You Do Not Hide Love In Yourself - It Is Everything !!!

I have been visiting this site regularly for several months, but I have never dared to write on it ... until now. I experienced 3 love disappointments ... and at one point I decided that the time had not come for a fourth one so that the next ones would not hurt me. I had built a protective shell. I was strong - I took what I wanted and left. I was always smiling, cheerful, active. In the eyes of others, I earned respect for my strength to handle everything without suffering and to achieve my goals with ease. Although a lie, my life was in order. My job was arguing, I had good financial opportunities, my friends were and always will be the people who did not betray me. But I was afraid to reveal myself completely to a man; to give him all my love ... But (as in every story there is a 'but', which spoils everything) one fine day, I met a man - a married man, still young and with a child. He was a friend of an acquaintance of mine, after a while, quite by accident, we started meeting more and more often. Apparently fate brought me another, but this time it broke me. One night, when the whole company was going out again, in the wee hours of the night he pulled my hand and we started walking. Then we had long conversations. I don't know why I did it, maybe somehow I felt that I could tell him all my sadness in my heart, that I couldn't continue to live in delusion. The strange thing was that he had known about this "mask" of mine for a long time - apparently he had felt it too. After tonight with long conversations, I was no longer the same. I began to look at everything with different eyes, including him, even though he was married. He was the man who opened my eyes again - taught me to listen to my heart, to read with my eyes, to experience my moments, not to run away from them. I learned again that love is the leading feeling in my life. I stopped hiding and pretending to be "strong" and "powerful". I knew that he had feelings for me, I read it in his eyes ... One night we started our conversations again. Ah, these long conversations that liberate you, calm you down, you understand that there are still people who believe in the little things. Then, somehow, our feelings came into question. It all started on its own - none of us started with the explanations first. We just knew it was so ... we knew it from our eyes! With pain in my heart I told him that I could not be with him - because he has a wife and children! That was the only thing stopping me. Although he explained to me, that he is always looking for happiness, that every moment must be fully experienced, because you do not know what can happen in the next moment, I again decided to ignore myself and my feelings. I didn't last long. The next day we kissed as passionately as I hadn't kissed in years. We hugged all the time, I wouldn't trade those hugs for anything in the world. As I would not replace to look him in the eye - we may not say anything, that's enough for me. These olive green eyes, deep, soothing, in which I see the whole world. But not this world of falsehood, murder and sorrow, but a world full of love and joy. For 2 months I have been experiencing every moment with him fully. Perhaps the strangest thing is that we haven't had sex yet. Just his hug, his kiss are much more important to me, maybe to him. I know that this relationship has no future. I would never let his children suffer for me, nor would his wife. But I go crazy when he's not by my side, when he doesn't talk to me about the stars, about life, about happiness, about love. On the one hand, it is old-fashioned - such romantics are rare, perhaps precisely because of our fear of love. I know that I will suffer (after all, one day all this will end), but I do not want to think about the end ... I will experience these good moments, I will enjoy every moment, every touch, every look. .and after a while, when maybe I will be "strong" again, "powerful" with a "cold heart" I will remember with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, about this amazing feeling I feel now, called love! for happiness, for love. On the one hand, it is old-fashioned - such romantics are rare, perhaps precisely because of our fear of love. I know that I will suffer (after all, one day all this will end), but I do not want to think about the end ... I will experience these good moments, I will enjoy every moment, every touch, every look. .and after a while, when maybe I will be "strong" again, "powerful" with a "cold heart" I will remember with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, about this amazing feeling I feel now, called love! for happiness, for love. On the one hand, it is old-fashioned - such romantics are rare, perhaps precisely because of our fear of love. I know that I will suffer (after all, one day all this will end), but I do not want to think about the end ... I will experience these good moments, I will enjoy every moment, every touch, every look. .and after a while, when maybe I will be "strong" again, "powerful" with a "cold heart" I will remember with tears in my eyes and a smile on my face, about this amazing feeling I feel now, called love!