиците и се смей от сърце. Бъди свободна'' Така продължиха дните ни. Тя гаснеше с всеки час. Галех косите и докато заспеше-тя много обичаше това. И сега ги чувствам между пръстите си и усещам как ухаят на пролет. Помоли ме да и купя нещата за голямото изпращане. Винаги е била доста пълничка а от болеста стана 53 килограма... Поиска красиво бельо каквото все си е мечтала да сложи...и панталон. Новата жилетка и чанта с които така и не излезе навън. В чантата да има червило, сенки и пудра-та нали е дамска чанта. И шарени чаршафи-не обичаше бели... Така аз смела тръгнах на пазар... докато съм жива ще помня този ден. Как продавачките ми обясняват кое е по качествено,а пък аз с една безумно тъпа усмивка клатя глава-как да кажа за какво купувам. Пазарът мина. Прибрах се. Баща ми каза да изчакам да се скрие в другата стая да не виждал нещата защото не издържал на болката. Качих ги високо в гардероба, та никой да не стресирват. Отидах да я видя-тя спеше. Седнах и дълго, дълго гледах без да виждам. И тогава разбрах...всичко в мен беше вече лед. Не чувствах топло ли е или студено...нищо. Много се мъчи през тези два месеца милата. На 10 април, когато влязах сутринта в стаята и веднага разбрах че е последният и ден. Обадих се на сестра ми ако иска да дойде. Баща ми беше с любовницата си. Целият ден казвах на майка, че е отишъл за лекарства. А тя се усмихна и каза'' - Аз знам къде е моето момиче.'' Отиде си в 8 часа вечерта... Очите и...прекрасни зелени очи. Така омайващи, така пленителни...как да ги затвориш... Няма я...И моят свят го няма...Silenceта бавно започна да навлиза в живота ми. В тези два месеца оставих веселото безгрижно момиче. Това което вярваше че всичко може да е истина и няма невъзможно чудо, в доброто у хората. Там останаха очите които се радваха на цъфналите пролетни дръвчета. Там остана уверената в женственноста си жена. Мечтателката, художничката, поетесата. Но никой не разбра това. Моята душевност не засегна нито живота на любимия, нито на сина ми. Минаха 5 години и много неща се случиха. Погребах още двамата ми дядовци, най добрия ми приятел, а автобус пръсна на хиляди парчета кучето ми... Но не се давах колкото и по тихо да ставаше край мен. Родих за втори път-момиченце. Кръстих я на майка ми...хубаво е да казвам името и отново. Свекърва ми до ден днешен не може да преглътне това... Но нали вече съм силна. Сменихме града за да ни помагат с децата и... Какво стана с голямата любов тогава...Вече сам много уморена. Благодаря на всеки който прочете писмото ми до края. Знам че живота ми съвсем не е най-голямата трагедия в света, но си е моята трагедия. Благодаря ти че отдели време да я чуеш и беше с мен. От три години не сам виждала приятелките си, те останаха в София. Никой не познавам в този град. От 3 години не сам била красива.Забравих какво е да си купиш нещо или да получиш подарък за празник. А голямата любов... почти не се прибира в къщи. И тази самота и тишина........
Answers 16
It is clear that you are a strong woman once you have experienced this. Believe that the bad is behind you and the good is coming. Don't despair.
Hello from me! God forgive your mother! I'm sorry you had to endure this tragedy, but these are the things of life! I will not reassure you, and I could not, but I will tell you only one thing! Turn your back on everything and throw it out of your heart! Life does not end! For that, live your life! Most likely, your mother will be happy because she would not want you to suffer! Just smile and live! If possible, return the great love, and if not - just find a lover and smile! There is no going back! You are a strong woman and for that take yourself in your hands, smile and overcome it! Listen to me and smile! I wish you happiness and luck!
In the time of the Buddha, a woman whose child had died heard of his abilities and went to him with a request to revive him. He told her: Go to this village and find "this" houseplant, but from a house where no one has died. Then bring it to me and I will revive the child. Encouraged, the woman went to the village, knocked on the first door and asked if they had this plant and if no one had died in this family. In the house they replied that they had this plant, but many people died with them. She went to the next house and so to all the houses in the village. It turned out that they have this plant everywhere, but there is no house in which at least someone has not died. The woman finally understood what the Buddha wanted to tell her, that impermanence is always around us and in everything.
Go to a psychiatrist, it's not embarrassing, you're obviously in a great depression, to prescribe you something, now there are good drugs that do not fill you up and sleep and find a lover. These two things help a lot, I know from personal experience. And the coolest thing happened when I divorced my former great love, raised my children alone and will soon marry my current great love. And when it's hardest for you, remember a quote from the Bible: "It will pass"! Success!
Hello Sweetie! Not only did I read your letter to the end, but I cried all the time. Your story is the same as mine that happened 7 years ago, but with my only favorite creature in this world - MY FATHER !!!! I am now happily divorced with a 6 year old child. I would like to tell you that it is up to you whether you will let the SILENCE in your soul and heart. I fought and I succeeded. NOW I FEEL MUCH BETTER, NOT BECAUSE "TIME HEALS" (the big lie), but because I gave myself to my child and realized that he brings me just as much joy as my father and that brings balance to me as emotional. Good luck and head up.
HELLO DEAR! NINE DAYS AGO I LOST MY FATHER. FROM THE SAME NIGHTMARE DISEASE. NOW IT'S VERY DIFFICULT WITHOUT HIM ... I miss him terribly. I KNOW I WILL NEVER SAY "FATHER" AGAIN. AND I, AS YOU, HAVE EXPERIENCED THAT SHOPPING, THE HARDEST IN MY LIFE. I WATCHED HIM AND WAS NEXT TO HIM FROM 14.02 TO 09.03, WHEN HE DIED. I UNDERSTAND YOU FULLY AND I sympathize with you. I KNOW THAT LIFE CONTINUES AND WE MUST BE STRONG. I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT, BUT ONLY IN FRONT OF DAD I COULD HAVE BEEN WEAK AND I KNEW IT WOULD COMFORT ME AND HELP ME. AND NOW I WANT TO TELL HIM THANK YOU FATHER AND GOD FORGIVE YOU!
Hello! And I read your story to the end. What you describe is really hard. Especially for sensitive people who measure their wealth by breathtaking moments, not by the number of breaths. Read the story of the Buddha many times, not to reassure you, but because that is life. And don't stop walking! Never! I lost my grandmother without telling her I loved her. And this is very sad. The story with my mother is sad, not because she is gone / Thank God! /, But because I have never had moments to warm me. I do not know this wealth. We all love to be loved. Silence, poetry, flowers ... I learned about them from life, not from my mother. The worst thing is that I realize it. And she, love, is in ourselves. I would like to know you. I would like to have a friend to talk to, but I don't. There is only silence around. Or screams mad at greedy and inhuman people. But you don't stop walking! There is a reason!
Hello! I'm the girl from the letter "Mom"! I read what you wrote to me, then I read your story and I want to tell you that what you experienced is equal to mine, although I could not say goodbye to my mother, but when I went to Sofia to see her in the hospital we both cried and we knew it was the end, but she couldn't talk. I know what it's like to watch her die, that she won't be there, and when that happens you realize that she's nowhere else, it's all over, and it's actually starting now .. I still can't live fully .. although to be young, but you are also young, you have 2 children, they are what should make you happy and give meaning to painting, to turn the paintings into real works of art! The great love is gone, oh it is not! You have 2 big loves - 2 children! The man is interchangeable, but I am, if I am with you I will go to a spa center I will beautify myself, I will adjust, I will show my husband how beautiful and strong I am and I will take my children and leave, because maybe this separation from him will open you up eyes and another love will find you .. because this man, with whom you would make you forget at least for a moment the grief for your mother, and if it is not, it is not worth it, I'm sorry, but if I'm leaving, what are they for challenges, if not to overcome them .. Death is a test it is part of life! Our pain with you and many others is inevitable, but suffering and introversion is our choice ... I fight .. You fight too will open your eyes and find you another love ... because this man, with whom you would make you forget at least for a moment the grief for your mother, and if he is not, it is not worth it, I'm sorry, but if I'm leaving, what are the challenges, if not to overcome them .. Death is a test it is part of life! Our pain with you and many others is inevitable, but suffering and introversion is our choice ... I fight .. You fight too will open your eyes and find you another love ... because this man, with whom you would make you forget at least for a moment the grief for your mother, and if he is not, it is not worth it, I'm sorry, but if I'm leaving, what are the challenges, if not to overcome them .. Death is a test it is part of life! Our pain with you and many others is inevitable, but suffering and introversion is our choice ... I fight .. You fight too
You will do it unconditionally. Answer with another question whether you want to grow old with this man and decide. Why is he often absent? If all goes well, it may take time for your children to grow up. But love comes and grabs us and does not choose the moment of appearance. Honey, think more about yourself.
I read your whole story and I would read more! made me cry, so similar to mine. And I fall asleep hoping I won't wake up tomorrow. Since my mother died, nothing makes sense ... wandering somewhere, but where? I still have something to fight for but I don't have enough strength ... However, I don't think it's quiet and lonely with you, you still have children
I would still like to write to you
You made me cry, I understand you, it hurts a lot. Breathe, don't give up, you're a mom.
I don't know when you wrote and how I just entered this page today just in that direction. Because a few days later it is one year since my father's death. My most beloved person after my child. So many disgusting things happened to me and his death came as a last resort. I was accused of all sorts of supposedly close friends who finally stabbed me in the back. And my father experienced everything with me and it was as if he took all the negative energy and that's why it's terribly hard for me. Time does not erase sadness and pain. And for my believer, what can I say, he finished us off with a super infidelity that became available to half the city. My father did not experience it, surrendered, just left without saying goodbye.
Hi, I will not give you advice, I will only tell you that you have a talent for writing. Certainly your mother is on another level of existence, and she is again, but in a better place. So don't regret not staying here to struggle. You say "loneliness and silence" ... it's very nice and very poetic, I'm serious, your story is a story, a real finished literary work. But loneliness and silence after having two children? ... "Your great love" is not love, it never was. / only my opinion /. I want to congratulate № 3 for the story with Buddha, she is very nice and on the spot. Finally, something like advice to you, if you allow me: try not to turn loneliness into a negative state, do not live with the feeling of lack ... loneliness, if you accept it, can be / and is / positive, inspiring and satisfying: .. In the world, but not from it ... and: ... alone but not alone. ... and you are not alone, no one is.
Honey, I cried at your story. I'm sorry you had to go through this when you were only 25 years old. Fate, what to do. You are a strong woman, you must continue for the sake of your children. I embrace you and wish you courage and confidence.
Whenever I encounter such a tragedy, I ask myself why does God allow this? It is very sad. He made me cry too. Don't give up, I hope happiness is found for you too! You are a good person, you deserve it! Boronia