I have a friend for almost 3 years, but lately I feel a problem - his attitude is one we have been married for 20 years. There are no spontaneous gestures and kisses, no surprises, maybe not so much passion (on his part). He is generally more introverted, but if someone is a thrill, you will always find a way to show it to him. And I'm an emotional person, I need to keep the passion and charm in a relationship, even if it's long. Sex is ok, but kisses and hugs before and after are rare. I hint to him many times, but things do not change and I am moving further and further away from him in this regard. It was at the beginning of this problem, when I was suffering a lot and wondering how to solve the problem, that another person appeared. We met at a bar, had a few drinks and then ended up in them and had great sex.
The feeling that you are wanted, showered with kisses and passion, even if only for one night, made me happy. I knew it was infidelity, and I had only one wonderful evening left, but NO. We started writing to each other - but mostly super cool musical greetings, naughty pictures, that's all things that can't leave you indifferent. This happened 6 months ago. We met 5 more times in them and several times in restaurants. And sex really worked great, as did everything else. He is very sociable and funny, he is a little bigger, and at times he is the complete opposite of my friend. It fills me with positive energy and a new, sweet emotion, which, as I said, is increasingly missing from my friend. As I mentioned - we rarely see each other, but when we see each other it's great. There have also been cases where we have met by chance. In the last such case - about a month and a half break, he (maybe because he was treated or something), first behaved very nicely, and then allegedly accidentally asked me if I slept with another until we saw each other (does not know about the friend mi), and even without waiting for an answer he told me that he had slept with another once, which meant nothing to him and was different with me. I was terribly surprised by what these confessions are due to, because if someone is only for you for sex, you do not explain to him what you do with others. We have said to each other several times that we both do not want a more serious relationship with the other.
But I feel like I've sunk in - it's just not just about sex for me, but I see that he doesn't want anything else (or he's just not aware of himself). Nevertheless, we hear each other for no reason, we write to each other for no reason, and we became closer. That's why I invited him into us when he was free, which is rare. We hadn't slept together in 4 months. But before the real part - there was dinner, movies, some drinking and he stayed to sleep in us. Of course, the sex went very well now, but there was something else for me - I felt it in the very way it touched me and spoke to me. I felt it and then in the text messages or songs he sent me. But now it was the turn of the void again. We both can't have a more serious relationship at the moment, at least I can't imagine it, even though I dream about it. BUT I'm not indifferent to him, maybe I'm in love. What it gives me as a feeling (not just physical) is great, but I know that if I spur things on, it will recede because it has already happened. Maybe we should become friends to see him more often or? For these 6 months, the thrill can't go away, although we don't see it often (maybe because of that). There is hardly a day that I don't think about it and don't remember every detail. I want it, but I don't know how to have it for longer, and at the same time, I have to go to bed with my friend and at times imagine that the other is next to me. I don't have the strength to tell either of them the truth. What would you do?
Answers 15
I, leaving intimacy with another, would leave my friend. You'll ask why ... Well, darling, it's simple - it won't make sense anymore. Once you have found a thrill, and maybe a love for another, and then, even if you don't stay with the other, you will always be looking for something outside of your relationship. And imagine the relationship deepened? Do you have a child? Then what are you going to do? In fact, I understand you very well. I have been in a relationship for almost 8 years and I was in a similar situation once. I have feelings for the other since we've known each other for 4 years, but we haven't been intimate. I just ordered the priorities. I advise you to do this too ... Good luck and remember that youth is short and life is a moment;)
Some people do not understand the difference between falling in love and love. That's why they change partners all their lives. Falling in love is very stormy, passionate, emotional, but momentary and illusory. Love is lasting and true, but in order for it to be truly so, care (of both), understanding, reciprocity, etc. are required. and generally not easy to maintain. But if it is maintained, it is a great thing. If it is not supported, it becomes "as if we have been married for 20 years" (and by the way, there are married people for 20 years who are like high school boyfriends). It becomes boring, engaging, exhausting, something not worth it. It is no longer love, but people think it is love, making the wrong conclusion that love does not last long or that there is no love at all, or that it runs out at some point and therefore a new love must be sought. And here comes the new love, which is again accused of love and thus an eternal vicious circle. I will not give you advice on what to do, but only to make a difference. Now, who exactly is (will be) in love with, you need to know best, because love is not written rules, it is felt, and people cannot feel your love.
I condemn your action, if there is no chemistry between you and your friend, you better separate and then start a new relationship with this person, do not lie to your friend anymore, you deceive yourself, sooner or later he will understand, not that men are behind and they would not do so.
You are a naughty girl:) ... I tell you from experience that in the end you will suffer the most ... Go ahead of the events and make a decision, if you don't do something now you will suffer a lot. I don't want to scare you, but something will always be understood, there is almost never an unsolved secret ... Good luck! PP Confessed sin, half sin, tell at least one truth or at least part of it ...
I'm a girl too, I'm young and I can judge from your way of expression that we are probably about the same age, but honestly I don't understand you at all. First of all, I would tell you that, at least in my opinion, you don't deserve either of you if you do that. I don't know how you can expect your friend to make nice gestures to you and keep the "passion and charm" in your relationship, given that you obviously get them elsewhere on a regular basis ... it's hypocritically simple. But still, it's your job. Maybe it's better to break up with him for a while and stay alone to think things over. Otherwise, I think the fairest thing you can do is admit it, but you'll probably lose them both.
Oh, one wonders where to start. You messed things up. I don't want to be a judge or anything like that, but I don't do that. If you want people to be honest with you, you have to be honest with them. One day you may be in your friend's situation, wouldn't you at least want to be aware? Be honest with him, tell him the truth! Or do you keep it in case you mess with the other? It's ugly and it's not fair. It's just not. As for the other ... You still have a thrill because something is forbidden, and when you add that you rarely see each other - the work is clear. If you had a serious relationship, you would already be in the routine so familiar to all of us and ... it would not be much different from your current relationship. Trust me! These passions that last for years and similar excitements are only found in movies. :-) So, get down on the ground. I know that you are in love and that you need something new, but at least the old relationship is over. Start fresh. No one deserves to be lied to.
If your relationship isn't very good, why are you still with him? Why not sit down and talk openly about your problem? If you're not happy with him, just break up, do you need to cheat on him? This is the lowest thing you can do to your partner (personal opinion). It is better to end your relationship and let everyone take their own path than to hurt them in this way (unless he is cheating on you, then you are even). This is a big mistake - you are not married, you better leave him if you will continue to see the other.
From the author: First - thanks for the advice, it's nice to hear a neutral opinion. Otherwise to comment # 2: I realize the difference between falling in love and love. I had another long relationship. I realize that not everything can always be super exciting and passionate, but there are other things. As for my friend - there have been periods of months in which we have not seen each other and I have not thought of cheating. But as I noted - it is difficult to express his feelings (in 3 years I have heard only once "I love you". I know that this is an expression that is not used for good and bad, but still ... imagine you have it heard only once ....). The problem is that it is becoming increasingly difficult to diversify the relationship (I make suggestions on a daily basis that are rejected), conversations become monotonous, and so does spending time. Besides, he is a bit of a depressant type - I listen to stressful things of all kinds for hours ... I am always there to help him, but if it happens often - a person is mentally stressed! On the other hand - we went through a lot of difficulties (travel, absences) and we built something that is a pity to be destroyed .... And for the other - it is just an escape from all this. The most recent example - when I invited him to us. Everything was infinitely romantic, even if no effect was sought. You just feel wanted. I know it's a little dull in detail - but during sex - at the most tumultuous moment, he told me "I love you." It was super surprising, I didn't answer accordingly. The hardest thing for me is that I don't know what he feels for me - is it just sexual attraction or is there something else ... I don't want to, and I don't know how to raise the topic, because it will break the magic. For my friend - he better never understand, because it will hurt him endlessly. Eventually time will tell.
The author is purely selfish / at least from my point of view /, she came here to ease her conscience. Author, if you read a little about the topics of various boys / men who had such a woman / in the original text - such a kid / like you as a friend, you will understand what you are really doing. Either be honest with the person next to you / for which it is too late / or separate. There is no point in your man wearing his horns. Don't tarnish his name anymore, release him from your presence, if you please. And don't explain to me how you're used to it and you can't just leave it. XII
Um, I don't think the moderators are doing the author a favor by covering up people's sincere negative reactions to her behavior, nor are they honoring her reputation - they have long been damaged ... She herself knows what it is, but the search for indulgence is not here. possible, nor is it right, only the two men she put in this absurd situation can give her one ... I personally would not forgive her if I were in their place, despite the appearances in post 20 and I am willing to fully support 21. M, 36
Здравей Авторке, не те осъждам, дори напълно разбирам какво чувстваш. Минала съм през това, частта с другия мъж при мен беше в голяма степен въображаема, но достатъчно реалистична, че да ме разклати емоционално. Сега обаче отново се радвам на пълноценна връзка. Ситуацията не е чак толкова оплетена. Ето и моя съвет: преди всичко говори с приятеля си, но не му признавай нищо. Обясни му какво според теб не е наред във връзката ви, какви са чувствата ти, какво ти липсва (дори и в секса) и чакай ответна реакция. Много е възможно и той да се чувства по същия начин и да не може обаче да осъзнае какво точно не е наред, както и какво да предприеме. Оттам и тази постоянна меланхолия. Не пропускай да му кажеш, че в дадената ситуация се чувстваш отдалечена от него, но нека не прозвучи като обвинение! Междувременно прекрати контактите с другия мъж. Дай шанс на връзката си. Ако приятелят ти вземе на сериозно казаното от теб, пука му и т. н. ще се активира и ще можете заедно да поправите разрушеното. Сложете си дори правила в общуването за известен период от време - никакви негативи, никакви банални случки от работата и т. н. Припомнете си как са протичали срещите и дните ви в началото на връзката и ще разберете какво липсва сега. Е, ти знаеш, но го подтикни той да си ги припомни. Не му ги изреждай, нека сам премисли! Ако желание има, разликата ще започне да се усеща веднага! Колкото до другия мъж - не мисля, че си влюбена в него! Ако беше, то нямаше да ти пука какво си градила с приятеля си. Смятам, че върху другия ти просто проектираш стария образ на приятелят ти. Надграждаш това, което познаваш от другия с въображаеми качества и... летиш! Казал ти, че те обича... ако беше така, щеше да те търси непрекъснато и да държи да имате сериозна връзка. Любовта не е майтап, не е и приказки! Затова и не е важно, че приятелят ти ти го е казал само веднъж. Баща ми, например, никога не е казал на майка ми, че я обича, но всички виждат, че просто я обожава. Изразяването на чувствата в голяма степен зависи от възпитанието, от детството. За някои хора е просто ужасно трудно да говорят за чувства. Други смятат, че говоренето е с цел да се баламоса другия. Хора всякакви! На думи не се връзвай. Щом си от 3 години с приятеля ти, то със сигурност усещаш обича ли те или не. И на последно място "отношението му е едно сме женени от 20 години" - разклати идеята му за стабилност и рутина! Като с това нямам предвид да го караш да ревнува! Покажи му просто едно друго аз. Бъди самостоятелна, отдай се на хобита, които те правят щастлива. А като започне пак с негативизмите, усмихни се и смени темата. Разсей го. Той затова ти споделя, защото се надява, че ще му олекне. Момчето явно е в някаква емоционална дупка и ако го накараш да се концентрира върху поправяне на връзката ви, ще живне! Подтикни го да се среща с приятели. Да спортува! Ако се е изолирал, просто няма как да е щастлив, няма какво да ти даде! Това е от мен. Опитай! Минах по този път и наистина не беше чак толкова трудно. Моят, в случая съпруг, беше в дълбока депресия. Сега си има хобита, щастлив е и прави и мен щастлива. Ж28
I was in the position of the "other". In the beginning it was just sex, but I fell in love with her. It went on for almost two years at high tide and I know, I'm bald, but I loved her very much, and she said the same thing. In the end, he broke up with his friend, and he just ignored me and left me as a used item and ruined me. I will never make such a mistake again. M25
To # 24: Thanks for the support, it really helped me. Otherwise, there is another small detail that burdens me and as funny as it sounds - this is the fear of the other not seeing me with my friend. I know it's stupid, but ... even though I'm from Sf, the chances of meeting someone you know by chance are high. I have a feeling that if I hold hands with my boyfriend, for example, and see the other boy, it will be awful. I'm just going to be terribly ashamed of my lie. Sometimes I wonder if I should confess to him as my friend. He admitted to me (unnecessarily) just for some dumb .... He admitted to me, even at the risk of not taking it well. And I hide my relationship with the other all the time. Leaving aside the thrill that may disappear at some point, I want to maintain my relationship with him - that is, to be acquaintances, friends, to be able to hear each other normally on the phone, and so on. and not to fall into his eyes. I know it took a very long time and maybe it's not very clear ... I really still have feelings for my friend. We are quite different characters, but in the beginning passion and falling in love overshadowed the differences ... But really maybe it's just a bad period that will get better with time. Thank you again!
To # 25: I want to ask you from a boy's point of view, is it hard for a girl to be just for sex? I know it may sound naive, but ... It has never occurred to me to have another relationship "just for sex." I have had cases once with someone and then no other relationship is maintained. However, when after a few visions the urge is satisfied, there should be other things left that will pull you towards this person and you should accept it only as a piece of meat ... For the person in question - after the first night together he said that this a good memory would remain ... he delicately told me that he was not looking for anything more, but we still knew each other for a day. One time, when I was quite angry, I wrote him that if it was only for sex - to tell himself, it would not be a drama, just to be clear. He said he didn't (he might be lying, I don't know). But the strange thing is, that when we talk we feel a strange closeness - as if we have known each other for years, as if we can trust each other, he even shares personal things with me - about family, friends, etc. I just want to know exactly what I am for him. If you can tell me from a boy's point of view. It's a little weird for me that you can give yourself completely to someone and then say "just sex." Personally, I can't even hug someone without tension if I don't sympathize with them. That's why I'm confused - he gives me strange signals. The strangest thing is that he admitted to me about the other girl, if you can tell me from the position of the "other" would he do so? Would you tell your girl if you had an affair with someone else (and she doesn't even ask you). Maybe we should talk, even though he's not one of those men who likes to talk about things like that. He once told me that he did not have a serious relationship (that is, more than a few months), but he is 30. This puzzled me a lot - he is not antisocial, ugly or congested, on the contrary - there are no problems with communication. As far as I understand, the reason is that he wants to live his life, he has not reached the stage with a wife, children, home, etc. But how do I know what I really am for him? As much as I don't want to admit it - I'm very jealous of all this uncertainty, of any other women in his life. If I provoke at least a little jealousy in him, could I understand? Wasn't it hard for you to know that yours has a boyfriend? I couldn't stand it As far as I understand, the reason is that he wants to live his life, he has not reached the stage with a wife, children, home, etc. But how do I know what I really am for him? As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm very jealous of all this uncertainty, of any other women in his life. If I provoke at least a little jealousy in him, could I understand? Wasn't it hard for you to know that yours has a boyfriend? I couldn't stand it As far as I understand, the reason is that he wants to live his life, he has not reached the stage with a wife, children, home, etc. But how do I know what I really am for him? As much as I don't want to admit it, I'm very jealous of all this uncertainty, of any other women in his life. If I provoke at least a little jealousy in him, could I understand? Wasn't it hard for you to know that yours has a boyfriend? I couldn't stand it that yours has a boyfriend? I couldn't stand it that yours has a boyfriend? I couldn't stand it
I was in the same situation with one difference that the other knew about my friend. My boyfriend and I didn't have sex often. he even retaliated, but he loved me very much and gave everything for me. I decided to listen to my heart and we broke up with my friend. It was very hard. I stayed with the other. In the beginning everything was very good, but over time I began to regret it. He almost never lets me go out with girlfriends, let alone a nonsense disco. We fought a hell of a lot ... He hit me twice, killed me constantly, threatened me that if one day he found out that I was lying to him about something, he would beat me. I don't know why, but he also loves me and there are really moments when he makes me happiest. At times I wonder why I love him. One day we broke up for 2 weeks and we both felt sick. We decided to see each other, discussed everything and got together. He promised not to hit me unless I lied to him .. Every miracle for 3 days .. He started killing me again and getting annoyed, but at least he didn't hit me…. Not that it's a relief. I very much hope that you do the right thing and do not regret your decision.