Hello, Here is my story. My boyfriend and I have been together for 9 years. We had many happy and very difficult moments. We both love each other a lot, but it's no longer the initial love affair with butterflies in the belly. Last year we broke up for about 6 months. It was a difficult time for both of us. The separation was the result of a misunderstanding between me and his family. Then we got together and I don't think we've both felt happier until now. His attitude towards me is completely different, and mine is towards him. We do not allow anyone to interfere with us. We consider serious steps in our lives, we talk about family and children. And suddenly, out of nowhere at a reunion with mutual acquaintances, I realized that he had been with another girl during the time we were separated. I'm still silent (I don't think I'd ever be ashamed to tell him what I found out), but I felt very deceived. I attributed the change in his attitude towards me to the fact that he realized what his life was like without me, I hoped that he realized his mistakes, and in the end it turned out that he just made a comparison between me and the other girl and just chose the most convenient for him. Out of pure female curiosity, I asked about the girl. I don't want to be rude or rude, but at first glance she is mediocre, uneducated, with a dubious change of low-skilled job, every few months. I can't say it's ugly, but it certainly seems unsupported. I can't stop wondering why he came back to me. Until I learned about this story (I can't even call it infidelity), I strongly believed that everything would be fine and the old quarrels, problems and misunderstandings were a thing of the past. Now I can't stop doubting that he came back to me because he just collected 2 + 2 and the result was in my favor, not out of love, but out of account. I have a well-paid job, I pay my own bills, I don't wait for him to pay for my travels and take me anywhere, I'm ambitious, I haven't stopped studying a single day of my life, if I have a problem I can count on my parents its unconditional and I certainly don't look unmaintained. Please advise how you think it is right to act in such a situation.
Answers 14
So he did not lie or deceive you because you were separated. It's not Vanga to know that you will change and reunite, but it's up to you - either forgive him 100% and continue your relationship, or break up. On average, no. The biggest mistake is to stay with him because of the long relationship and desire for family and children, and all your life to hide bile and think of being deceived. If you can't forgive, break up with the person before you start a family! By all rules, however, he did not cheat on you - you were separated. He didn't come back to you because of the "bill," just because for a normal man (and I hope you're with one) that's not important to a woman. If he doesn't love you, he has returned to you because of habit and comfort. However, you have to judge what kind of person you are with, whether you love him and so on. These are already more important topics than his fleeting adventure in a period of separation. And yet - why are you with a person at all who you think does not love you? Don't be angry, but when you break up with someone you have no pretensions to him anymore and he can sleep with whomever he wants. If I were you, I would focus on the really important things in this case - does he love you, is he ready to keep others from separating you, is he serious, and so on - everything that is important to you in a relationship like a marriage.
Tell him you know, because it will keep biting you and sooner or later you will start pushing him. What of the fact that he made a judgment and it is in your favor - it does not mean that he is mercantile, but that he just has common sense. Life is not flowers and roses, but a constant struggle and to expect to be in love all your life is unrealistic. It is good to judge whether he is really the person for you and to follow his decision, and not to be influenced by his motives. It is clear that he has already judged and appreciates you highly. Trust is most important in a long relationship and in order to regain it you need to clarify.
Drop it. To start from A to build his future, to learn to appreciate people. Does not deserve you. A woman like you will not be left without a man, calm down. Carefully choose the next one.
Author, the first thing that made a bad impression on me was that you were insulting a girl you had never seen in reality. If he lied to you and didn't tell you about her, maybe there is a reason, since this is not infidelity, what prevented him from sharing with you ... I, in your place, would have doubted when they started seeing each other. Besides, I would seek contact with her to talk (but seriously) but I think you're afraid to understand the truth, so you're unlikely to do so. Ask yourself how capable you are of forgiving the person next to you! After you think that he doesn't love you, whether he will remain faithful to you, whether he still has no guilt, whether he doesn't lie to you about other things, without trust a relationship is not built!
I don't think he's been with you for 9 years just for the money. Otherwise yes, it is doubtful. :)
How to proceed? Well ... smart for example. Waiting without torment for him to tell you that in the meantime he had a relationship and why. Don't ask him, it's ugly. And I really can't understand your anguish. As they wrote to you above, you have been separated. It is normal for a man not to stand on dry land, because his instinct is instinct. And he did not go indiscriminately to have sex with many women as an untied person / which means that he is not a womanizer /, but he found a boyfriend. Well, it's not at your level, but it definitely encouraged him and was comfortable, easy and replaced his carnal needs. Would it have been better for you to have been with someone more superior than you? Ask her and answer honestly. You are also jealous of an impersonal rival, so what's left of someone more twisted. Advice from me - if the person is worth it, if you have that dose of normalcy in the relationship, which can be stored for life, do not miss it because of such trifles. And this is out of your relationship, and it ended as a kind of one-day adventure. Hardly such a woman, after a relationship with you, can upgrade him and he hardly had expectations from her. Don't think about it, you're putting on an extra load.
You are not right. If the woman he cheated on you with was cool, smart, and had everything, then would you be better off? For me, the situation is this - you broke up, he was free, he had sex. He didn't know you were going to get together. And when you understand, it strikes you with dignity and you start putting all kinds of movies in your head.
How do I treat you during your separation? If he was looking for you, he assured you, asked for an opportunity, he wanted you to solve your problems, etc., and at the same time he ran to this one, he will be right in his conclusions. In that case, he will be a liar, looking for the comfortable and safe, while looking for adventures. However, if your separation was the end, without contacts, conversations in the direction of a new chance, then you have no right to be angry, because he was really alone, he did not look for you, he did not ask for a moment of renewal or so on. you did not allow such an opportunity.
Will we live with him or you? What a question, what to do !? Do what your intuition tells you. The more comments, the more different opinions there will be, will you make a casserole. If you want to be with him, be, if you don't want to, break up again forever. I don't know if he's an accountant, but you're certainly like that when such thoughts run through your head. She took more money, so that's why he's with you !? If money is more important to you, you better find a rich man.
separation was a fact, he had sex with another, and the fact that you did not have sex with another means that you are lagging behind, learn one thing after separation, everyone is free to do anything without having to explain their actions.
I would say I know. I can't hide it in myself.
It's not Vanga. but he could tell her that he had been with someone other than her to learn from people. My dear, in my opinion, a family with a person you can't trust is not built. You decide, but I wouldn't wash it after that. If he had told you, if he had apologized to you - then yes, then he is serious. And he's not even asshole.
Number 6, you talk like you're the person the author writes about, you're not his brother or lawyer to know what kind of behavior he had? Maybe the girl dumped him and he decided to go back to option B .. how will it stay dry. Maybe the man has secured himself, but this is the new fashion, today you should have at least two options.
Thank you all from the bottom of my heart for your comments. I wrote here because sometimes a person is very immersed in their problems and it is very useful to hear the opinions of bystanders who are not emotionally attached to the case.