Hi, I never thought I would be a person writing on a site and I need advice. I've read a lot of stories here, but I didn't think there would be a time in my life when I would seek advice from strangers about my personal life. My story is quite long and I will be happy if there are people who will have the patience to read it, to understand it and to express an opinion, because I really need advice. I am a 32-year-old woman with a 12-year relationship living abroad. I met my husband when I was in my early twenties. Our relationship started quite naturally, there was a strong attraction and a little life experience on my part. We started dating, things went well for the first few months, I wouldn't say great, but good. We had quite a big difference in our views on things, on life and in general in our value system. The man was not responsible, he didn't know the importance of working and coping with life in a normal way, even though he was years older than me. For me, these things were formed in my early teens, when I was working on summer vacations, purely in my desire to feel responsible and independent. I worked in Bulgaria, he didn't, but that didn't bother me due to the fact that we didn't live together, and I was too young to ask myself these questions. My husband managed in ways unknown to me and I never had to give him money. I was young then and I didn't think these things. About 6 months after an argument between us, I received my first slap, soon followed by others. Then I imagined that this would not happen again, that it would be realized and that it would stop. After about a year together, we had the opportunity to go abroad and try to build our lives while we were still young. Here things deepened due to the fact that I quickly found my place here, I found an environment, because I have always been sociable and combative, I found a job without a problem (of course with the support of close people here). I got on my rails and didn't suffer from the fact that I was in a foreign country, the fact that I was with him and I wasn't alone was enough for me. That I have the closest person I loved then to the point of pain. He gave almost nothing of himself, did not want to make an effort to get into the whole picture and be a fighting couple for their future. I worked 100%, he always had explanations and reasons why things never work out for him. He started behaving even worse, he often insulted me, you often hurt me with words, he was aggressive and arrogant all the time towards me and my new acquaintances. Because he is not very social, I often had to choose whether to create a problem or continue to develop relationships with colleagues, acquaintances, etc. He always had something he did not like - this was stupid and ugly, the other was nephew and Hey such explanations. Gradually he somehow "won" a situation in which my close colleagues or acquaintances never came home, because in the moments when they came his attitude showed me that he did not like or even worse, these people directly felt in terms of not being desired here. I never allowed myself to "give it back" to his acquaintances (though only one or two) who came. I started slowly over the years to realize myself better and better, I worked and hoped that the bad attitude will stop and we will reach the much desired harmony for me. I realized that he made almost no effort to make it happen, so I subconsciously gave for two. I found a better home, I was completely independent in terms of finances (I never allowed myself to weigh on him and demand something personal for myself from him in the material sphere). It didn't help at home, in the household, and I gave 101% of myself to run a house, work full time and be a supported woman at the same time. His aggressive behavior did not decrease (thinned over the years, because after each such moment there were rumors of self-awareness on his part, promises of change), actually decreased, but did not disappear completely. For a long time I waited for him to take on his role in the relationship, to become the man who works hard, who takes care of his wife and home. Many years passed in such coexistence until the last 3 years in which I somehow became much more independent, it could be emotionally difficult to hurt me, I had somehow built a shield from his actions over the years. It was when I became stronger in his attitude that he began to behave a little better, although there were times when I felt disappointed in his better attitude because of small things that were distorted or lied to me and they were not exactly like that. A few months ago, life met me by chance with another man. I liked him when we met, but I didn't do anything because I was in a long relationship, and I didn't have the feeling that I wanted to end my husband. But this new man, I will call him M, looked for me, made contact with me, I had the opportunity to get to know him in the few months of our acquaintance, I felt with my heart that we liked everything, but I did not feel free to embrace the new in my life. Still, we went on, he knew I had a long relationship, but we went on. So a few months in which I met him and fell in love, I felt feelings for M arise in me, I felt close to him even after only a few months of acquaintance. I felt that the moment had come when I had to make my choice, and I was so afraid of the new, of myself, because I felt so tired from my previous relationship that I didn't know what I could give to the new man next to me. I got scared, I started to think if it made sense to give up my relationship with my husband, in which I had put so much effort and which had finally calmed down, even though it wasn't the relationship I dreamed of. I felt so exhausted emotionally, I was scared because I saw that M gave me a lot, and I, despite my desire, did not know if I had the strength to build a relationship again from the beginning. We stopped seeing M because I was expected to take my step towards him, for which I did not have the courage. I think about him all the time, I miss him, I became colder to the man I live with, I somehow moved away from him and he felt him, he started behaving nicely, he repeats to me every day that if I give him a chance he will show me that our long relationship is not a mistake despite the previous troubled years ago. I think about M, I think if I didn't make a mistake by not following what I had been looking for all my life and believing that I had found it, but then I got scared and gave up like a complete fool. At the moment, our roles have been exchanged with the person I live with, with the difference that I'm not aggressive and I don't hurt him physically and verbally, I just don't seem to care so much. I ask myself the question - if so, why did I not follow what I had, I knew with my soul that it was real and that I would not be deceived, I was still afraid, they pollinated and I did not do it. I felt so weak, I don't have the strength for that. Now I think constantly about this, about M, about the moments, the days with him. I would like to hear serious opinions from settled people, have I made a mistake in my life or have I subconsciously felt that I am not ready for this with M. Thank you I knew in my soul that it was real and that I would not be deceived, yet I was afraid, they pollinated me and I didn't. I felt so weak, I don't have the strength for that. Now I think constantly about this, about M, about the moments, the days with him. I would like to hear serious opinions from settled people, have I made a mistake in my life or have I subconsciously felt that I am not ready for this with M. Thank you I knew with my soul that it was real and that I would not be deceived, yet I was afraid, they pollinated me and I didn't. I felt so weak, I don't have the strength for that. Now I think constantly about this, about M, about the moments, the days with him. I would like to hear serious opinions from settled people, have I made a mistake in my life or have I subconsciously felt that I am not ready for this with M. Thank you
Answers 11
Break up with your husband once he beats you! Why are you sitting with a man who is aggressive with you? Do you want to be killed one day? Break up with him immediately. He neither loves nor respects you.
I think you made a mistake. You are not his mother to give 101% of yourself. You wear it around your neck like a millstone.
Honey, I just got goosebumps reading you ... Now I'll tell you why ... I've been with my "misunderstanding" for 9 years. During those years, he did not know what work and responsibility were, and I tried to study and work at the same time. I did what I could. Uniquely very similar to your case! And I ate 1-2 slaps. Rough treatment was common, and at some point I began to retaliate. I became like you on my own - to the marrow of my bones. One day I got out of bed and realized - I was 24 years old, desperate, in poor health and ... sad. He didn't help me. It did not bring me joy. I didn't rely on him. I didn't love him. I packed my bags and left. I know it's uniquely difficult. We were half together for a while ... But in the end I totally left and that day I started living. It was 2 years ago. That's right. A week or so later, I met my current husband in the most unexpected and incredible way. At first I was terribly skeptical - another idiot who will lose the rest of my youth. But! I relaxed slightly and fell in love like never before. I BACK THE PAST! That was the main thing ... We got married 10 months later. Now we are expecting a child and I do not regret for a moment that I trusted the new person for me then! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! At first I was terribly skeptical - another idiot who will lose the rest of my youth. But! I relaxed slightly and fell in love like never before. I BACK THE PAST! That was the main thing ... We got married 10 months later. Now we are expecting a child and I do not regret for a moment that I trusted the new person for me then! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! At first I was terribly skeptical - another idiot who will lose the rest of my youth. But! I relaxed slightly and fell in love like never before. I BACK THE PAST! That was the main thing ... We got married 10 months later. Now we are expecting a child and I do not regret for a moment that I trusted the new person for me then! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! I relaxed slightly and fell in love like never before. I BACK THE PAST! That was the main thing ... We got married 10 months later. Now we are expecting a child and I do not regret for a moment that I trusted the new person for me then! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! I relaxed slightly and fell in love like never before. I BACK THE PAST! That was the main thing ... We got married 10 months later. Now we are expecting a child and I do not regret for a moment that I trusted the new person for me then! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy! With my story I want to tell you the following - if you are not happy - leave! Having a long relationship is not a guarantee that you will be happy in the future. Take a risk! If you want the new person - be with him. You are young, live! PP I was terribly excited when I read that he didn't like any of your friends. I experienced ABSOLUTELY the same. I hid to go for coffee. And that, if it's normal ... That's why your story touched me. Be happy!
I'll start with your husband: he hasn't changed in the slightest. I say it without apology, it was shit, it's the same now. He just saw that you were no longer so emotionally dependent on him. For a parasite like him, you are the perfect woman - you work hard, you take care of your home, you gently serve its complexes, you do not contradict, you give - you do not take anything and you do not insist. You are a bit like that ... again, without apology, I say it - losers. He has certainly felt the change in you, he probably knows about the other, but there are no balls to bite. He knows that with the appearance of the new one, he could have lost you at the first wrong step, and he doesn't want that. NO ONE else will endure it, especially at this age, even for a while the Other-M will not "try" it: against the background of your husband, any normal man would seem to you like the prince of fairy tales. It is interesting the thinking of men who call themselves " you are a surprisingly strong woman considering how weak you are ... It's weird, but that's exactly what you thought when I read you. It is as if two persons live in you, so different, on both extremes, and as if the main problem is between you and YOU! Say something more about your relationship with M! It would be useful to know which of the two extremes provokes in you. Didn't he help you find your golden golden environment? Still, the short superficial answer: follow your heart or at least M! Time will tell, but your husband is not worth it! Didn't he help you find your golden golden environment? Still, the short superficial answer: follow your heart or at least M! Time will tell, but your husband is not worth it! Didn't he help you find your golden golden environment? Still, the short superficial answer: follow your heart or at least M! Time will tell, but your husband is not worth it!
Thank you N # 3, I felt you went the same way, I felt close to you somehow. I wish you happiness with the new person next to you, be healthy and happy!
You are not ready for a new relationship until you end the old one. Write to M that you have feelings for him, but you want to be free first. The relationship with your current boyfriend is over, this relationship is over, I think he has already lost you. It is normal to feel confused and scared, but think if you didn't have M, would you stay with your longtime friend, do you love him, would you see him in 10-15 years? When you answer these questions, decide what you will do. It is not said to start a relationship immediately after separation
You're ready for this with M. Don't waste your time with a man who beats you. M must be waiting for you. You will create the desired family with him. Take the initiative. Share your intentions with M. I'm sure he will respond. Success!
The reluctance to turn one's back on "efforts" in a long-term relationship is one of the biggest traps and obstacles to happiness. No matter how much your current "man" promises, he will not change his essence. Your attempts to push him to do so have failed, and as a result you have wasted 12 years of your life. It is time to stop existing and start living. If you continue to waste your time in this way, you will only lose. Your current husband doesn't love you, but the fact that you support him - literally, nothing more. He is afraid that you will leave him and he will not be able to do it alone - and he is right, but he is not your responsibility. You had low self-esteem, which he further trampled on, so you remained attached to him for so many years, not because of some imaginary love. Can a person love someone who makes him unhappy? Stop the agony,
To number 4: Now I see that I really did not give almost any information about the man M, about how it makes me feel and what provokes me. I will start from the moment of our acquaintance: He was nice to me, purely physical at the time of Our casual acquaintance. I liked the fact that he is moderate, careful and serious in behavior. This at first glance and first impression. After our acquaintance, this opinion of mine was strengthened, I had the opportunity to spend periods of 10-20 days several times. all day with him and I really liked that he is not in a hurry, he is not in a hurry, he is in control. I was able to see him in certain situations in contact with other people how he reacts, especially when the situation is out of everyday life and requires a quick and thoughtful reaction. He is very loving, gentle and caring to me personally. I was honest with him, I never dared to lie to him,
I am more or less in such a situation, but I am in the role of the man M. We have been in a relationship for more than two years, and we are both married with children. She has experienced many bad moments with a man who respects his friends and alcohol, and just like the author's husband, from the very beginning there have been slaps and harsh words and humiliation. She loves me madly, she is obsessed with me from my presence and everything I do with love for her, but she never gathers strength to leave him, which drives me crazy. I was one hundred percent ready to end the current woman (I also have my reasons), but I didn't do it just because I listen to her guilty conscience that she will be the reason. At the moment we are cramming no development in one place, I am constantly listening to how much he can't stand it, how he can't stand it, the scandals that happen and ... what, well, nothing. I love her insanely, but I want this to end now,
To tell you the truth, I experienced almost the same thing. 13 years with a grumbler without a job and education, and most importantly without a desire for such, but with a big mouth. I didn't like him, but because of the routine I put up with him, even though I went with someone else for three years. Finally, I spontaneously cheated on a third party, he understood and ended. I was like cracked with a wet rag, I can still imagine talking to him. It's been many years and getting used to it is a scary thing. I don't want to see him anymore. I was afraid of being left alone, but now I am with more people around me because I conceived again. And not to get along with the other man - end the long relationship. You're just suffocating.