Hello good people. I turn to you in despair, because all my friends have left me, they have started making fun of me and saying that the girl is not for me and they are inciting me to leave my girlfriend. I am not a nerd and I am really in love with her and I want to overcome the current problem, but until she overcomes herself, I will have to adjust to her, because the best I can do is to show understanding. I am convinced that sooner or later everything in between will start. I will try to be as short as possible. As soon as we met, she mentioned that she has some problems that she is working on and that she has made great progress since she started visiting a psychologist. I accepted her as she was and I believed that together we would overcome this. Of course, almost immediately I noticed some beginnings of what he hinted at, but at first glance it is not something that is disturbing. Apart from the fact that we are always together, nervous, worried, hovering and as if her mind is completely different, there are some other aspects that I do not consider so normal. I consider it a serious vicissitudes that I forget all the time. For example, the day before she tells me that she will go looking for something, and when I see her the next day, and I ask her if she has found what she is looking for, she looks at me with a very strange look and asks how I knew what she was looking for and where she is. went yesterday? Another similar case - she tells me that she is looking for a very specific case for her phone, which I later manage to find and give her as a gift, whereupon she falls into a vision again, how did I know exactly what model of phone she has and, that she wanted just such a case? All this, given that we talked about this topic a week earlier. There are dozens of similar examples. Just don't remember that she told me something or asked me something and I have to answer the same questions every week. Of course, at first glance she is not who knows what, and if she had not shared that there are some "problems", I would have thought that for her I am "by the way" and do not take me so seriously. But what worries me is that she creates in my mind an unreal - negative image of me, because she comes to the conclusion that I follow her, eavesdrop and dig into my personal life, because I knew things she does not remember telling me. .. Of course, I do not remain passive and immediately explain to her when and how she told me and how I know. There is always a reaction of surprise on her part, and sometimes she has apologized to me and said that she was just distracted. I ask you, how to proceed in such cases? In general, I think that it would be best to pretend to be hit and let her ask me the same questions every week, and not continue as before - by asking me, even though I jokingly tell her that I have already answered? In general, I think her whole problem is rooted in this - from time to time she gets waves of paranoia, fear and anxiety. We haven't talked about it, but I'm pretty sure she had a relationship before me with someone who told the story of the psyche and must have broken her heart. And of course, I'm suffering because of it right now. I also know she can't stand alone. She told me that after standing for 1 hour she panics on her own, so all the time she is either with friends or with relatives, and lately with me too :) But in general, what worries me the most is the extreme and inconsistency. Sometimes, even quite often, she is extremely cold to me. I mean, that he neither picks me up nor answers my messages, and when he is in such a state, he most hastily refuses any meetings with me. When everything is fine, we talk and write to each other for hours, and our kisses are passionate and emotional. When we have sex, it happens that she then sends me a message containing the fears and she has not disappointed me or repulsed me in any way. And in general, he does it quite often. She constantly thinks she hurt me and insulted me with something. I believe that she will be able to overcome this problem, so the only thing I can do is to support her and of course not to disappoint her, but unfortunately the latter I have the feeling that I do it all the time. I try to be completely neutral with her, as I would with any other girl. She herself does not want special treatment, because it will make you feel even worse. What should I do? I love her very much and I don't want to lose her, but every time I read a message like "After last night you probably don't want to see me anymore" my heart breaks. How to deal with it?
Answers 8
This is how you described it, that I have the feeling that you are talking about the bottom of my ex ... she had the same symptoms ....
From what has been written, it is clear to me that she suffers from nutritional deficiency, which is expressed in memory problems. I'm not talking about the caloric value of food and the lack of important nutrients necessary for the functioning of the body, including brain activity. If I have to guess, I guess the reason is the lack of enough animal fats and fat-soluble vitamins in the diet, which prevents the myelin sheaths of neurons from renewing, hence memory problems and possibly atherosclerosis, God forbid. More meat, cheese and dairy, eggs, fruits, vegetables, peanuts and less factory processed food, sugar, pasta and vegetable oil and should be fine.
I thank you for your patience and understanding, but if she fails to deal with her problem, then your psyche will begin to collapse. Such behavior becomes annoying over time and I say it because I know what it's like to be around such people. I don't know exactly how to explain it to you, so let's say you need to have the same patience for her as you need for a small child with constant questions about everything around him. For me, the story is completely different, I will not go into details, I just want to warn you that you need a healthy psyche and a lot of peace, otherwise it does not work. You should never get angry, accept her problems and remind yourself every time she boils inside. Answer her questions briefly and clearly, there is no need for jokes that she will not understand, because she has forgotten that she has already asked you. And these jokes can easily negatively affect her, this is a bad truth and I feel obliged to tell you. In general, you are in a position now, as if you were playing mines, your actions immediately have a reaction that is not certain to be good. You have to take care of her psyche yourself, because she is unstable, she doesn't have to be very scared. I have witnessed panic attacks, great anxiety and nervousness, over time I have developed a certain reaction, I can tell you about it. You let her sit, stand in front of her, ask her to look you in the eye, and ask very simple questions to distract her. If you make her laugh and think of something, you better. You can hug her, but she may push you away if she feels insecure. There is also a great deal of understanding. Your heart will break every day for a long time, but then it becomes easier. One thing is very important and that is your tone and your actions to be completely calm and confident. Don't leave her with questions, don't leave her worried, don't leave if she is angry or hurt. It is unknown at this time what he will do after leaving the post. Reply to messages full of some of her fantasies short, clear and kind. Treat her like any other person in your life, but keep in mind that you need to be a little more careful in certain situations. I suspect she has days and days, not all are good. Her problems do not interfere with your communication, so talk to her calmly. Her problems can only affect her and your relationship if you can't accept them. Try not to force her for anything she doesn't want to do, you can only motivate her and convince her. In fact, it's not hard, in a real situation you don't even think about it, with the right approach, she will accept things the way they really are. If you feel that this relationship is burdening you, that you are becoming nervous and irritable, leave it. Being with her, but not being able to cope and tolerate her, means taking her far back in her treatment and making each other's lives bitter. Such small problems are not for everyone and you have to judge for yourself to what extent you are able to cope and show understanding. Soothe her in cases of paranoia, they will not last that long. You convince her to stop as you walk and look around - trees, clouds, sky, a stream of people moving in different directions ... then ask her what worries her, what she considers a threat. There may be an answer, so try to reassure her with good arguments. If there is no answer, he should calm down in a few minutes. Maybe sometimes she decides that someone is eavesdropping on her, that she has microphones and cameras. You ask her where she thinks they are placed and check with her to make sure it's all in her head. If you think they are hidden in something, just turn that thing upside down or put it somewhere. She doesn't need stress. These things may seem nonsense to you, but if a child is afraid of a monster under the bed, you will look with him, right? Then you will read him a story and stay until he falls asleep. It's not much different here, it requires understanding, "help" and a slight distraction from her own thoughts. Your story doesn't sound so serious to me, so her problem should be fixed almost completely. There will be some residual worries and quirks, but these are not things that will prevent her from living normally. Oh, you should also know that this process is slow.
Hi, no. se. I refrained from commenting, because according to your description we have a lot in common with your girlfriend. I hope my comment helps you. In short, I also suffer from anxiety, paranoia, fear of abandonment (which leads to a strong need for emotion, people, sex), then "overdose", I feel "locked, limited" and begins a sharp need for space (which follows and cool behavior for no apparent reason), I also often have depressive moments and for a day or two my life seems meaningless and I have no desire to communicate / do anything, but when it subsides I feel like it was not, I do not explain almost , because for me it is everyday and I am already used to and recognize the "wrong patterns of behavior and thoughts", and sometimes I am afraid to go into details and explanatory mode, because they don't take me seriously or just people are burdened / don't understand or I feel like a "weird / problematic person". I also have the problem with memory and distraction, I've been trying to control them for years, but it's very difficult, believe me. For me, everything escalates after several years of sexual, physical and mental harassment by a man I loved infinitely, really. Then I became a "mollusk", unable to do elementary things, and he abandoned me. From there, I personally have a fear of abandonment, of not being able to stand alone indoors, to run away when they show me too much tenderness, love and fear of commitment, which leads to panic in general plans, love messages like "we forever will ... "and so on. Since I was sexually trained as a robot at a young age, I had to be ready to "meet needs" around the clock, then criticized for not being enough, from there I am sexually active and keep my boyfriend happy. My biggest fear is that I may be sexually rejected or that my partner will be disappointed, which is where my fears, like your girlfriend's, come from. Other things that are inherent in me are a tendency to addictions / taking reckless risks / speaking out loud, due to the inability to control emotions, no matter how hard I try. I explained the "symptoms" and "causes", and now for "how to proceed after that", the psychologist is the best solution, congratulations to your girlfriend, I myself have made huge progress after several years of visits, awareness of the problem and work on me. To date, I think I'm doing pretty well and I feel the "oddities" myself and control them as much as I can. As for "what can you do", don't push her, sometimes let her set boundaries if she needs space, when she forgets you don't have to remind her of the problem and unless it's something important or if you have need to do it and explain without criticism, since you think she is paranoid that you are "following" her. Personally, I am aware of the problem with memory, but years ago I did not know it, maybe it still does. To add that the exclusion of "special treatment" is also a good move, as it usually offends and makes a person remember how "escaped" - from there - paranoia and more anxiety, etc. And most of all just love it . :) P.S. It is possible that the reason is not in an ex-boyfriend, but in bad family relationships / harassment by friends / classmates at an earlier age, but whatever it is, I believe they will cope together. I wish you a lot of love and happiness.
Well, it's very important to know exactly what her diagnosis is. If she has panic attacks (because she can't stand alone) it's one thing, if she has a psychiatric illness, it's another. If she's taking medication, she may not be concentrating enough on it. Paranoia is inherent in schizophrenia, but there are other symptoms. He may become paranoid because he forgets and then wonders how you know some things. I advise you, instead of inventing some former loves that have ruined her, to study her biography, what happened to her, what she is sick of.
Your friend has a health problem and I think it has nothing to do with her ex - there is no way another person can break someone's heart and psyche without his consent! Look at her family, there you will find the answer. A relationship with a sick person is stressful, as you explain, you are an optimist, but I think you have no chance for a normal and satisfying relationship with her, I'm sorry! She must feel good, have an adequate idea of herself and then enter into relationships ... Leave her, take care of yourself, this is my answer to your question.
The girl needs therapy, I don't think the problem is a love affair, but a deeper one. I was like that to some extent.
Life is too short to fix the problems of others. Sooner or later everyone realizes this, for some it is too late for others not. Life is in front of you, there are many other women. It's not worth fixing other people's buckets. Act!