Visiting The Mother-in-law

Hello. This is not the first time I have written and I have always received adequate advice, I hope this time as well.

My friend and our 6-month-old child and I live abroad. Soon we will travel to Bulgaria, we will stay there for a short time, to see relatives and friends, and the grandmothers to be happy for the grandson that it is their first.

The problem is that my mother is abroad, an hour away from us and will not be in Bulgaria when we return. My friend wants us to stay with his parents for the time we are there.

In them live his brother, his grandmother, his grandfather, his mother and his father. I get along well with everyone, I have no problems, but his mother worries me. The woman is quite attached to her son, who is my age and still lives with her, and to her eldest son, who already has a family, even more so.

She may be like that, mother, character, but too obsessive. I don't feel it when I talk at times, I constantly interfere in raising the baby. And even though we are 3,000 km away from her, she keeps calling and writing to me every day and checking on the baby.

I forgot to mention that the little one is named after her and that makes her even happier.

The thing is, my mother's apartment is vacant and there's no one there. There is absolutely no problem to stay there. But for reasons inexplicable to me, my friend does not want.

He talks to his mother that we want to be alone, that he doesn't want anyone to interfere with us, to cook and clean us, and generally to interfere in our affairs. She, of course, was not pleased with this fact, and began to explain how she was at work, and on the days when she rested she would be at their villa with his father, and when she returned in the evening she would go straight to her room.

Well, yes, but we all know that will not be the case. When the little one was born, she was here and did not give me the baby, I had reached such a period that I went for a walk alone so as not to look at her. In the evening, when the baby woke up when I breastfed her, she would take her and hold her in her arms. Imagine it like this: My friend and I are sleeping and she is sitting on the corner of the bedroom holding her. I told her to leave her, the baby was sleeping in the crib, no, no. When we had guests, she was again on the agenda with the baby in her arms, making breakfast for her son, making him coffee, generally such is his wife.

I'm not blaming her, my mother is also a grandmother, but does she miss her baby less?

I can just tell my mother everything in plain text and she will understand me and not interfere. I don't know if it's because she's my mother.

I do not have the courage to say all this to my mother-in-law in her eyes, because she is one of those women who will take offense, and I do not want to get into conflicts. My mouth is big, but my respect for my friend and his family is greater.

On the other hand, I don't like the constant ringing and writing, the constant checking to see if the baby has eaten, slept, cried, etc., and now that I have to live under her roof for 2 months and wake up every morning with the thought what new will he invent.

I talk to my friend delicately, but he doesn't understand me. He explains to me that everything will be as I want and that no one will interfere with me. But she doesn't know it's until she's left alone with her.

I don't know what to do, I don't stop thinking about it. I'm tired of hearing how each of her colleagues wanted to come and hug the baby, how she promised to show it.

When the little one was born, my mother-in-law took her upstairs in the bedroom and took pictures of her and sent the pictures to anyone, I'm not calm.

I do not have the courage to tell her all this in her eyes, I share with my mother, she also tries to explain to her that everything is fine and that we are doing well, but the harassment is great.

How would you act in my place? What would you do? I know we don't live together, but believe me, mental harassment is not to be underestimated. She may do it unconsciously, but it affects me quite badly.

Thanks to everyone who has reached the end of the story.

Answers 12

vikatreason answered · July 14, 2020

There is nothing delicate. Why you have to push 100 people. You stay calm and independent, you visit and that's it. If he wants you there, to rent a hotel. I do not understand this mentality. And his mother clearly say that the heavy one who, determining, will look after the child. Put the limit!

butterflym25 answered · July 14, 2020

It was that this baby was not a trophy to show to colleagues. The baby is YOUR AND YOUR HUSBAND'S CHILD. His grandmother has a grandson. You don't owe anything to her colleagues. Why don't you have the courage to tell her what you're afraid of? What will you lose? One day he will ask you where you have been and why his grandmothers have more influence over him than his mother. It is high time to stomp your foot and look at your child as and where it is convenient for you. If they want to sit with him, you will allow when and how it is convenient for you. If they are offended and do not want to - at least you will look at it your way, not to have three poor mothers.

ripe_experience answered · July 14, 2020

If it is for a short stay, use a hotel, and no one will be angry, and you will demonstrate a high standard, that's why you are abroad

texasbadgirl answered · July 14, 2020

You are uncharacteristic of how he will take your child in the middle of the night, stay in your room and take him to take pictures of him and send him to strangers. And you are silent and justify yourself with some nonsense. You have to shout at her and your husband. Once you have an apartment at your disposal you go there and point. You and the child will feel much more comfortable there. When the mother feels good, the child also feels good and vice versa. Not only did you give birth to him, you watch him, you don't sleep because of that, but now that you have the opportunity to rest and relax, you have to go there to be harassed by this grandmother. The child is not a doll to be tossed around. You are obviously very young and naive, otherwise I don't know how you relate to your husband's nonsense. And he is a mother's son who wants his mother to cook for him, to make him a coffee and to beat him up. Only a scandal will fix them otherwise I don't see you. You are the mother of this child, not this extremely impudent woman, you decide, not her. But that impudence.

julai_moon answered · July 14, 2020

If I were you, I wouldn't bother, I would even let her babysit her, in her bedroom if she wanted to, and I would feel like I was on vacation with my husband, going out for walks late at night. What can he do to the baby, after all, it is not very small, he is 6 months old, and she is his grandmother, she doesn't think anything bad of him, she has a name. When I was your age, I thought like you, but there came a time when I learned the joke "Who has grandchildren to look after them" and "Nobody made them become grandmothers, now they will look after their grandchildren" and since then I was ok , there is nothing wrong with the child's grandmothers, even if they spoil him for the time they are together, when you go abroad you will teach him again your rules, I did so and snapped my fingers. All the holidays my children have been with their grandmothers, and believe me they are alive and well, now adults and well-mannered. Yes, after they came back from the grandmothers / no matter mother or mother-in-law / I had to teach them my rules every time, but my vacation alone with my husband was worth the effort.

alexandraa_smith answered · July 14, 2020

And how do these two paragraphs relate? "The thing is that my mother's apartment is vacant and there is no one. There is absolutely no problem to stay there. But for reasons inexplicable to me, my friend does not want. He talks to his mother that we want to be alone, that he doesn't want anyone to interfere with us, to cook and clean us, and generally to interfere in our affairs. Of course, she didn't feel good about that fact ... "

simplymocha answered · July 15, 2020

First, with her stones on her head. If, as he says, he will return directly to his room, and at the weekend he will be at the villa, why live with them, it makes no sense. Insist in front of your husband to go to your mother's apartment so that you are calm and tell him that if you are going to boil with relatives, it is better not to go at all. Be firm and do not give up. Second, learn to set boundaries. Do you enjoy talking to your mother-in-law 100 times a day? Does it add value to you being "checked" as if you were an inadequate mother? If the answer is no, just stop picking up her phone and giving her reports. She doesn't sleep that she burdens you, why should she sleep that she will be offended. By the way, no matter how hard you try to justify it, you know very well what she is doing and that she is doing it on purpose, and all sorts of tricks and exhortations are just manipulations that make you give up what you want and make you feel. well, and do what she wants you to do. Third, your child is not a circus animal, be a mother and protect him. Don't give it to her. What kind of hers is hers? !? You are the mother and you decide how you will take the picture, to whom you will send the pictures and who will see it. She is just no one to claim. Fourth, there are no hints from such people, there is no normal dialogue. She knows very well how you feel, but she doesn't care and she won't change if you don't force her to impose boundaries. For example, she comes to you uninvited, you don't open the door for her. She starts screaming how much you insulted her. You repeat to her that without an invitation no point will come to you. Next time you don't open it again. And learn to talk to your husband. Why doesn't he know how his mother treats you? Only a mother's son would jump in to protect her instead of standing behind his wife and putting her in place. If you think you have one, you'd better take your child and run, because you'll end up on sedatives in the end. If you want to read the opinion of professional psychologists on the subject, not Aunt Pena, read Borders and Toxic Parents. It can help you a lot, because your mother-in-law is like that - toxic.

gingertwink555 answered · July 15, 2020

2 months can be an awful lot of time in a home with relatives ... Of course, whatever your mother-in-law promises in advance, she will eventually do what she knows and you will not have the word. In this situation, I would not stay in them with the child at all, but I will directly tell myself that I will be calmer in my mother alone with the little one, but we will visit regularly and point. Don't let your husband convince you, because you know that your mother-in-law didn't interfere when she was with you and harassed you. What the hell would allow his mother to sit next to them while lying on the bed with his wife ??? And for sending the photos of the little one, it was right to react. Just don't allow an option in which you move in with the baby at the parents-in-law - that would be hell. Be categorical - if your husband really wants mommy to fuck him, let him stay alone with them, but you will only come to visit.

bunniibumm answered · July 15, 2020

I want to thank everyone for their valuable advice. Since number 6 did not understand how the two paragraphs were connected, I did not mention that after long negotiations my friend agreed, but he still argued that he rarely saw her and that is why he would like us to be in them. Believe me, I do not stop talking to him on the subject. He sees that I am not happy about this fact and tries to dissuade me more or less. As for staying at a hotel, I did not offer it to him, because I can already imagine his words, how there is a place to go, and we have to go to a hotel, that is, I doubt he will agree. And believe me, I tried to ignore it, but it didn't work. Yesterday, for example, he wrote to me in the morning, called me at noon and in the evening said good night to the baby and us. I was angry once because she had written to ask me again about the baby, because after the immunizations we were in the emergency room and we came home after that and she didn't stop writing to me. I got angry and told her that we were his parents and that there was no need to worry, and she told me in her next conversation in a sad tone how she knew that we were his parents and that I was not offended, but worried and so on. ... And a few days later she told my mother - "She told me that they were his parents, there was no need to worry, well, yes, but I'm worried." There have been cases in which I did not call her for 5-6 days, nor did I write, and on the 7th she could not stand it and started me. We're leaving in a month, but she clearly has no intention of smelling until then. She doesn't stop talking about how the baby would sleep with her, how she would carry her and so on. This is basically, I will try to be more direct and show her that it will not happen to her, let's see.

cutiiie_ answered · July 16, 2020

If I'm in your place, I'll catch the baby and go straight to my mother's apartment. And we will visit everyone, but then every frog will know its goal.

cinnecock answered · July 16, 2020

You are weak. The softer you are, the more it will get on your head. What do you care so much to stand up for her? This is your child, you will look at him as you want, and whoever will sulk, you are asleep. The other time he tells you that he takes her to her, you say "Now I'm thinking of feeding her, bathing her, putting her to sleep or something ... I'll give it to you another time or later". Trying to impose his opinion on you, you say "Every mother decides how to look after her child", "Everyone decides about their baby", "The child's pediatrician has a different opinion" (there is no way to challenge the opinion of a doctor :))

marilyn_cute answered · July 16, 2020

In this forum, I have always been on the side of mothers-in-law, by the way, even though I am a daughter-in-law. In this particular case, however, I stand behind the author. What is the point of skipping 10 people, with a small child, two months after you have secured a home? And your last name is a last name, you will visit each other, your grandmother will hug your grandchildren, your brothers will see each other, etc. But isn't this child a doll to be thrown back and forth? !! Be firm, author, and insist on the option of staying in your mother's home. Two months is not "guests". "Guests" is one weekend maximum and who is from where. Two months are cohabitation.

Visiting The Mother-in-law

Answers 12

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